i fucking hate my directing teacher. fucking. hate him.

...that's a bit exaggerated. but you get the idea.

oh we couldn't bring the columns down

deja vu.

anyway.

i don't know about children. if i want to have them, that is. i don't feel cut out to be a mom in alot of ways, but sometimes i just have ideas about how to mold a human being without crushing them, and i think maybe i wouldn't suck at it. too much.

anyway.

in class today i suddenly decided that i must write down all of my favorite names. forgive this, whoever happens to read this- i am not usually this person. but i do love names.

Boy-names
Connery
Dominic (or Donovan, but you can't have both)
Hadley (The Sun Also Rises is dedicated to him)
Rufus
Loudon (no, the Wainrights had nothing to do with it... I swear..)
Dante (well, it's better than naming him Chaucer)
Zooey (oh salinger, you've ruined me)
I kind of like the traditional boy-boy-names like Harry and Charlie and Billy, too.

Jude. So I could sing HEY JUDE to him. He would so growing up either hating or loving the Beatles. I could just name him Lennon. Bet he'd HATE that.

Girl-names
Margot or (eux, I suppose)
Amelia
Ophelia (i could call her Opie)
Portia (yes. yes. Shakespeare much?)
Maureen
Kate (not Katherine, ever. but Kate is lovely)
Phoebe (oh Salinger again)
Audrey (ye old hollywood)
Ingrid (although I have to admit I keep hearing Roddy Mcdowall say it in That Darn Cat.... "INgrid!".... but on the other hand, it's such a graceful, feminine name, as in Bergman.)
Maude (Judd Apatow had the nerve to name his daughter this. kudos, apatow, kudos...)


In other news, I was just on itunes and decided to see what was new at the store. i discovered
1) i am not up on my hipness. at all.
2) all of my little secrets have become big secrets due to the popularity of this crazy internet world. damn. i feel tragically unhip.
3) fleet foxes? new song?

the idea of idle beauty is worth the most contempt

this is a college kid thing to write about. but i am a college kid, so allow me.

i have no money, zip, nada. overdrawn, in the RED, dying, worried.

this weekend was my friend lauren's birthday. she wanted to have dinner. not too much to ask, obviously, and yet i had no cash. at all. maxed cards, you know, and i also wanted to actually GET her something, gah. so. i realized that i had 2 books from barnes and noble that i bought in ventura so i found the receipt through some black magic, then dashed to the nearest B&N for a refund.

now, as soon as i walked in i saw the large looming sign declaring 14 days the cut off point for returns. oh no. i get in line anyway, thinking maybe they won't notice it. i get redirected a number of times, finally to be told, indeed, that those 14 days had passed. depressed, i was about to withdraw my stupid nabokov and capote from the ring and endear them to me forever, but wait. they'd let me get away with it. it's just a FEW days after. but don't do it again! PRAISE GOD!! 30 dollars!!!!

Happily, I skipped forth from ye wonderfule olde bookesupplie, only to face my old friend, Coffee Bean. I sighed wistfully. If only. And I realize I'm hungry, too, with only oatmeal at home to eat. blah. as i make my way back to my car i espy a card on the ground. it looks like coffee bean..... could it??? i take it in. i find out that 10 dollars is on this here foundling. happy, happy day. i get a muffin.

i run to target. i return a skirt, but the money is refunded to my credit card. the good news about this is that now, come tomorrow, my netflix will actually be renewed through this card that now has some money on it. but anyway. i make my meager purchases for lauren. 2 pairs of cutethings and some peanut M&Ms. i usually want to do so much more for birthdays, but alas. I run home, run to the resturant, end up spending more than i planned on once tip and taxes are taken into account. and then i chip in to buy her a little cake and sparkly candles--- all in all, leaving me with one dollar!

and that, kids, is how to celebrate a birthday on a limited budget. old receipts and the kindness of parking lot gods, or God, who actually realizes that I need Coffee Bean more than I'd like to admit.

that's all.

this is fashion for katrina right now.

this is the stuff that dreams are made of. when i am in shape, i'm going to be much more devoted to style. damnation, i love vintage.



mod dresses (casual) and coats. yes.


sixties sophistication-- modest/conservative but very attractive, put together. i love Joan's flair as well... then again Joan can make anything sexy. Mad Men= obsession.


Deschanel is pretty much my number one fashion/image icon... she's super quirky but still on the vintage side, and not too offbeat. She dresses creatively and brightly (her general image is desirable too-- attractive in an intelligent way, multi-talented, but still very feminine.)

cannot find frying pan. hell to pay.

i hate relocating. i always lose about 15% of my useful items every move. if i move 3 times a year, as does your average college student, that means i lose 45% of my stuff. the coffee mugs will be the next to go, i just know it.

first week of school

Her boots fell to pieces long ago-- they were her daddy's boots, now only shreds, strapped around her feet- mere cloth protection from the heat of the ground, the sharp rocks. Now she walks slowly.

Done, finished, the beginning of the beginning and also the beginning of the end. Strange.

Best not to concentrate on specifics and just blaze on through.

Things to say, but today is the day to study and get things done.

That said, my Thursday class is all-Chaucer (Canterbury Tales) all the time, and my teacher is a dream (in an English Professor Weirdo way... not in a conveniently young and hot way, alas). He's hilarious. Anyway, he referenced "Geoffrey Chaucer Hath a Blog" in class and apparently I was the only one who didn't know about this phenomenon, but it's the funniest thing I've read in a long time and I'm addicted.

http://houseoffame.blogspot.com/

Bit that made me laugh exceedingly loud:

For neyther he nor Sir Neville had sene the snakes, but herde onnlie the cryes from below and knew nat what happede. And so Sir Sean got hym up to move but Sir Neville seyde, ‘Sir Knight, whan first we met ich toolde thee that if thou sholdst do my biddynge, thou wolde lyue, and in ower aventurez it hath happede thus that thou hast no reson to distruste me. Thou must bringe thy witnesse to Kyng Arthurez court, and thus stay thee heere the while ich figure out what the helle the noyse ys aboute. Mesemeth peraventure that the in-shippe filme ys Failure to Launch and alle folke do screme in terror at the mismatchede romantique payringe of Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew “Nat Luke nor Owen” McConaughey.’ And so Sir Sean stayede put while Sir Neville went doun to ward the noyse.

happy 50th blog.

aimless. no, not that, pretty productive, relatively. but i'm stalling. why am i so resistant? damn.

pondering standards, how i see people. will i become like my parents, will i stop trying to understand them and take them as is? i hope not, or maybe i hope so.

yesterday, and during points of today i have had the strangest sense of homesickness. strange. ventura must be home, i don't feel homesick there. but i do feel restless. maybe the restless feeling is just because i am young and clueless and haven't done or seen anything, or found what i'm looking for. maybe that's just natural, maybe that's just what CS Lewis is talking about on the subject of Faith in Mere Christianity. I wish I were more intelligent in regards to my own feelings sometimes. I see some people here, giving in to every whim and backpeddling at every moment, and I'm not like that. But it seems that with every altering of emotion I'm thrown into a turmoil. Anyway, point being I think my most significant comfort right now is knowing that Ventura is home. Ventura is home. And it's alright to feel homesick for it, even if it is unstable.

Though homesickness is never nice. Right now I feel strangely urgently needy, like I need a hug, someone to sit with me, someone to be with me NOW, but I don't want to be with or close to anyone. In fact I'm avoiding it, for the most part.

Going to the school shrink tomorrow. Probably not Christian, which would be my desire, but free, which is my joy.

I want to see Taking Woodstock. AND the Time Traveler's Wife. Suck it (I'm already talking like my room-mate. scary.)