i am obsessed with this silly clip from forgetting sarah marshall. and now with this comedian whom i find exceedingly lovable:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pB_1t-Vn6Vs
Saturday, August 22, 2009
but can you save me from the ranks of the freaks
i'm tired.
the restlessness is fading, though, and i know i have to stop looking for the Divine Push in regards to everyday living and know that i have to start seeking the Divine on His Private Line. i have to stop hoping for people to save me, to say the right thing or be the right comfort or know what it is that i need-- or can distract me enough to shield me from this feeling of lack and empty.
boys do not pay attention to me. they cannot save me.
men do not understand me. they cannot save me.
i will be taking care of my family soon enough. they cannot save me.
friends are to be loved, not wrung of all care. they cannot save me.
i, i who have more issues than readers digest, cannot save me.
one step at a time.
the restlessness is fading, though, and i know i have to stop looking for the Divine Push in regards to everyday living and know that i have to start seeking the Divine on His Private Line. i have to stop hoping for people to save me, to say the right thing or be the right comfort or know what it is that i need-- or can distract me enough to shield me from this feeling of lack and empty.
boys do not pay attention to me. they cannot save me.
men do not understand me. they cannot save me.
i will be taking care of my family soon enough. they cannot save me.
friends are to be loved, not wrung of all care. they cannot save me.
i, i who have more issues than readers digest, cannot save me.
one step at a time.
Monday, August 17, 2009
TMI, the world screams, but I don't care: horrible, horrible cramps today. Curse Eve, curse babies, curse the female species. This suffering is entirely uncalled for in light of the fact that I probably will not have children. And even if I did--- years of monthly pain, courtship (ie years of awkwardness and an expensive wedding), a ridiculous 9-month pregnacy (huge feet, huge self, morning sickness) all for what will probably be an ugly baby?
I'm being silly now, but really. Come on. They weren't always painful, it seems like just this year they've moved from uncomfortable to unbelievable. People don't understand it if they haven't experienced it-- it's as though a tiny steel fist has grabbed ahold of all of your lower abdominal organs and is squeezing them from the middle. Because of the source of pain being essentially in your stomach you assume you can breath and that will change it, but no. You think a shift in position could make it more tolerable- like a stomach ache. But no. You think relieving yourself will help. But no. Today it was so painful I was sweating and very near throwing up. Eventually I popped 2 tylenol and 3 ib profins-- not reccommended, but finally did the trick. Or maybe it was my plea to God to make the suffering stop. Horrible. Horrible. Horrible to be under strain like that in a house that is not your own-- though going through it in a dorm with a clueless room-mate was also not entirely comfortable. UGH. STUPID.
So someone in my life needs to get married. I have a fever and the only prescription is more weddings. This will also be a plus if I am made godmother to all the little tots that result from said weddings... twill save this period-sufferer from providing myself with my own children. Everyone wins.
So a few months ago I did a happy exercize, listing 5 good things. wir beginnen again.
1. Pride
Yes. Pride comes before a fall, and I am aware of the scrutiny that I will have to handle after this statement, but it has just occurred to me and it has made me very happy, again, especially given my stance on remaining single: i think i have had a good hand in helping people i love. In the past it has been very hard for me to see any positive effect that I could have on anyone. Surely I have been the only person to benefit from friendship, surely I am the one that needs. I have been accused of being needy and weak before, and I have taken it to heart. That is a painful idea to face, but I don't think it's true anymore. I don't think it ever was. The details of that are for another time, but my point is that I have given alot of myself and I think I have left somewhat of a good impression on the recievers. I think those that know me have grown more honest because of me, I think they have grown more affectionate through me. I think more people can say "I love you" now than they could before, and not worry, not be concerned that it is not a cool or manly thing to say. I think more people can talk about themselves with ease, I think more people can read aloud and not worry so much about messing up. I think more people know not to identify a tear with a child. I think more people can be comfortable with themselves, safe in the knowledge that someone loves the daylights out of them.
2. Classes start soon.
I am not relishing my return to the fake-Catholic land, but I am psyched, psyched to the max to be educated again. 2 film studies (Irish and Women in Film... rad), 1 philosophy, 2 screenwriting classes (directing- ie production!!, and writing the sitcom, oh no), and 1 english class (chaucer! all chaucer!! all the time!!). Not to mention a job, volunteering, going to the gym, joining CLC (finally) and the possibility of an internship. I need to find a church, too. I think maybe I will be better this year about going to class...
3. Lack of depression
I don't know if it's because I haven't had the chance, but it seems as if this summer that I've slowly, subtley become less prone to collapse. Maybe I was right back in June after all. I'm still no good at getting up, no good at anxiety, and somewhat lax about hygeine (comes from understanding your own level of attractiveness. a difficult reality when spending time around friends who are 10's while you remain a 3... but wait this is a good list..). I did have a random outburst of emotion at an uncalled for moment, but I think I'm going to be OK.
4. I went to San Francisco.
I have to spare the details of it here because it was a pretty stressful trip for me, but good lord. What a wonderful city. I would like to live there for awhile. It's so alive, but it's not like LA. It's not crudely made, it's historic and beautiful and bridged. All LA has to offer is Hollywood, and even that is grimy and cold in many ways.
5. Sadly I have run out of time. I will think of another good thing or perhaps five more later. Sleep now.
I'm being silly now, but really. Come on. They weren't always painful, it seems like just this year they've moved from uncomfortable to unbelievable. People don't understand it if they haven't experienced it-- it's as though a tiny steel fist has grabbed ahold of all of your lower abdominal organs and is squeezing them from the middle. Because of the source of pain being essentially in your stomach you assume you can breath and that will change it, but no. You think a shift in position could make it more tolerable- like a stomach ache. But no. You think relieving yourself will help. But no. Today it was so painful I was sweating and very near throwing up. Eventually I popped 2 tylenol and 3 ib profins-- not reccommended, but finally did the trick. Or maybe it was my plea to God to make the suffering stop. Horrible. Horrible. Horrible to be under strain like that in a house that is not your own-- though going through it in a dorm with a clueless room-mate was also not entirely comfortable. UGH. STUPID.
So someone in my life needs to get married. I have a fever and the only prescription is more weddings. This will also be a plus if I am made godmother to all the little tots that result from said weddings... twill save this period-sufferer from providing myself with my own children. Everyone wins.
So a few months ago I did a happy exercize, listing 5 good things. wir beginnen again.
1. Pride
Yes. Pride comes before a fall, and I am aware of the scrutiny that I will have to handle after this statement, but it has just occurred to me and it has made me very happy, again, especially given my stance on remaining single: i think i have had a good hand in helping people i love. In the past it has been very hard for me to see any positive effect that I could have on anyone. Surely I have been the only person to benefit from friendship, surely I am the one that needs. I have been accused of being needy and weak before, and I have taken it to heart. That is a painful idea to face, but I don't think it's true anymore. I don't think it ever was. The details of that are for another time, but my point is that I have given alot of myself and I think I have left somewhat of a good impression on the recievers. I think those that know me have grown more honest because of me, I think they have grown more affectionate through me. I think more people can say "I love you" now than they could before, and not worry, not be concerned that it is not a cool or manly thing to say. I think more people can talk about themselves with ease, I think more people can read aloud and not worry so much about messing up. I think more people know not to identify a tear with a child. I think more people can be comfortable with themselves, safe in the knowledge that someone loves the daylights out of them.
2. Classes start soon.
I am not relishing my return to the fake-Catholic land, but I am psyched, psyched to the max to be educated again. 2 film studies (Irish and Women in Film... rad), 1 philosophy, 2 screenwriting classes (directing- ie production!!, and writing the sitcom, oh no), and 1 english class (chaucer! all chaucer!! all the time!!). Not to mention a job, volunteering, going to the gym, joining CLC (finally) and the possibility of an internship. I need to find a church, too. I think maybe I will be better this year about going to class...
3. Lack of depression
I don't know if it's because I haven't had the chance, but it seems as if this summer that I've slowly, subtley become less prone to collapse. Maybe I was right back in June after all. I'm still no good at getting up, no good at anxiety, and somewhat lax about hygeine (comes from understanding your own level of attractiveness. a difficult reality when spending time around friends who are 10's while you remain a 3... but wait this is a good list..). I did have a random outburst of emotion at an uncalled for moment, but I think I'm going to be OK.
4. I went to San Francisco.
I have to spare the details of it here because it was a pretty stressful trip for me, but good lord. What a wonderful city. I would like to live there for awhile. It's so alive, but it's not like LA. It's not crudely made, it's historic and beautiful and bridged. All LA has to offer is Hollywood, and even that is grimy and cold in many ways.
5. Sadly I have run out of time. I will think of another good thing or perhaps five more later. Sleep now.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Sunday, July 26, 2009
dead start to story.
He did not make use of the dead horse’s remains. He considered them useless, tainted by evil. A beautiful horse, like the other three, he himself had named it, Big Joe, after himself, a kinda joke, but it was dead now and that really didn’t matter. Dad Sir was no longer around to tell him not to waste resources, to tell him what was right, so Joseph vowed to move on instinct. From the moment he saw Dad Sir in a pile, fallen and broken and trampled, he knew things were going to be different. He did not cry, it was not something Dad Sir would have wanted, and Lord knows Ma was doing enough of that for the both of them- for anyone in the whole world.
After seeing after Dad Sir’s burial the only logical thing to do was kill Big Joe. Big, beautiful Joe—he knew what was coming to him. He took it like a condemned prisoner, like one of the men Joseph’d seen hung in town, when they used to live in town.
After seeing after Dad Sir’s burial the only logical thing to do was kill Big Joe. Big, beautiful Joe—he knew what was coming to him. He took it like a condemned prisoner, like one of the men Joseph’d seen hung in town, when they used to live in town.
oh the glory that the lord has made
and the complications you could do without/when i kissed you on the mouth.
the more i listen to it- and i think i've listened to it a good 10000000 times, it reaches out for my heart and just destroys it. sufjan, my stalkee (that's not true- i actually want to know nothing about him), is i think the songwriter of the decade, and this song is one of the most perfect i have ever heard. the complexity of it is just out of this world- the sound of it, the arrangement is beautiful and subtle and so easy to listen to, and the lyrics flow like poetry- it IS poetry, it is fine literature. it is also a beautiful unfolding story about first awkward love in a religious community, about growing up, and about death of a young person. He covers his story, his longings, as well as her story, her life cut short. he muses on the concept of pain and struggles with God. even more than that, every part of the story is illustrated so beautifully- described as in a refined novel. it's so evocative. i wish there were something i could manage to say about it that doesn't seem cliche, but right now everything that i have just written sounds old.
i'm just going to keep the lyrics here for quick reference.
the more i listen to it- and i think i've listened to it a good 10000000 times, it reaches out for my heart and just destroys it. sufjan, my stalkee (that's not true- i actually want to know nothing about him), is i think the songwriter of the decade, and this song is one of the most perfect i have ever heard. the complexity of it is just out of this world- the sound of it, the arrangement is beautiful and subtle and so easy to listen to, and the lyrics flow like poetry- it IS poetry, it is fine literature. it is also a beautiful unfolding story about first awkward love in a religious community, about growing up, and about death of a young person. He covers his story, his longings, as well as her story, her life cut short. he muses on the concept of pain and struggles with God. even more than that, every part of the story is illustrated so beautifully- described as in a refined novel. it's so evocative. i wish there were something i could manage to say about it that doesn't seem cliche, but right now everything that i have just written sounds old.
i'm just going to keep the lyrics here for quick reference.
Golden rod and the 4-H stone
The things I brought you
When I found out you had cancer of the bone
Your father cried on the telephone
And he drove his car to the Navy yard
Just to prove that he was sorry
In the morning through the window shade
When the light pressed up against your shoulder blade
I could see what you were reading
Oh the glory that the lord has made
And the complications you could do without
When I kissed you on the mouth
Tuesday night at the bible study
We lift our hands and pray over your body
But nothing ever happens
I remember at Michael's house
In the living room when you kissed my neck
And I almost touched your blouse
In the morning at the top of the stairs
When your father found out what we did that night
And you told me you were scared
Oh the glory when you ran outside
With your shirt tucked in and your shoes untied
And you told me not to follow you
Sunday night when I cleaned the house
I find the card where you wrote it out
With the pictures of your mother
On the floor at the great divide
With my shirt tucked in and my shoes untied
I am crying in the bathroom
In the morning when you finally go
And the nurse runs in with her head hung low
And the cardinal hits the window
In the morning in the winter shade
On the first of March on the holiday
I thought I saw you breathing
Oh the glory that the lord has made
And the complications when I see his face
In the morning in the window
Oh the glory when he took our place
But he took my shoulders and he shook my face
And he takes and he takes and he takes
The things I brought you
When I found out you had cancer of the bone
Your father cried on the telephone
And he drove his car to the Navy yard
Just to prove that he was sorry
In the morning through the window shade
When the light pressed up against your shoulder blade
I could see what you were reading
Oh the glory that the lord has made
And the complications you could do without
When I kissed you on the mouth
Tuesday night at the bible study
We lift our hands and pray over your body
But nothing ever happens
I remember at Michael's house
In the living room when you kissed my neck
And I almost touched your blouse
In the morning at the top of the stairs
When your father found out what we did that night
And you told me you were scared
Oh the glory when you ran outside
With your shirt tucked in and your shoes untied
And you told me not to follow you
Sunday night when I cleaned the house
I find the card where you wrote it out
With the pictures of your mother
On the floor at the great divide
With my shirt tucked in and my shoes untied
I am crying in the bathroom
In the morning when you finally go
And the nurse runs in with her head hung low
And the cardinal hits the window
In the morning in the winter shade
On the first of March on the holiday
I thought I saw you breathing
Oh the glory that the lord has made
And the complications when I see his face
In the morning in the window
Oh the glory when he took our place
But he took my shoulders and he shook my face
And he takes and he takes and he takes
Reading that as I listen to it is really too much.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
of new favorites and coincidences, of dualities i will not explore today
Life is a strange thing, and as much as I think I'm in touch of it most of the time I am beginning to wonder if I really am at all. Oh, no, another layer to life that must be peeled away.
Such discoveries always lead me to question my own sanity, but after reading some Hamlet tonight I have decided against going down that road- I am too tired. For now it's tipping my toes into the notion of a dual understanding- perception and fact, self perception/image and self actualization. The world is vast, but the mind even more so.
So tonight, I put away these thoughts and concentrate on my pride at being creative, at being quite a powerfully creative person. It will be a shame if I cannot overcome myself and make something of this power-- I am starting to see it for what it is, and if it can only get out- if it only has enough time and memory to be let out- then it would build itself (and then comes the problem of introducing it to a public, but no matter, perhaps it will introduce itself too.. perhaps it will walk and talk by its own little self!).
Also, I have thought of setting aside a separate blog where i will write only about film and books and television and music and stuff. but then i thought, meh. why not write about it here, start keeping things in one place for once?
Books I am reading: The Journals of Sylvia Plath (! Remarkable, strangely helpful and encouraging, a new favorite, more on everything I love about it soon; but as I said a few entries ago I strongly identify with Plath and women like her, and I hope and probably incorrectly interpret that the meaning behind that feeling is my own brilliance), All Men Are Mortal (strange, interesting writer that Simone. It's existential and so far I like it very much, though the beginning feels superior to the rest of it. funny anecdote on that + mechanic someday soon), Mere Christianity (still, I know, though I shall mention a bit he wrote about Faith that I find very encouraging), and a few other things. But those are the ones I'm determined to finish.
Films I have seen recently: Public Enemies (i'm christian bale wah wah i enjoy NOTHING), in which I mostly enjoyed the gunfire and the romance between Depp and the French woman who happens to have a lovely name that I would hate to misspell. Yes, wildly romantic story tucked inside of an infamous legend, and I have to admit I loved it, as the filmmakers knew I would. It was strangely sincere, passionate, and surreal as it did not function in the real world but rather in the movie world that Dillinger had mapped out for them (they don't particularly touch on it in P.E. (ehe) but D was verrry much into the flims and undoubtedly got many of his best lines from the screen...) It gave me a strange ache, to be honest. But then again I detest such honesty--
anyway: Desperate Hours (one of Bogie's last, and I have been so fascinated by the man and his persona lately... what an interesting character! i must read his biographies), Face in the Crowd (creepy masterpiece, unbelievably ahead of its time, if i were a film teacher i would demand my pupils study it), Stop-Loss (frightening also, i did not know about stop-loss, nor do i know much of the military in general: should change that), In Cold Blood, Basic Instinct (regrettably... wow, softcore much??), The Muse (dull but clever, rather what I needed I suppose... oh god, though, two Sharon Stone movies in one day??), The Beguiled (really interesting! i loved the ending, and i loved Eastwood ALOT. first time i have seen him play a character quite like that... almost a villian, almost), and Confessions of a Super Hero (highly recommended. i LOVE docs that explore character and counter-culture... the nooks and crannies of the US are just full of interesting stories). Last week I saw The Fall, which is my new favorite [OH MY GOODNESS just as i was typing "new favorite" the very phrase "new favorite" was sung in a random song on pandora.com!!! what does that mean? i am befuddled!! the song is apparently new favorite by allison krauss. i must look up the lyrics now, though they do not sound divinely applicable right now, as one would hope]. Anyway, yes, the Fall, beautifully poetic. And Confessions of a Shopaholic, which had a scene featuring one of my directors last semester, Jim Holmes. Worth it just for that-- though, silly as the movie was, I found it endearing for its timeliness.
Tonight, because I spent the whole day dragging about I have been struck with that guilty creative impulse. COMMIT TO RECOMMIT!!!! LET THAT BE YOUR MANTRA! You will always have bad days, probably more than others, because you are depressed, and you have gotten weak, and you have allowed the tricky devil into your head and your hollow bones and I wish I could say no more but it will be a steady process-- this we can do, we can do it, we can make a life. BOTTOM LINE: this life must change. THIS LIFE MUST CHANGE!! Please God, through You, let me change it. Through writing, change it for me.
A rant and a prayer and 50 film reviews later, i bid you adieu.
Such discoveries always lead me to question my own sanity, but after reading some Hamlet tonight I have decided against going down that road- I am too tired. For now it's tipping my toes into the notion of a dual understanding- perception and fact, self perception/image and self actualization. The world is vast, but the mind even more so.
So tonight, I put away these thoughts and concentrate on my pride at being creative, at being quite a powerfully creative person. It will be a shame if I cannot overcome myself and make something of this power-- I am starting to see it for what it is, and if it can only get out- if it only has enough time and memory to be let out- then it would build itself (and then comes the problem of introducing it to a public, but no matter, perhaps it will introduce itself too.. perhaps it will walk and talk by its own little self!).
Also, I have thought of setting aside a separate blog where i will write only about film and books and television and music and stuff. but then i thought, meh. why not write about it here, start keeping things in one place for once?
Books I am reading: The Journals of Sylvia Plath (! Remarkable, strangely helpful and encouraging, a new favorite, more on everything I love about it soon; but as I said a few entries ago I strongly identify with Plath and women like her, and I hope and probably incorrectly interpret that the meaning behind that feeling is my own brilliance), All Men Are Mortal (strange, interesting writer that Simone. It's existential and so far I like it very much, though the beginning feels superior to the rest of it. funny anecdote on that + mechanic someday soon), Mere Christianity (still, I know, though I shall mention a bit he wrote about Faith that I find very encouraging), and a few other things. But those are the ones I'm determined to finish.
Films I have seen recently: Public Enemies (i'm christian bale wah wah i enjoy NOTHING), in which I mostly enjoyed the gunfire and the romance between Depp and the French woman who happens to have a lovely name that I would hate to misspell. Yes, wildly romantic story tucked inside of an infamous legend, and I have to admit I loved it, as the filmmakers knew I would. It was strangely sincere, passionate, and surreal as it did not function in the real world but rather in the movie world that Dillinger had mapped out for them (they don't particularly touch on it in P.E. (ehe) but D was verrry much into the flims and undoubtedly got many of his best lines from the screen...) It gave me a strange ache, to be honest. But then again I detest such honesty--
anyway: Desperate Hours (one of Bogie's last, and I have been so fascinated by the man and his persona lately... what an interesting character! i must read his biographies), Face in the Crowd (creepy masterpiece, unbelievably ahead of its time, if i were a film teacher i would demand my pupils study it), Stop-Loss (frightening also, i did not know about stop-loss, nor do i know much of the military in general: should change that), In Cold Blood, Basic Instinct (regrettably... wow, softcore much??), The Muse (dull but clever, rather what I needed I suppose... oh god, though, two Sharon Stone movies in one day??), The Beguiled (really interesting! i loved the ending, and i loved Eastwood ALOT. first time i have seen him play a character quite like that... almost a villian, almost), and Confessions of a Super Hero (highly recommended. i LOVE docs that explore character and counter-culture... the nooks and crannies of the US are just full of interesting stories). Last week I saw The Fall, which is my new favorite [OH MY GOODNESS just as i was typing "new favorite" the very phrase "new favorite" was sung in a random song on pandora.com!!! what does that mean? i am befuddled!! the song is apparently new favorite by allison krauss. i must look up the lyrics now, though they do not sound divinely applicable right now, as one would hope]. Anyway, yes, the Fall, beautifully poetic. And Confessions of a Shopaholic, which had a scene featuring one of my directors last semester, Jim Holmes. Worth it just for that-- though, silly as the movie was, I found it endearing for its timeliness.
Tonight, because I spent the whole day dragging about I have been struck with that guilty creative impulse. COMMIT TO RECOMMIT!!!! LET THAT BE YOUR MANTRA! You will always have bad days, probably more than others, because you are depressed, and you have gotten weak, and you have allowed the tricky devil into your head and your hollow bones and I wish I could say no more but it will be a steady process-- this we can do, we can do it, we can make a life. BOTTOM LINE: this life must change. THIS LIFE MUST CHANGE!! Please God, through You, let me change it. Through writing, change it for me.
A rant and a prayer and 50 film reviews later, i bid you adieu.
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