oh my god we're back again.
right now is not the time to be writing about my plans for the new year as I sit here, petrified about starting school again. Well, school's the exciting part. Being away from what I consider my home- I guess, who I consider my home- what IS home, anyway, and do I really feel secure anywhere?-actually I don't think I do, but that's beside the point- I am away from people I love, entirely tucked away, and more than I feel alone I feel the intense dread, this immense, paralyzing FEAR of loneliness that right now makes me shake, literally. I think in alot of ways i'm more independent than anyone. but then there's this. this makes me angry, too. i don't want to be dependent on having someone's "uh huh" mean more than anyone else's. i don't want to crave the sound of someone's laugh over the general noise of the world. i don't want someone else's house to feel more like a home to me than anywhere i've ever been. no one needs that kind of dependence, it's not for me or for anyone else. it's sloppy and ridiculous and pressured, it does not appeal to what little pride i have left amongst those who know me well. but right now the thought of soldiering through a day, a single day without the remote possibility of seeing someone i love makes me shake. oh, i am a nomad, but without the heart of a traveler. i have the soul of a settler, but there's no hovel in sight. where is my home? why does my life simply seem ill-fitted for who i am? do we all feel so empty without love?
i know this year is going to be different. it's going to be better, so much better. but i hate being afraid.