"the harder you work to attain something the more you change."
quoth me.
"Rebellion is modern heroism"
quoth my favorite teacher, Pendleton, on the topic of the Beat generation.
I love finding old paper scraps. :)
More:
I found somebody's cellphone in the parking lot the other day. Not thegym parking lot, because I never go to the gym. Which is probably why... nevermind. My mother has more muscle definition than I do, mostly from hefting my sister, a retard who can't really mobilize herself without some assistance (or wipe her own ass).
...The science building parking lot. I was only only in that parking lot because my history class is hled in the science building- though I am taking biology, thre. And failing. But that's mainly because I never go, which is why I was in the sicence parking lot after history class and not biology, which would make more sense bu I feel the need to set you straight, you see. It was blue (the cellphone) and one of those that feel like a brick and take up very nearly your whole hand.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Thursday, April 30, 2009
you're a cow- give me some milk or else go home!
There's always something so thrilling about class registration (especially when it goes well...)
So far I'm registered for:
1 Screenwriting-- Directing for Screenwriters (which means I can keep my toes in production, yaaaaaay)
2 Screenwriting-- Writing the Sitcom. I had to take one TV class. Eh.
3 Philosophy and the Arts-- Core. Had to take philosophy. Scared.
4 Film-- Women in Film
5 English (elective)-- Chaucer (!!!! an entire class on Chaucer!!!! HURRAH!)
The theology offerings were weak this next semester. Hopefully they will offer that Dante class next Spring. Anyway, I still need to add 2 classes... Irish Cinema and something else, depending on what's available. Sigh.
These past couple of days have seen a strange rise in productivity for me. Sure, there's alot of procrastination going on, but it's the kind of strangely productive procrastination- where you end up doing things you actually needed to do just so you can avoid the one thing you really REALLY should do, but at least something's getting done. I stayed up two nights in a row.... very interesting results. Sure, I was dragging today but I wasn't actively "tired"... and I was pumped.
Good things happened today... films were edited. Finanacial things were straightened out. My check finally came a few days ago! So that was a lovely load off. I got word about places to stay in Ventura...
In order to function in the summer, I still must: get in job app + call CISS, call back ladies about houses, find an internship, register at VC, call the storage people and get my stuff packed and outta here. I was also thinking of applying to work at Firefly again...
summer goals.
work. alot. at ciss, at firefly, where-ever.
make Rhymes With Orange, finally, once and for all.
lose. weight. go running in the morning. do not look at scale until august. hurrahhh.
paint.
work on screenplays... clara bow, or ophelia, or wilson....
work on short films by swiping dillon's cam.
read alot.
guitar.
paint.
juggle.
... yes well.
So far I'm registered for:
1 Screenwriting-- Directing for Screenwriters (which means I can keep my toes in production, yaaaaaay)
2 Screenwriting-- Writing the Sitcom. I had to take one TV class. Eh.
3 Philosophy and the Arts-- Core. Had to take philosophy. Scared.
4 Film-- Women in Film
5 English (elective)-- Chaucer (!!!! an entire class on Chaucer!!!! HURRAH!)
The theology offerings were weak this next semester. Hopefully they will offer that Dante class next Spring. Anyway, I still need to add 2 classes... Irish Cinema and something else, depending on what's available. Sigh.
These past couple of days have seen a strange rise in productivity for me. Sure, there's alot of procrastination going on, but it's the kind of strangely productive procrastination- where you end up doing things you actually needed to do just so you can avoid the one thing you really REALLY should do, but at least something's getting done. I stayed up two nights in a row.... very interesting results. Sure, I was dragging today but I wasn't actively "tired"... and I was pumped.
Good things happened today... films were edited. Finanacial things were straightened out. My check finally came a few days ago! So that was a lovely load off. I got word about places to stay in Ventura...
In order to function in the summer, I still must: get in job app + call CISS, call back ladies about houses, find an internship, register at VC, call the storage people and get my stuff packed and outta here. I was also thinking of applying to work at Firefly again...
summer goals.
work. alot. at ciss, at firefly, where-ever.
make Rhymes With Orange, finally, once and for all.
lose. weight. go running in the morning. do not look at scale until august. hurrahhh.
paint.
work on screenplays... clara bow, or ophelia, or wilson....
work on short films by swiping dillon's cam.
read alot.
guitar.
paint.
juggle.
... yes well.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
So none of the performances after opening night held a candle to that glorious Wednesday. It was a night of comraderie. We loved everybody and we smoked cigars together and strange embraces were exchanged. Suddenly, it was OK to hug Jesus, Judas was less stand-offish (haha.. funny but true), I could compliment my fellow performers without feeling obligated. I doubt my enthusiasm for their talent was grasped, but I shall now put it into print that must last here and forevermore- i was and will remain touched and incredibly impressed by the talent of these LMU theatre weirdos. They are amazing. I am sorry I am not one of them; I would be very enamored with myself indeed.
I'd like to give a description of the play here for posterity, but I haven't the energy, and I have so much else I must concentrate on. I have some things I wish to cry about right now. But I will only say one thing, and then onto my planned exercize.
one thing: no one came. well, that's not true. Marlena and Lauren attended, and it did my little heart good to see them, peering over Jesus's shoulder at the last supper and beaming with pride. Sadly, they vanished after my main scene. I am glad they saw it. But alas, when I later searched the sea of our audience a friendly face could not be found. I left the crowd quickly and began to clean up. This was to be my fate all 5 nights.
No one came.
There were reasons. For the most part, I understand. But there is still a nagging pitiful bummed-out little whiner in my head who pops up every now and again when I think of it, and she says something along the lines of "if someone wanted to be there, they'd find a way". In certain cases, there was no way. In others... Well. I am sounding petty. I think I am just angry that I ended up feeling "alone again, naturally" even after making a somewhat significant accomplishment for me. I was in a play. A Big Play with Strange Olde Language. I rehearsed every night and weekend since February. Hours. I helped put it together. I poured myself into it, just like everyone else involved. And now it's over and no one came to say, hey, you appear to have survived. I don't need good job. I don't need that. I WANT MY WORK TO BE WITNESSED. This is true of all that I do! This is why I would do anything (walk five hundred miles...) to support anyone I truly care about. If it is not, then what is the point? My effort is who I am. Ah. Life crisis. I am thinking too much about this. One must move on, and I have decided to try not to care about it. I am self-sufficient, I always have been.
Indeed. Perhaps it was technically wrong to wish it in the first place.
which brings us to.
EXERCIZE.
5 wonderful things. go.
1) The sunset here is amazing. I cannot believe that the entire student body does not rush to the bluff every evening to watch the tails of the day vanish into the purple dark, especially when the air is clear. You really can see forever- LA, the glint of building-tops, the winding roads, the hills in the distance, Hollywood in all of its teasing promise, and that beautiful, glorious sea that God has somehow seen fit to place so close to me. Why do I not go to it more often? It calls me daily but I ignore it.
Why is that?
2) 500 Miles by The Proclaimers
This is the most get-get-giddyup song in the world, and the best part is it's totally COOL and quirky. Yes, you can sing and skip along and feel not guilty but quirk-a-licious. You can also synchronize with your equally quirked friends by singing various parts together- DADADAHDAH! (dahdahDAHDAH) dumdiddlyum diddlyumdahdahdah! In fact my love for it has been reignited lately since during preparing for... well, I suppose it was opening night... a few of the theater people put it over the speakers and began to dance around wildly to it and sing. In Biblical garb. Okay. We actually all sang, even me. It could not be resisted.
3) My platform shoes.
These are crazy shoes. They are dying. They boost my height by two inches or so, and make my calves look nice. They are beaded. They are clonkers, but I can somehow walk in them gracefully as they have formed to my foot and are of a very specific shape that is rather unusual for your typical platform shoe. They make me feel vaguely attractive. I will miss them- I think come July they may have to retire. Oh, beloved shoes.
4)
This scene. This movie, actually, I found incredibly striking. Some scenes and characters far more than others, but I have to say I really felt like I understood it and it spoke to me very specifically. It's about, for lack of eloquence- getting over things. Trauma, hurt, pain, misunderstanding, life, death. And forgiveness, and moving on. This scene is so quiet and strange, but it brings me to tears and I can't say why.
I want to write/make a movie like this someday. I am afraid that I can't.
5) My best friend sending me a text message that reads: dearest friend. i just wanted to say how much i love you, and send you hugs and hopes that things will be better :) <3 you've always been just like a snorkel to me.
there is joy in struggle. the Lord is proved perfect in imperfection. human beings are so amazingly versatile. creativity is unstoppable. the thrist for knowledge can never be quenched.
dramatic? perhaps, but i know that even my loneliness can be my friend. and then we might be two on this road. once i figure that out, maybe we can walk side by side.
i hope so.
I'd like to give a description of the play here for posterity, but I haven't the energy, and I have so much else I must concentrate on. I have some things I wish to cry about right now. But I will only say one thing, and then onto my planned exercize.
one thing: no one came. well, that's not true. Marlena and Lauren attended, and it did my little heart good to see them, peering over Jesus's shoulder at the last supper and beaming with pride. Sadly, they vanished after my main scene. I am glad they saw it. But alas, when I later searched the sea of our audience a friendly face could not be found. I left the crowd quickly and began to clean up. This was to be my fate all 5 nights.
No one came.
There were reasons. For the most part, I understand. But there is still a nagging pitiful bummed-out little whiner in my head who pops up every now and again when I think of it, and she says something along the lines of "if someone wanted to be there, they'd find a way". In certain cases, there was no way. In others... Well. I am sounding petty. I think I am just angry that I ended up feeling "alone again, naturally" even after making a somewhat significant accomplishment for me. I was in a play. A Big Play with Strange Olde Language. I rehearsed every night and weekend since February. Hours. I helped put it together. I poured myself into it, just like everyone else involved. And now it's over and no one came to say, hey, you appear to have survived. I don't need good job. I don't need that. I WANT MY WORK TO BE WITNESSED. This is true of all that I do! This is why I would do anything (walk five hundred miles...) to support anyone I truly care about. If it is not, then what is the point? My effort is who I am. Ah. Life crisis. I am thinking too much about this. One must move on, and I have decided to try not to care about it. I am self-sufficient, I always have been.
Indeed. Perhaps it was technically wrong to wish it in the first place.
which brings us to.
EXERCIZE.
5 wonderful things. go.
1) The sunset here is amazing. I cannot believe that the entire student body does not rush to the bluff every evening to watch the tails of the day vanish into the purple dark, especially when the air is clear. You really can see forever- LA, the glint of building-tops, the winding roads, the hills in the distance, Hollywood in all of its teasing promise, and that beautiful, glorious sea that God has somehow seen fit to place so close to me. Why do I not go to it more often? It calls me daily but I ignore it.
Why is that?
2) 500 Miles by The Proclaimers
This is the most get-get-giddyup song in the world, and the best part is it's totally COOL and quirky. Yes, you can sing and skip along and feel not guilty but quirk-a-licious. You can also synchronize with your equally quirked friends by singing various parts together- DADADAHDAH! (dahdahDAHDAH) dumdiddlyum diddlyumdahdahdah! In fact my love for it has been reignited lately since during preparing for... well, I suppose it was opening night... a few of the theater people put it over the speakers and began to dance around wildly to it and sing. In Biblical garb. Okay. We actually all sang, even me. It could not be resisted.
3) My platform shoes.
These are crazy shoes. They are dying. They boost my height by two inches or so, and make my calves look nice. They are beaded. They are clonkers, but I can somehow walk in them gracefully as they have formed to my foot and are of a very specific shape that is rather unusual for your typical platform shoe. They make me feel vaguely attractive. I will miss them- I think come July they may have to retire. Oh, beloved shoes.
4)
This scene. This movie, actually, I found incredibly striking. Some scenes and characters far more than others, but I have to say I really felt like I understood it and it spoke to me very specifically. It's about, for lack of eloquence- getting over things. Trauma, hurt, pain, misunderstanding, life, death. And forgiveness, and moving on. This scene is so quiet and strange, but it brings me to tears and I can't say why.
I want to write/make a movie like this someday. I am afraid that I can't.
5) My best friend sending me a text message that reads: dearest friend. i just wanted to say how much i love you, and send you hugs and hopes that things will be better :) <3 you've always been just like a snorkel to me.
there is joy in struggle. the Lord is proved perfect in imperfection. human beings are so amazingly versatile. creativity is unstoppable. the thrist for knowledge can never be quenched.
dramatic? perhaps, but i know that even my loneliness can be my friend. and then we might be two on this road. once i figure that out, maybe we can walk side by side.
i hope so.
Friday, April 17, 2009
off to see the world
i almost forgot what i wanted to write here about in the first place: a moment almost lost.
i was driving to lmu from ventura (after driving the 1 a bazillion times in one day), late at night, alone with my needy thoughts. exhausted. right before easter, which, even though invites were made, i decided would be best spent alone with a Bible, hw, surfthechannel.com and some marshmellow peeps (yellow). i was sad about this, sad about the last conversation i had, sad that i never know what's going to happen to me. it's like we're all jumping from some great height, but i see hands waiting to catch everyone else. i don't see hands for me.
anyway. another stupid tirade that leads no where and complains about life. moving on...
i was making one of those drives. now, the 1 is a coastal drive, winding, winding, at times level with the ocean, at times far far above it. At night this drive can be very trecherous because it has many turns, looms over the sea, and is NOT very well lit. AT ALL. There is a good stretch where there are no streetlights what so ever. I was going through this stretch, in fact, when I had another of those swing-on-the-dark paul-mccartney moments. I began to pass a point where the moon- gorgeous and full- spread over the sea, perfectly, creating the most amazing light over the water that looked like glass. The road was lit by two moons. Just as I was marveling at it, I realized I was listening to "Moon River", the Audrey Hepburn version [and yes, i know, i wasn't by a river but a SEA, but let that not be distracting]. It was so beautiful that I had to pull over to take it in. I cried, no surprise. I think it was a reminder that I wasn't alone.
I think the part of Moon River that always gets me is when she sings "there's such alot of world to see".
i was driving to lmu from ventura (after driving the 1 a bazillion times in one day), late at night, alone with my needy thoughts. exhausted. right before easter, which, even though invites were made, i decided would be best spent alone with a Bible, hw, surfthechannel.com and some marshmellow peeps (yellow). i was sad about this, sad about the last conversation i had, sad that i never know what's going to happen to me. it's like we're all jumping from some great height, but i see hands waiting to catch everyone else. i don't see hands for me.
anyway. another stupid tirade that leads no where and complains about life. moving on...
i was making one of those drives. now, the 1 is a coastal drive, winding, winding, at times level with the ocean, at times far far above it. At night this drive can be very trecherous because it has many turns, looms over the sea, and is NOT very well lit. AT ALL. There is a good stretch where there are no streetlights what so ever. I was going through this stretch, in fact, when I had another of those swing-on-the-dark paul-mccartney moments. I began to pass a point where the moon- gorgeous and full- spread over the sea, perfectly, creating the most amazing light over the water that looked like glass. The road was lit by two moons. Just as I was marveling at it, I realized I was listening to "Moon River", the Audrey Hepburn version [and yes, i know, i wasn't by a river but a SEA, but let that not be distracting]. It was so beautiful that I had to pull over to take it in. I cried, no surprise. I think it was a reminder that I wasn't alone.
I think the part of Moon River that always gets me is when she sings "there's such alot of world to see".
I have spent alot of this week in bed. I have woes. Money Woes- of the purse and of the penny. I have been literally counting my pennies- i realized today that i have not had spending money since late january and i am sick of it. i hate mooching, i hate borrowing, i hate not having even though i work and don't spend, for the most part. i have partaken in no crazy spending all year, i haven't even seen a movie in the theatre since the fucking Reader. I have to keep borrowing and saying no to cups of coffee even when i really want one. i have to beat around the bush about not contributing to things not because i don't want to but because i-- literally-- cannot. i don't know what to do. i don't know what to do about next year, i don't know what to do about living. i don't know what to do about what i owe.
this also encourages dependency, of which i will have none.
i suppose it's not a revelation, but it did dawn on me tonight that i flee people in order to protect my independence and my pride. fear of rejection runs so deep. i'd rather be detached and odd than be somewhat known and misunderstood or sneered at or disrespected.
i've been very good this semester about being on my own. of course i don't always do well, but fear and incapability have turned themselves inward rather than outward, which sounds unhealthy but actually seems to cause more introspection and less desperation, less need. Yes, I've spent alot of days in bed, covers over head, slipping in and out of conciousness, but at least I have not spent alot of time calling people late at night, writing letters, fretting, begging friends for their companionship. Not that I ever did that specifically, but one gets that feeling at times. Anyway, I haven't done that, though occasionally i do feel the sadness and the want to have someone familiar hug me, the desire to treat a family's home as my own even though the home does not belong to me; the family does not belong to me. I don't regard those feelings as weaknesses, but in context I see them as problematic- they must go away. i want to be very good at being alone.
seems i always write about these things, and rarely come to a conclusion.
opening night for the play was wednesday. tonight was round 2.
[introspective-ness [iamthedecIder] continues to strike as i consider the effects all of this has on me.]
it has been a rewarding experience. i want to do drama next year also, but not one with this schedule. this is madness.
i think i made someone cry in the audience today.
i'm not sure if i want friends to come see it. i think i just want them to want to come.
does everyone second guess their own motives like me?
or are there really just three types in the world? (those who are blind to their own motives, those who have motives and are fully aware and plodding every moment, and those whose intentions are usually plain and pure]
or is it that i care what people think?
sleep. next time hopefully i will speak happy words on a happy topic, and may that topic be a simple one.
this also encourages dependency, of which i will have none.
i suppose it's not a revelation, but it did dawn on me tonight that i flee people in order to protect my independence and my pride. fear of rejection runs so deep. i'd rather be detached and odd than be somewhat known and misunderstood or sneered at or disrespected.
i've been very good this semester about being on my own. of course i don't always do well, but fear and incapability have turned themselves inward rather than outward, which sounds unhealthy but actually seems to cause more introspection and less desperation, less need. Yes, I've spent alot of days in bed, covers over head, slipping in and out of conciousness, but at least I have not spent alot of time calling people late at night, writing letters, fretting, begging friends for their companionship. Not that I ever did that specifically, but one gets that feeling at times. Anyway, I haven't done that, though occasionally i do feel the sadness and the want to have someone familiar hug me, the desire to treat a family's home as my own even though the home does not belong to me; the family does not belong to me. I don't regard those feelings as weaknesses, but in context I see them as problematic- they must go away. i want to be very good at being alone.
seems i always write about these things, and rarely come to a conclusion.
opening night for the play was wednesday. tonight was round 2.
[introspective-ness [iamthedecIder] continues to strike as i consider the effects all of this has on me.]
it has been a rewarding experience. i want to do drama next year also, but not one with this schedule. this is madness.
i think i made someone cry in the audience today.
i'm not sure if i want friends to come see it. i think i just want them to want to come.
does everyone second guess their own motives like me?
or are there really just three types in the world? (those who are blind to their own motives, those who have motives and are fully aware and plodding every moment, and those whose intentions are usually plain and pure]
or is it that i care what people think?
sleep. next time hopefully i will speak happy words on a happy topic, and may that topic be a simple one.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
someday we'll be drinking with the seldom-seen kid...
So my room-mate is moving out this week. We haven't had problems or anything- she's friends with a girl down the hall who just had HER room-mate move out on her, and since my roomie and her friend are going to live together NEXT semester off-campus they thought it'd be a good way to prepare. Moving in together, that is.
So what does this mean? This means I get 226 to myself, baby.
The other night at rehearsal I practiced my "big scene" for the first time outside with the other actors, completely off-book and I sucked. Unless I was better than I thought I was. But I thought I was damn awful. It's so hilarious how one can build up an image of themselves in their own minds and once they begin the process of actualizing it-- well, it doesn't always work out. In my defense.... I was going on 2 hours of sleep (strange thing-- I went to bed at 5 and woke up at 7 feeling as if I just couldn't sleep any longer, so I just got up... whereas most times it's me going to bed at 1 and feeling like I can't get up until almost 11, wtf), not very much food, I hadn't been to Fr. Grant's rehearsals since we had moved outside, and I had no freaking idea how the staging was going to work (we weren't even rehearsing where we were going to perform... confusing). Still. I really thought I had my lines down and that I could pull it off, but as I started to speak I realized I sounded TERRIBLE. Placeless. I had no clue who the eff this guy is- strong, emotional, crafty- or just sad?- my voice sounded incredibly flat (though i had been in the cold doing nothing but watching them rehearse for 3 hours) and all of a sudden I was putting inflections on syllables I had consciously chosen beforehand to avoid. The worst part was everyone was not only present to witness it, they were held up by my error. Oh woe. Been awhile since I was embarrassed.
I was pretty much kicking myself for the rest of the night (though I had other extremely emotional things going on that day-- funny, also, how I could cry at the drop of a hat ALL DAY-- two hours sleep, mind you) yet when it came to my scene I was emotionless as a stone. Anyway, I felt horrible for the rest of the night, but come this morning I was refreshed. Rededicated to the whole thing and glad to have something that will iron me out and stretch me in ways that I hadn't really planned on. I opted to do this so that I could prove to myself that I am a multi-talented person, that I could just have more in my life to show for my existence. You know. "What, second semester Junior year? I was in a play!" And yes. I wanted to be different, I wanted to prove myself to other people who seem so quick to classify me as unworthy and uninteresting (my fault, as I don't seek their attention but somehow resent their disinterest-but still). But that's not what this is going to be, apparently. This going to be... a learning experience. DAMMIT!! Who knew? Anyway, on the one hand I'm pissed that I'm not just a natural (like it seemed I was once) but on the other... and ultimately... I'm glad overall and I'm very motivated to do this learnin'.
Lately I've reignited my appreciation for Grounds for Divorce, an Elbow song that was pretty popular last year after it was in Burn After Reading. I liked it and all but this week I CANNOT GET ENOUGH.
What else?
So far school's been okay. Great at moments, not so at others. Screenwriting-wise I've learned that the quirky comedy thing probably isn't going to work so well for me in the long run- it'll be alright for the shorts and I'd really like to have a sense of humor present in everything I write, but overall I think I'm the most interested in writing fairly dark, serious dramas. I like the tone of the classic films and darker, grey sort of subjects keep me more on task. There's alot to explore there. Though I wish I could balance the two- one About A Boy this year, one No Country for Old Men the next, I don't think I quite have that capability. All this to say, I'm trying my hand at comedy and my screenwriting teacher has a very broad sense of it- she's wonderful, but her direction is taking me somewhat away from what I'm seeking to express in my story. I really, really like the story but I don't know if I'm fit to tell it- or funny enough.
Been dealing with doubt in a very weird form- distrust of everlasting love. When feeling what I perceive to be its absence I begin to doubt it's existence. Not concretely, and... I mean, I believe technically in its existence, or that I should, but I don't FEEL it as I tell myself I should. Also, I know where it comes from- a genuine dislike for myself, currently the root of all of my issues (issues? yes. I have actually regressed in the past month. terribly. I spent 4 days in bed at one point, and I can't even put into writing the sort of thoughts that kept me up at night talking to myself like a crazy person. but that is another story). But still, this doubt becomes very pervasive... I have spent alot of time just seeking comfort as I've been told I can, but I feel the equivalent of a spiritual cold shoulder. Why, when I need it so much, is warmth absent? And the wheels churn. I don't have an answer to that- my guess is there's something internally at work preventing the peace that I'm looking for- but my friend did say something to me in regards to my doubts and God's expression of love. It's something that's definitely been discussed, but I don't suppose it ever sunk in for me: God expresses his love and insures our comfort by giving us loved ones. By providing us with friends and family and sometimes even strangers he gives us a piece of Himself and a method of cheer and consolation every day- even when these people are not about their presence and thoughts of them remain. IN THIS WAY (preacher man speak) we are provided for and loved.
Which is an excellent thought. On the other hand. I don't feel that in my current state that I have too much of that going on... most of the people that I felt made life livable are pretty far away from me- not just physically- so I suppose it makes sense that their absence would lead me to doubt- but eff. It does not make life pleasant sometimes.
On that note, I've been thinking quite a bit about love and relationships and whatnot. The other night I had a quiet epiphany about the subject, which I will put into the immortal text of the blogosphere once I've formulated an appropriate description of it, but I will say this little thought: I do think I'll be "alone" for most of my life- that is, not partnered. This is because of my clamhood and my self-dislike and, let's face it, I'm not pretty. Never was, and I could never fool anyone for an extended period of time into thinking otherwise. Pity party aside, I think I can accept this if I don't think about it too much-- but if this is the case I think what is desperately necessary is platonic male companionship in general. No-- not creepily, as some sort of boyfriend/husband REPLACEMENT-- you know, the guy friend who's essentially used as a romantic/chastely sexual character in one's mind without it being too clear in one's actions (ie flirtatious objects of projection). No, I just think true manly company is essential, at least to me. It reminds me of the wholeness of us as the human race and the goodness that can be found in figures that I can't seem to help finding pretentious or intimidating in theory or image. My guy friends, few as they really were (the close ones) have not been in my life so much lately, and for some reason interaction with the opposite sex on this campus is too painfully postured for my functionality. This must change.
Today, I was walking in U-hall and fell down a frozen (nonworking) escalator. I gashed my knee. I would have laughed, because I usually do at my ridiculousness, but coming after my rehearsal last night I was very quick to hop up and carry on. If I were watching me, however, falling forward then down an ESCALATOR I would have laughed.
I GOT SOUL BUT I'M NOT A SOLDIER!
My Prod 200 class has been really interesting... I can't tell whether or not I'm any good at what I'm doing, but I think I do have an eye. I got an A on my first project, which I didn't think was going to be very impressive. Though I have to say when we watched it in class, projected onscreen all big and with the music all loud, it looked really beautiful to me (and I got alot of positive response). For my second project I hatched a plan to do a silent film- in the spirit of the real silent films- and thus grabbed Laura Mueller, she of the adorable face, to do my bidding. I haven't edited it yet, but I think it's going to be pretty cute. I also filmed something with Kate, she of the beautiful blue eyes, which could turn out very interesting if it's ever completed, and still intend on drowning Ophelia one of these days in preparation for a big script I plan to write on the subject one day. My final for the class is going to be a love story about a shy record store clerk (jon of the golden flecks) and a girl who is terribly hard of hearing. Very O. Henry cliche, but I'm excited.
To wrap up:
bothering me: doubt of God's love, essentially. Struggle with self-dislike. Homelessness (a topic, along with the concept of Family, that I would like to go on about ad infinitum.. and probably will eventually). My lack of get-up- but I think that's changing.
good: Yeah- it's changing. I'm getting better. Remember that epiphany I mentioned? Emotionally, things seem strangely clear on a few subjects that have been somewhat murky as of late and I'm very glad. Also, in the face of feeling a little loveless I've been pleased at my capacity for love and that I have been able to help some people out recently as best I could.
I GOT RINGO BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am at my best when creative. I feel so much more purposeful.
And, finally, a quote that has given my existence meaning this evening:
C.S. Lewis was one of the most incredible insights in the history of the world, in my humble opinion.
Goodnight moon.
So what does this mean? This means I get 226 to myself, baby.
The other night at rehearsal I practiced my "big scene" for the first time outside with the other actors, completely off-book and I sucked. Unless I was better than I thought I was. But I thought I was damn awful. It's so hilarious how one can build up an image of themselves in their own minds and once they begin the process of actualizing it-- well, it doesn't always work out. In my defense.... I was going on 2 hours of sleep (strange thing-- I went to bed at 5 and woke up at 7 feeling as if I just couldn't sleep any longer, so I just got up... whereas most times it's me going to bed at 1 and feeling like I can't get up until almost 11, wtf), not very much food, I hadn't been to Fr. Grant's rehearsals since we had moved outside, and I had no freaking idea how the staging was going to work (we weren't even rehearsing where we were going to perform... confusing). Still. I really thought I had my lines down and that I could pull it off, but as I started to speak I realized I sounded TERRIBLE. Placeless. I had no clue who the eff this guy is- strong, emotional, crafty- or just sad?- my voice sounded incredibly flat (though i had been in the cold doing nothing but watching them rehearse for 3 hours) and all of a sudden I was putting inflections on syllables I had consciously chosen beforehand to avoid. The worst part was everyone was not only present to witness it, they were held up by my error. Oh woe. Been awhile since I was embarrassed.
I was pretty much kicking myself for the rest of the night (though I had other extremely emotional things going on that day-- funny, also, how I could cry at the drop of a hat ALL DAY-- two hours sleep, mind you) yet when it came to my scene I was emotionless as a stone. Anyway, I felt horrible for the rest of the night, but come this morning I was refreshed. Rededicated to the whole thing and glad to have something that will iron me out and stretch me in ways that I hadn't really planned on. I opted to do this so that I could prove to myself that I am a multi-talented person, that I could just have more in my life to show for my existence. You know. "What, second semester Junior year? I was in a play!" And yes. I wanted to be different, I wanted to prove myself to other people who seem so quick to classify me as unworthy and uninteresting (my fault, as I don't seek their attention but somehow resent their disinterest-but still). But that's not what this is going to be, apparently. This going to be... a learning experience. DAMMIT!! Who knew? Anyway, on the one hand I'm pissed that I'm not just a natural (like it seemed I was once) but on the other... and ultimately... I'm glad overall and I'm very motivated to do this learnin'.
Lately I've reignited my appreciation for Grounds for Divorce, an Elbow song that was pretty popular last year after it was in Burn After Reading. I liked it and all but this week I CANNOT GET ENOUGH.
What else?
So far school's been okay. Great at moments, not so at others. Screenwriting-wise I've learned that the quirky comedy thing probably isn't going to work so well for me in the long run- it'll be alright for the shorts and I'd really like to have a sense of humor present in everything I write, but overall I think I'm the most interested in writing fairly dark, serious dramas. I like the tone of the classic films and darker, grey sort of subjects keep me more on task. There's alot to explore there. Though I wish I could balance the two- one About A Boy this year, one No Country for Old Men the next, I don't think I quite have that capability. All this to say, I'm trying my hand at comedy and my screenwriting teacher has a very broad sense of it- she's wonderful, but her direction is taking me somewhat away from what I'm seeking to express in my story. I really, really like the story but I don't know if I'm fit to tell it- or funny enough.
Been dealing with doubt in a very weird form- distrust of everlasting love. When feeling what I perceive to be its absence I begin to doubt it's existence. Not concretely, and... I mean, I believe technically in its existence, or that I should, but I don't FEEL it as I tell myself I should. Also, I know where it comes from- a genuine dislike for myself, currently the root of all of my issues (issues? yes. I have actually regressed in the past month. terribly. I spent 4 days in bed at one point, and I can't even put into writing the sort of thoughts that kept me up at night talking to myself like a crazy person. but that is another story). But still, this doubt becomes very pervasive... I have spent alot of time just seeking comfort as I've been told I can, but I feel the equivalent of a spiritual cold shoulder. Why, when I need it so much, is warmth absent? And the wheels churn. I don't have an answer to that- my guess is there's something internally at work preventing the peace that I'm looking for- but my friend did say something to me in regards to my doubts and God's expression of love. It's something that's definitely been discussed, but I don't suppose it ever sunk in for me: God expresses his love and insures our comfort by giving us loved ones. By providing us with friends and family and sometimes even strangers he gives us a piece of Himself and a method of cheer and consolation every day- even when these people are not about their presence and thoughts of them remain. IN THIS WAY (preacher man speak) we are provided for and loved.
Which is an excellent thought. On the other hand. I don't feel that in my current state that I have too much of that going on... most of the people that I felt made life livable are pretty far away from me- not just physically- so I suppose it makes sense that their absence would lead me to doubt- but eff. It does not make life pleasant sometimes.
On that note, I've been thinking quite a bit about love and relationships and whatnot. The other night I had a quiet epiphany about the subject, which I will put into the immortal text of the blogosphere once I've formulated an appropriate description of it, but I will say this little thought: I do think I'll be "alone" for most of my life- that is, not partnered. This is because of my clamhood and my self-dislike and, let's face it, I'm not pretty. Never was, and I could never fool anyone for an extended period of time into thinking otherwise. Pity party aside, I think I can accept this if I don't think about it too much-- but if this is the case I think what is desperately necessary is platonic male companionship in general. No-- not creepily, as some sort of boyfriend/husband REPLACEMENT-- you know, the guy friend who's essentially used as a romantic/chastely sexual character in one's mind without it being too clear in one's actions (ie flirtatious objects of projection). No, I just think true manly company is essential, at least to me. It reminds me of the wholeness of us as the human race and the goodness that can be found in figures that I can't seem to help finding pretentious or intimidating in theory or image. My guy friends, few as they really were (the close ones) have not been in my life so much lately, and for some reason interaction with the opposite sex on this campus is too painfully postured for my functionality. This must change.
Today, I was walking in U-hall and fell down a frozen (nonworking) escalator. I gashed my knee. I would have laughed, because I usually do at my ridiculousness, but coming after my rehearsal last night I was very quick to hop up and carry on. If I were watching me, however, falling forward then down an ESCALATOR I would have laughed.
I GOT SOUL BUT I'M NOT A SOLDIER!
My Prod 200 class has been really interesting... I can't tell whether or not I'm any good at what I'm doing, but I think I do have an eye. I got an A on my first project, which I didn't think was going to be very impressive. Though I have to say when we watched it in class, projected onscreen all big and with the music all loud, it looked really beautiful to me (and I got alot of positive response). For my second project I hatched a plan to do a silent film- in the spirit of the real silent films- and thus grabbed Laura Mueller, she of the adorable face, to do my bidding. I haven't edited it yet, but I think it's going to be pretty cute. I also filmed something with Kate, she of the beautiful blue eyes, which could turn out very interesting if it's ever completed, and still intend on drowning Ophelia one of these days in preparation for a big script I plan to write on the subject one day. My final for the class is going to be a love story about a shy record store clerk (jon of the golden flecks) and a girl who is terribly hard of hearing. Very O. Henry cliche, but I'm excited.
To wrap up:
bothering me: doubt of God's love, essentially. Struggle with self-dislike. Homelessness (a topic, along with the concept of Family, that I would like to go on about ad infinitum.. and probably will eventually). My lack of get-up- but I think that's changing.
good: Yeah- it's changing. I'm getting better. Remember that epiphany I mentioned? Emotionally, things seem strangely clear on a few subjects that have been somewhat murky as of late and I'm very glad. Also, in the face of feeling a little loveless I've been pleased at my capacity for love and that I have been able to help some people out recently as best I could.
I GOT RINGO BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am at my best when creative. I feel so much more purposeful.
And, finally, a quote that has given my existence meaning this evening:
“Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art, like the universe itself (for God did not need to create). It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.”
C.S. Lewis was one of the most incredible insights in the history of the world, in my humble opinion.
Goodnight moon.
Monday, March 23, 2009
between march 22nd and the 23rd something changed.
And then her heart exploded, and love went everywhere. It dripped from the ceiling, soaked into the floor, stained the curtains. it ran into the street, richocheted from the buildings, flooded the beaches, enveloped all of them in its permanence; love love love.
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