Thursday, April 30, 2009

you're a cow- give me some milk or else go home!

There's always something so thrilling about class registration (especially when it goes well...)

So far I'm registered for:

1 Screenwriting-- Directing for Screenwriters (which means I can keep my toes in production, yaaaaaay)

2 Screenwriting-- Writing the Sitcom. I had to take one TV class. Eh.

3 Philosophy and the Arts-- Core. Had to take philosophy. Scared.

4 Film-- Women in Film

5 English (elective)-- Chaucer (!!!! an entire class on Chaucer!!!! HURRAH!)

The theology offerings were weak this next semester. Hopefully they will offer that Dante class next Spring. Anyway, I still need to add 2 classes... Irish Cinema and something else, depending on what's available. Sigh.

These past couple of days have seen a strange rise in productivity for me. Sure, there's alot of procrastination going on, but it's the kind of strangely productive procrastination- where you end up doing things you actually needed to do just so you can avoid the one thing you really REALLY should do, but at least something's getting done. I stayed up two nights in a row.... very interesting results. Sure, I was dragging today but I wasn't actively "tired"... and I was pumped.

Good things happened today... films were edited. Finanacial things were straightened out. My check finally came a few days ago! So that was a lovely load off. I got word about places to stay in Ventura...

In order to function in the summer, I still must: get in job app + call CISS, call back ladies about houses, find an internship, register at VC, call the storage people and get my stuff packed and outta here. I was also thinking of applying to work at Firefly again...

summer goals.

work. alot. at ciss, at firefly, where-ever.
make Rhymes With Orange, finally, once and for all.
lose. weight. go running in the morning. do not look at scale until august. hurrahhh.
work on screenplays... clara bow, or ophelia, or wilson....
work on short films by swiping dillon's cam.
read alot.

... yes well.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

So none of the performances after opening night held a candle to that glorious Wednesday. It was a night of comraderie. We loved everybody and we smoked cigars together and strange embraces were exchanged. Suddenly, it was OK to hug Jesus, Judas was less stand-offish (haha.. funny but true), I could compliment my fellow performers without feeling obligated. I doubt my enthusiasm for their talent was grasped, but I shall now put it into print that must last here and forevermore- i was and will remain touched and incredibly impressed by the talent of these LMU theatre weirdos. They are amazing. I am sorry I am not one of them; I would be very enamored with myself indeed.

I'd like to give a description of the play here for posterity, but I haven't the energy, and I have so much else I must concentrate on. I have some things I wish to cry about right now. But I will only say one thing, and then onto my planned exercize.

one thing: no one came. well, that's not true. Marlena and Lauren attended, and it did my little heart good to see them, peering over Jesus's shoulder at the last supper and beaming with pride. Sadly, they vanished after my main scene. I am glad they saw it. But alas, when I later searched the sea of our audience a friendly face could not be found. I left the crowd quickly and began to clean up. This was to be my fate all 5 nights.

No one came.

There were reasons. For the most part, I understand. But there is still a nagging pitiful bummed-out little whiner in my head who pops up every now and again when I think of it, and she says something along the lines of "if someone wanted to be there, they'd find a way". In certain cases, there was no way. In others... Well. I am sounding petty. I think I am just angry that I ended up feeling "alone again, naturally" even after making a somewhat significant accomplishment for me. I was in a play. A Big Play with Strange Olde Language. I rehearsed every night and weekend since February. Hours. I helped put it together. I poured myself into it, just like everyone else involved. And now it's over and no one came to say, hey, you appear to have survived. I don't need good job. I don't need that. I WANT MY WORK TO BE WITNESSED. This is true of all that I do! This is why I would do anything (walk five hundred miles...) to support anyone I truly care about. If it is not, then what is the point? My effort is who I am. Ah. Life crisis. I am thinking too much about this. One must move on, and I have decided to try not to care about it. I am self-sufficient, I always have been.

Indeed. Perhaps it was technically wrong to wish it in the first place.

which brings us to.


5 wonderful things. go.

1) The sunset here is amazing. I cannot believe that the entire student body does not rush to the bluff every evening to watch the tails of the day vanish into the purple dark, especially when the air is clear. You really can see forever- LA, the glint of building-tops, the winding roads, the hills in the distance, Hollywood in all of its teasing promise, and that beautiful, glorious sea that God has somehow seen fit to place so close to me. Why do I not go to it more often? It calls me daily but I ignore it.
Why is that?
2) 500 Miles by The Proclaimers
This is the most get-get-giddyup song in the world, and the best part is it's totally COOL and quirky. Yes, you can sing and skip along and feel not guilty but quirk-a-licious. You can also synchronize with your equally quirked friends by singing various parts together- DADADAHDAH! (dahdahDAHDAH) dumdiddlyum diddlyumdahdahdah! In fact my love for it has been reignited lately since during preparing for... well, I suppose it was opening night... a few of the theater people put it over the speakers and began to dance around wildly to it and sing. In Biblical garb. Okay. We actually all sang, even me. It could not be resisted.
3) My platform shoes.
These are crazy shoes. They are dying. They boost my height by two inches or so, and make my calves look nice. They are beaded. They are clonkers, but I can somehow walk in them gracefully as they have formed to my foot and are of a very specific shape that is rather unusual for your typical platform shoe. They make me feel vaguely attractive. I will miss them- I think come July they may have to retire. Oh, beloved shoes.

This scene. This movie, actually, I found incredibly striking. Some scenes and characters far more than others, but I have to say I really felt like I understood it and it spoke to me very specifically. It's about, for lack of eloquence- getting over things. Trauma, hurt, pain, misunderstanding, life, death. And forgiveness, and moving on. This scene is so quiet and strange, but it brings me to tears and I can't say why.

I want to write/make a movie like this someday. I am afraid that I can't.

5) My best friend sending me a text message that reads: dearest friend. i just wanted to say how much i love you, and send you hugs and hopes that things will be better :) <3 you've always been just like a snorkel to me.

there is joy in struggle. the Lord is proved perfect in imperfection. human beings are so amazingly versatile. creativity is unstoppable. the thrist for knowledge can never be quenched.

dramatic? perhaps, but i know that even my loneliness can be my friend. and then we might be two on this road. once i figure that out, maybe we can walk side by side.

i hope so.

Friday, April 17, 2009

off to see the world

i almost forgot what i wanted to write here about in the first place: a moment almost lost.

i was driving to lmu from ventura (after driving the 1 a bazillion times in one day), late at night, alone with my needy thoughts. exhausted. right before easter, which, even though invites were made, i decided would be best spent alone with a Bible, hw, and some marshmellow peeps (yellow). i was sad about this, sad about the last conversation i had, sad that i never know what's going to happen to me. it's like we're all jumping from some great height, but i see hands waiting to catch everyone else. i don't see hands for me.

anyway. another stupid tirade that leads no where and complains about life. moving on...

i was making one of those drives. now, the 1 is a coastal drive, winding, winding, at times level with the ocean, at times far far above it. At night this drive can be very trecherous because it has many turns, looms over the sea, and is NOT very well lit. AT ALL. There is a good stretch where there are no streetlights what so ever. I was going through this stretch, in fact, when I had another of those swing-on-the-dark paul-mccartney moments. I began to pass a point where the moon- gorgeous and full- spread over the sea, perfectly, creating the most amazing light over the water that looked like glass. The road was lit by two moons. Just as I was marveling at it, I realized I was listening to "Moon River", the Audrey Hepburn version [and yes, i know, i wasn't by a river but a SEA, but let that not be distracting]. It was so beautiful that I had to pull over to take it in. I cried, no surprise. I think it was a reminder that I wasn't alone.

I think the part of Moon River that always gets me is when she sings "there's such alot of world to see".
I have spent alot of this week in bed. I have woes. Money Woes- of the purse and of the penny. I have been literally counting my pennies- i realized today that i have not had spending money since late january and i am sick of it. i hate mooching, i hate borrowing, i hate not having even though i work and don't spend, for the most part. i have partaken in no crazy spending all year, i haven't even seen a movie in the theatre since the fucking Reader. I have to keep borrowing and saying no to cups of coffee even when i really want one. i have to beat around the bush about not contributing to things not because i don't want to but because i-- literally-- cannot. i don't know what to do. i don't know what to do about next year, i don't know what to do about living. i don't know what to do about what i owe.

this also encourages dependency, of which i will have none.

i suppose it's not a revelation, but it did dawn on me tonight that i flee people in order to protect my independence and my pride. fear of rejection runs so deep. i'd rather be detached and odd than be somewhat known and misunderstood or sneered at or disrespected.

i've been very good this semester about being on my own. of course i don't always do well, but fear and incapability have turned themselves inward rather than outward, which sounds unhealthy but actually seems to cause more introspection and less desperation, less need. Yes, I've spent alot of days in bed, covers over head, slipping in and out of conciousness, but at least I have not spent alot of time calling people late at night, writing letters, fretting, begging friends for their companionship. Not that I ever did that specifically, but one gets that feeling at times. Anyway, I haven't done that, though occasionally i do feel the sadness and the want to have someone familiar hug me, the desire to treat a family's home as my own even though the home does not belong to me; the family does not belong to me. I don't regard those feelings as weaknesses, but in context I see them as problematic- they must go away. i want to be very good at being alone.

seems i always write about these things, and rarely come to a conclusion.

opening night for the play was wednesday. tonight was round 2.
[introspective-ness [iamthedecIder] continues to strike as i consider the effects all of this has on me.]
it has been a rewarding experience. i want to do drama next year also, but not one with this schedule. this is madness.
i think i made someone cry in the audience today.

i'm not sure if i want friends to come see it. i think i just want them to want to come.

does everyone second guess their own motives like me?
or are there really just three types in the world? (those who are blind to their own motives, those who have motives and are fully aware and plodding every moment, and those whose intentions are usually plain and pure]
or is it that i care what people think?

sleep. next time hopefully i will speak happy words on a happy topic, and may that topic be a simple one.