but slowly, slowly!

That's the quote i keep hearing in my head as i try to build myself back up and pull it together. nothing is going to happen overnight, but change must occur. it must. i have been productive so far- not as much as i'd like to be, as i determine i must be late at night or when i wake up in the morning, but still. i'm making progress. i'm applying for jobs and internships and reading like mad, i'm writing somewhat, i'm spouting ideas, i'm not wallowing in loneliness. i'm not psyched to be back but i don't feel wretched and desperately lonely as i have at the start of semesters past. this is partially because i have decided that i don't care, that i have no expectations from the people of this school, and only, really, of myself. the other part is that i have lessened- well, maybe not lessened, perhaps more like brought into a realistic light- my own load, my own demands of myself. things will change, the snail will climb mount fiji, but slowly, slowly! these are decisions i made over break, and they are good ones for me. i came back to school with thoughts of "yes, it's time to do things. it's time to work. and that will feel good." also, i will be done, done with school by May 8th (O fateful day)... so perhaps that's the only reason. i like to think not, however.

here are things i am thinking for my future as of tonight:
this summer: work in ventura while job searching elsewhere; mainly LA and NYC
fall: move to NYC. work in NYC. if no job in NYC, then a trip to NYC is in order. continue to work.
spring: continue job in nyc or in la.
summer 2011: leave for europe. travel. work. whatever.
fall: grad school in europe.
while in europe, travel. see everything. run away. once done running, come back to ventura. get job in la. travel someplace ridiculous every year. write screenplays. write stories. write books. make movies. maybe fall in love, maybe not.
probably not.

By 26 or 27 I should be back in Ventura after gallavanting, unless I decide to stay someplace along the way. Yes.

In the meantime, work hard. Pay off debt. Lose weight. Write, write, write. Go to concerts, read, learn music, work on languages, grow hair out, take care of self, become better organized, take every trip that I may take in good conscience. I want to live and make up for the life that I've unwittingly wasted, either due to my father, my sister, my mom, my financial situation, my appearance, my silly unrequited heart, my own self-imposed boundaries. I realized recently that my father is a fearful man and has made me think that that sort of life is the norm. It is not. I will form myself into an adventurer, I will shake the dust from this town from me. Of course, I will revel in it again as well, I will set up shop and like it. But only after I've become this person I'm in love with. I think I see her in the mirror sometimes, but only for a fragment of a second.

another thing i've realized is that my problems have become so boring. i'm sick of them. i want them gone. easier said than done, but entirely possible.

i am bloody shakespeare (and he was bloody, that one...)

woe is the soul forsaken, for my words are immortal, and how they suffer.
-me, so far as i know.

i think that's pretty good.

This is something I am thinking about right now: Thursday night I went to a best-of-the-year honors thing for my school. It was on the 20th Century Fox backlot, which was a treat for me. Actually I can't convey to you the glee I felt as my trashy little geo waited in the ranks of cars to enter through the gates. Better still, the awards ceremony was buried deep within the nest, so I had to wander around the paths to find it. It was wonderful. Night yes, so not much filmmaking going on in front of the naked eye, but do you know that delightful feeling of anticipation that fall brings in, that taste of ambition beginning to dawn on the climate? Christmas is coming, Halloween is coming, soon we'll all have turkey, what will we do and how will we do it? That's kind of how it felt. I was by myself, also, and that always intensifies these moments. It makes me wonder if I should always be by myself so I can understand things better. Anyway, it was strangely wonderful. The ceremony was nice too, I got to see what goodies that the production kids have been doing all year and some famous people were there, too. The one that excited me was Brian Hegeland, the guy who wrote LA Confidential and Mystic River and, one of my favorite movies (don'tjudgeme), Knight's Tale. Anyway, he's apparently alumni, and it was very encouraging to see him. And frightening, too, I suppose.

Senioritis hasn't really hit me, nor do I really think it's going to. At least not as severely as some others. I feel as though I've already had my moments to panic, to worry, to try to make ends meet, that weighty decisions and the idea of being done with school is not frightening in the least. Yes, I like school, I like learning, I'll be sad to see mandatory scholasticism vanish from my day-to-day as well as the comforts that will run away with it, but perhaps it's because I've done this all backwards, because I have no particularly strong social attachment to my school of choice, because I already know what I love to do... who knows, my point is I do not feel the post-grad Dustin Hoffman experience. HOWEVER. I do feel the fear of not being able to be Brian Hegeland, or Clint Eastwood, or Sofia Coppola. I don't care if I have to work two or three jobs for the rest of my life or whathaveyou, but if I don't get to write, if I don't get to create on that level I think I will have a very difficult time surviving. I suppose I define success for myself as quality, and as I was watching one of those stupid montages for one of the editors that was also being honored on Thursday, my eyes started to well up and I thought, damn. I love good film, really good film. What if I fail at that? Oh no, oh no.

So that's what I've been thinking about. I can't seem to explain it to anyone, when I open my mouth all it sounds like is the senior blues or some riff on the American Dream, but I like to think it's different, and I want God to tip the roof off of the coffee shop that I'm sitting in right now and tell me exactly how many great works I will accomplish before I die, and how many people will be affected by them, and how I will know how appreciated I am before death. Only this will make me happy right now, and He knows it, what a tease.