Tuesday, July 27, 2010

planet earth is blue, and there's nothing i can do.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

things i want to write about soon:

"Crime and Punishment"

Calico Skies

Morning/Money anxiety

How I feel while driving the 101 from Santa Barbara on a sunny-gloom afternoon with wonderful music playing LOUDLY

Whiskey Sours.

The movie "Greenberg" which I am currently in love with, and how well it goes with the Beatles song "You Never Give Me Your Money"

I hardly ever pay attention to that song, but as I've been cycling through all Beatle music all the time this past week, I happened to listen to it carefully while driving up some ridiculous hill in LA. I was shocked at what I heard:

Out of college money spent
See no future pay no rent.
All the money's gone, nowhere to go.
Any Jobber got the sack,
Monday morning turning back.
Yellow lorry slow, nowhere to go.
But oh, that magic feeling nowhere to go.
One sweet dream
Pick up the bags and get in the limousine.
Soon we'll be away from here.
Step on the gas and wipe that tear away,
One sweet dream came true today, came true today.

....hello, my life. thank you, songwriters, for letting me find an easy definition for what i'm feeling at every moment.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Concert. Concert of my life. Amazing. And, as predicted, the thing has probably ruined me for any concerts to follow and has reminded me that McCartney and the Beatles should pretty much be listened to ALL OF THE TIME. The whole experience was just so lovely and complete (well, maybe not at first, considering we were in the nosebleed section...? but after the music started it didn't matter) and in the end McCartney as a performer exceeded my expectations. He played everything I could have hoped for, and just when we thought he was out of songs he reminded us that oh, there's more, and oh, we love every single one of them. How amazing that so much utterly timeless music can emerge from the mind of one guy (of course, in the case of the beatles it was all of them making it work, but still, the songs that he wrote himself are stellar. in fact he could have gone solo very early on).

SO. The story, for my posterity only (IE I don't expect it to entertain any of you who may be perusing). Tra la la. My friend Kate and I walk about the Fisherman's Wharf area of the city for a bit of the day, stopping at various art and craft places, and then dropping in on Chinatown and Columbus, the Beat Place (where City Lights resides, yay). We ate our dinner in Jake Kerouac alley, which was wonderful, then rolled down the hill, back to Ringo for a change of shoes, and off to the AT&T park. It's gigantic-- situated right on the bay with the water behind it. We climbed alllll the way up to our seats-- all the way up and to the far left. The show took an hour to start, which I think was due to the mismanagement of the park-- I suppose they're not used to having concerts there. Anyway. It was enough time to let the sun set and for us to take in everyone. Like the James Taylor concert, it was an awesome cross-generational event, only this time with more young people. Which was fantastic. Just as the concert was about to start, Kate (whose wit, incidentally, makes me smile in awe sometimes. on this day she was cracking me up left and right, and as we sat shivering waiting for our Beatle she kept saying stuff like "Well, I hope Paul is warm." and "Clapping won't bring him out any faster. In fact, he's probably chuckling at the ill-fated attempt." snicker snicker) and I realized that people were not going to claim their middle seats, so we quickly evacuated our "far left" seats for the center, which was still very high up but with a much better view, thankfully. And then the sun went down and out came Paul, precious Paul!

The setlist, according to his website:

San Francisco AT&T; Setlist - Saturday 10th July 2010.

1. Venus and Mars / Rockshow
I hadn't heard this before, that I can recollect. And it's not a great song, but it's alright. I think he must play it because the beginning lyrics are about being backstage, in a stadium. Aha.

2. Jet
Yayyyyyy the wings song we all know! This really is a happy happy song that my dad has always liked. I never bothered to learn the words, apparently, other than "wooo oooh woo oohh oooh JET!" and the SUFFERAGETE part. But it's so energized. [I looked it up, it seems to be a bit of a reference to John Lennon and at one point a nod to David Bowie (the major, suffragete city, looking like a woman...)].

3. All My Loving
Yeah, when he played this everyone went nuts and it was like being a giddy girl in the 60's. This is also one of my favorites from the moptop phase, so it was fun to hear.

After this Paul starting talking to us and just amusingly recollecting things, telling us that the last time he was in San Fran he couldn't hear himself sing for all the screaming girls (cue the audience screaming), but now "We have loud.... things."

4. Letting Go
I didn't know this song either, but apparently it's a pretty cool song from Wings. Bluesy.

5. Got To Get You Into My Life
Another moptop song!! I couldn't believe he was playing ones that were that old! And this was a pretty stomping good rendition. I liked his voice alot in it-- the chorus is so whizbang.

6. Highway
One of his new ones from "The Fireman" (one of those weird alter ego projects...). I LOVE this song, actually. I've been listening to it a ton since the concert.

7. Let Me Roll It
Another Wings that I didn't know but which I fell in love with! I think this must be my favorite of Wings, actually. Kinda bluesy again, and really easy to sing along to. I was very lulled at this point.
He ended it with a bit of Foxy Lady on the guitar, which was a surprise and really cool. While he was putting his guitar away and toddling up to the piano, he told us all about how cool Jimi Hendrix was, and a story about the Beatles hanging out with him the week that they released Sgt. Pepper (he played the title song at his own concert as a tribute to them, and then got Eric Clapton from the audience to tune his guitar).

8. The Long And Winding Road
AHHHHHHHHHHH. The minute he sat down at the piano and started playing this I looked at Kate in shock. I couldn't believe he would play this, and so early on in the concert! Something so sad! And I teared up, I admit, but only a bit. It really is the saddest song-- right up there with Fire and Rain, so far as I'm concerned, about someone who can't get past and can't move on. The line that breaks my heart every time is "you left me standing here a long long time ago..."

9. Nineteen Hundred and Eighty Five
Another Wings song I didn't know and began to love. It's pretty epic. Heavy on piano, which I always dig, and his voice is very affected in it, he doesn't sing all high and whatnot.

10. Let ‘Em In
My least favorite song, probably, but still a good performance. It's a pleasant song.

11. My Love
Before he sang this was probably one of my favorite moments of the night: He sat back down at the piano and said very casually "I wrote this next song for Linda..." and everyone burst into applause immediately because we all know who Linda was (Paul McCartney's longtime wife, for whom he wrote all of his lovesongs, who died of breast cancer in the 90's). It was wonderful, not just acknowledging who I believe to have been a nice lady, but knowing that we were all so appreciative. That was a glorious moment of a concert like that-- I am ever so possessive about many of the things that I love, but that concert made me wish that everyone I love could have been there with me, sharing the communal happiness that was floating around.

Anyway, he played this one by Wings, which I wasn't overly familiar with and actually didn't care for at the time (I wish he had played Calico Skies, my favorite love song of probably all time), but it was played lovingly. Later, once I got home I downloaded it and it's really grown on me-- I've been playing it nonstop today and highly reccommend it.

12. I’m Looking Through You
Ahhh!! Another favorite of mine! Especially recently I've been loving this song about disillusionment, the best Paul song on Rubber Soul.

At some point they started playing a song and stopped in order to get the equipment in order, which was precious. "It's live, you see." AHHH PRECIOUS MAN.

13. Two Of Us
!!!!!! Another one I could NOT believe he was playing. An old personal favorite that always reminds me of my best friend (every time we're in the car together we put it on, gesturing at the road at the appropriate moments). It was lovely, and I know it brought tears to Kate's eyes as she phoned her little sister just so she could hear it.

14. Blackbird
The moment he mentioned "Civil rights" I knew he was going to play it, and I was so excited. He played it by himself on his accoustic guitar and he sounded wonderful. You could hear everyone singing along, and when he got to "you were always waiting for this moment to be free" the tears definitely showed up. Might have been my favorite moment of the whole thing-- that song means alot to me right now, in the sense that I feel and have felt trapped for a long time and really long for that beautiful moment, if it ever does come. It also connects me to a time a few years ago, when my friend Jon came back from a vacation to the mountains with his guitar, and that was one of the few songs he could actually play. He used to tote the thing around whenever we'd all go anywhere, and he'd play that song, usually at my friend Amanda and my insistence (and at Josh's toleration). It was just tradition after awhile, and though it was phased out, it does remind me of the rare peaceful moments in that time of my life. Anytime I see Jon with a guitar now I ask him to play it. As McCartney sang it there was a second where I couldn't help but think of my old friends, and how nice it would be if they could be there with me.

15. Here Today
So Paul decided to capitalize on our burgeoning tears by introducing this song, something he wrote after John Lennon was killed, about his old friend, saying all the things that he wished he could have said to him before he died. If you know the Beatle history, this is just especially heartbreaking, and the song itself is so pretty and honest. Around the middle, where Paul sings "I love you," his voice cracked and he just strummed his guitar for a second, still moved by the whole thing. I think everyone cried. At the end of it, he held up his guitar and said "let's hear it for Johnny!"

When he was done, he commented that it was definitely time to cheer up--

16. Dance Tonight
WHAT AN ADORABLE SONG!! Paul hopping about on the mandolin is quite possibly the cutest thing in the world, and this song is tremendously catchy. I looked it up and apparently he wrote it for his little girl who couldn't help but dance when he played the mandolin.

17. Mrs Vandebilt
Another Wings song I didn't know but have since downloaded and very much enjoy. Very sing-along-able.

18. Eleanor Rigby
WOW. THE song that got me hooked on The Beatles and probably saved me from bad music for the rest of my life. Very solid performance.

19. Something
He played almost the identical rendition of what I know from the Concert For George thing, where he started out informing us that George played the ukulele. He then played the whole first part of Something on the uke, then segued into a full-on orchestral version.

20. Sing The Changes
Another Fireman song, apparently the single. I quite like it, though it really reminds me of some song that should be in a children's jungle movie of some kind. Anyway, I like it very much, but it is my opinion that Paul should stay away from lyrics that use the word "wonder" (in the sense of awe. but that's just me).

21. Band On The Run
Yayyyy the Wings song that everyone knew! It was actually really fun to sing along to-- the SAILOR SAM part especially.

22. Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da
I nearly lost my mind when he started playing this!!! I would have never ever guessed that McCartney would play this at a concert, but I suppose he's always been pleased with it. Oh my gosh, what a joy to sing along to. Kate and I were both jumping around and clapping our hands like idiots. He even silenced the band at one point and had the audience sing at him, which is the type of thing that I think makes a concert so great. Singing that song at the top of your lungs... yeah. Nothing beats.

23. Back In The USSR
Coming from the energy of the previous song, this rendition ROCKED. I've always thought it's a fantastic rock 'n roll song and even got excited when the Hush Sound did a cover of it at their concert. To jump around to it being sung by Sir Paul was pretty much amazing.

24. I’ve Got A Feeling
YES another one I wasn't expecting!! I don't know that it's anyone's favorite, but this one has always made me super happy (I prefer Don't Let Me Down, but that's a John/Yoko song). Though Paul still sounds like himself, this song really serves his more mature voice well.

25. Paperback Writer
Yeah, we kept going crazy. This was an especially awesome one in scheme of the concert-- I think it must be a hard song to perform. I go back and forth on this song in general, sometimes I don't care for it at all, but as he was singing it I was thinking, dang. This really is the 60's here. What a weird, fantastic song. I especially love the bass.

26. A Day In The Life / Give Peace A Chance
OK. This was amazing!!!! He talked a bit about Day in the Life, and they played it very nicely with cool lights over the audience, though I have to say without John singing it it really did lack some punch-- but just as I was thinking that, it morphed into Give Peace A Chance. Paul led the crowd with it, then left it up to us to sing, and all of a sudden the whole giving up the chains of society to be a hippie thing started to sound really reasonable. Of all the anti-war, yay peace songs from that era, that song is the one that really does it for me. It's so simple and warm. Anyway, we were all chanting it for god knows how long, tirelessly, looking around at the old lady next to us and the younger, pot-smoking girls behind us, and the whole place in general, all of these people chanting give peace a chance. It was supremely beautiful to think of it, and even more so to think of how long people have been chanting it, tirelessly. Wonderful.

27. Let It Be
And with that, Paul McCartney hopped back on his piano and played my song (mine and everyone else's), the most uplifting song about hope that always fills me with incredible emotion. Tears came to my eyes the minute I heard the first chords, and I became so choked up at one point I couldn't even sing along. I calmed down a bit, finally, and was able to soak in the song while Kate and I tried to get her lighters to work (which they did, but only for a bit). It was beautiful, not just because it IS that song, but because I've been longing to experience just that moment for such a long time. I could have sincerely died then and there.

28. Live And Let Die
Straight from let it be to LIVE AND LET DIE. We all knew it was coming, and it was fabulous. Serious show-stopper. At one point they set off little fire balls onstage, only to be followed by a huge FIREWORKS SHOW once he hit the chorus. Literally, massive fireworks! All over the bay! It was fantastic!!

29. Hey Jude
Just when we thought that was that, he brought out old faithful. I suppose my one grumble about the show would be the handling of this song-- unfortunately the sound was not consistent throughout, and the waves of wind from the bay carried the music away from us occasionally. Nevertheless, it was still great to hear, and the end was crystal clear. At one point during the na-na-na's he stopped playing and got certain sections to sing in comparison with others. And he sang the best part--- hey JUDEY JUDEY JUDEY JUDAAAAY.

30. Day Tripper
Another song that I don't give a good deal of attention to normally, but which really is essential in the rock world and is AWESOME in concert. By this time we were on our feet and really didn't sit down ever again. It took me soooooooo long to find out-- and I found out.

31. Lady Madonna
I've always been fond of this one, and I loved that they found a way to make the weird little kazoo noise.

32. Get Back
TERRIFIC. Again, essential rock music from its SOURCE, man. Good ole Paul. It really hit me while hearing this one that I was seeing a LEGEND. I mean, GET BACK for crying out loud!

Get Back was so great that we really thought that was that, but we clapped hard for his return anyway. And poof, back he came-- some people had even left by then. Stupid people.

Second Encore

33. Yesterday
When he came back out with his guitar, I was honestly thinking "What else could he possibly play?" I then felt very stupid. The most covered song of all time. I have never felt a connection for this song, but I do happen to think it is one of the best ever written (and arranged). It's just so earnest, and the lyrics are so incredibly PRISTINE. I really admire them and his songwriting, especially the line "Why she had to go, I don't know, she wouldn't say-- I said something wrong." Simple and yet so complete.

At this point Paul was all mischievious and asked us if we wanted to keep rockin' and of course we did.

34. Helter Skelter
SHOCK!!!! Of all the songs!! I could not believe he played this. It is such an amazing, HARD ROCKING song, and not a favorite of many that I was simply blown away. Their performance of it was also HARDCORE, and I was so impressed by Paul, freakin' 66 or whatever he is, belting out SEE YOU AGAAAAAAAAAIIIIN and wailing like a rock star. His band is also incredible.

After this Paul told us that they really did have to go, eventually, mostly because we had to go, yes, the audience must go home and sleep (boooo!). but he thanked us, the band, the event people, etc.

35. Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band / The End
Freakin' Sgt. Pepper! What a trip to hear that in a stadium... it was as though the freakin' Beatles were alive and singing in my ear. I couldn't help but think of my dad, and how lovely it would have been if he could have come. He would have loved it-- he loves this song, and also Paperback Writer. Anyway, the other WOW moment was when they segued into THE END. Everyone loves the end because 1) it's epic 2) it winds down Abbey Road and thus the existence of the Beatles-- their "last words" as a unit being "the love you take is equal to the love you make." I also love the end because I used it, quite forcefully, for my highschool graduation slide. It was hard won, and it expressed so much of myself at that point in time. I also listened to it about a gazillion times as I put that thing together, so the song is branded on my mind and in my identity. It was such a fantastic, fitting way of ending the evening, and I could have collapsed from happiness right then.

Later, we made it through the crowd and to our car fairly easily and then back to my aunt's house, which I found impressive considering how damn confusing the highways are around there. I suppose I am getting better at navigating. I capped off the evening with a bit of poundcake that my Aunt left out for us and a nice drink. Kate fell asleep instantly, but I, on my humble air mattress, stayed awake a few minutes to reflect and savor my ringing ears. And now time is passing, it is slipping by me much too quickly, and soon it will be years since I saw Paul McCartney. Funny how that goes.

but we could always sing.

I'm going to recall the concert now, before all is lost. But I will say, firstly, that the people I am renting from are currently housing someone else in their guestroom, and said person has brought along their two yappy dogs. Kim and Melinda have their own two little dogs, but they don't bark much and leave me alone, unless they're lonely and want love. These two new additions, on the other hand, are EVIL. They're either barking all the livelong day or doing hacky gaggy noises at night. Last night I was afraid that some weird creature had gotten in because of the odd noises coming from the kitchen. damnation. This is why I don't like dogs. Stupid animals. I miss my cat. Sometimes I still think she's around-- it's so weird to miss an animal like that. I can't imagine losing a loved human being. That, admittedly, is something I think about when I hear about weddings. For just a brief moment I wonder whether or not it's a really great love, and then I think how sad it will be when they're seperated by death. Yes, I'm a real upper, I am (in my defense, I only think about it for a moment. I chalk it up to my literary upbringing... maybe when you read Bronte you just have to think that way).

Thursday, July 15, 2010

the backstory.

Alright, so. Let me start this off with the little disclaimer that I am an obsessive little person, and yet I know that the Beatles weren't God, and there are more important and enriching people and things to read and dwell upon in this world and throughout its history. Too much attention or importance placed upon anything superficial is dangerous. That said, the Beatles have been a major fascination for me for years, and there's something about music and how it surrounds you and bookmarks parts of one's life that does make it genuinely important. The Beatles were the freaking Beatles, they really did redefine music, and more than that and my personal connection to alot of their songs is the other element that furthers my fascination, that other layer that covers their work: there is a sadness and nostalgia wrapped up in their music now that makes it something it wasn't yet when it was first created. All older music has that, but the songwriting of the Beatles especially holds strong unlike anything I've heard. It was reflective of the time and the time became a reflection of the music. So I guess I have that awareness of history and significance as well as the tie to my own personal feelings and milestones.

The Beatles were the first band that I really loved and researched-- generally speaking, even when I really love an artist I do very little reading about them. I like to listen to the music and that's it. Not so with them. And I didn't come to love them until I was about 12... my mother and I had bought my dad "1" and "Abbey Road" as presents and I didn't care to listen to them because they were dad stuff, just like I grew tired of James Taylor and Cat Stevens because they were mom stuff (of course, I heard much more of those two because mom played them, and they became a part of my childhood. music was not a necessity to my dad so he never played it or pushed his old favorites at me). So anyway, dad had those to listen to in his garage and I never bothered with them until one day for some reason or another I got out "1" to play because I didn't have many cds at that point. Eleanor Rigby was the one that seized me, and after that I skipped out to the library to get Sgt. Pepper because I liked the cover. On that one I instantly gravitated to She's Leaving Home, which I still think is a gorgeous, underrated song. After that I declared that both "1" and "Abbey Road" belonged to me. I was just learning how to download music, so I downloaded "Strawberry Fields Forever" and started indoctrinating my friends with it. I didn't quite win my best friend Emily over until I played her Maxwell's Silver Hammer, which thankfully she appreciated instantly. After that it was all Abbey Road and Sgt. Pepper all the time, until one night, just before we moved away, I was outside on the swing that we had inherited from my grandmother, feeling jumbled up inside and though I was really happy to be moving I was feeling all knotted up about what was going to happen and if I'd ever come back to Texas and what all that meant. That was the time that I was starting to spend alot of time on my own, just thinking and daydreaming and being sad, and that night I was out there with "1" on my clunky portable CD player and Let It Be, a song I had always kinda liked but never loved for any particular reason, came on and I really listened to it, and I remember-- for someone who cried very rarely at that time-- tears came to my eyes, and it was as though God had reached through a piece of rock music from the 60's to tell me everything was going to be alright. I remember looking up at the sky, which was cloudy, and hearing "there is still a light that shines on me" and thinking, my god. Every teenager needs to hear this. There will be an answer, let it be. We will all keep breathing, so long as hope is alive.

From then on I was definitely a fan, and I tend to go through spurts of obsession over certain songs or albums or Beatle anecdotes from time to time. Overall I suppose I like them for their lyrics and their diversity-- I have a theory that no one can really dislike the Beatles, one just has to find the Beatles phase they like (early moptop, early clean and creative, totally psychadellic and theatrical, or rough around the edges and stripped down-- though I suppose Abbey Road is a mix of theatrical and stripped down?). I really like to read about them, especially Paul and John and what inspired their songs. George is ultimately my favorite, he was definitely kind of looked over at the start and then came into his own later on. He worked with alot of other muscians and was very earthy and sincere and spiritual and about the music. He grew into his talent. However, Paul and John were pure geniuses. John had such a mind, evident from a young age. He could have been a member of Monty Python or a writer of any kind. I think his songwriting is the most skilled, his songs are either like pages from a journal or from a Dr. Seuss book. He had a way with wordplay. Only thing was, he hated himself most of the time. Paul, on the other hand, didn't, and was probably the healthier one. He was the most productive, and could have gone solo very easily (he wrote and performed Yesterday by himself). Most of the concepts that made the Beatles groundbreaking were his, and the man could play every instrument. His writing has always been genius too, and though perhaps not as clever as John's, I find that I connect more to his songwriting than to any other. Paul is sentimental and sweet and a bit meloncholy, and John was edgy and clever and his sentiment was there but disguised. Though I love many John creations, the ones of his I like the most are his depressed ones, such as I'm Only Sleeping and Nowhere Man. Though Day in the Life is definitely in the top 5. [And then you have Ringo, who's just precious.....]

ANYWAY. My stupid point was that Paul McCartney's music has long been a very defining part of my life, made even more powerful by my awareness of what his music has meant to others. I read a story about the first time he did drugs, and how he thought he had the answer to life (there are three levels-- though that's actually a misquote, apparently he later thought there were 7. whatever, point was, three levels). Later I had a strange dream in which a friend and I climbed up three levels to the rooftop of a building to see the beatles, each one glowing a different color (George was green, John was blue, Paul was pink, and I THINK Ringo was purple), standing on each edge of the building. They all had newspapers in front of them, and after we had looked at all of them and chatted a bit, my friend was rushing me to go so I made the hasty decision to take Paul's newspaper with me. Afterwards it turned into an Indiana Jones dream with the building collapsing and us narrowly getting away, but I remember hugging Paul's newpaper for dear life. And it was a nice dream.

But now that I have definition-waxed poetic, I will talk about the concert.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

I'm a big fat crybaby. I didn't used to be, then something happened to me. I don't know what it was. Love? A grasp on mortality? A grip on what is truly emotional? I don't know. But one year I got really depressed, and after that every piece of art that I sought out had to be my catharsis, and now I cry all the time when I'm sad, happy, empty, or, most of all, MOVED.

freakin' movies, freakin' makin' me cry all the damn time.

Top Katrina Is A Crybaby Movie-List:

1. In America
This may have been circumstantial, I'm not sure, but the last time I watched this movie was in a classroom setting and I had to keep myself from sobbing. And I had seen it before. Yet... I guess now that I can recognize my family and so many families that I love as having so much in common with the pain and hard work that is on display in this movie I'm just too in touch with their plight. This movie was actually key to understanding something about myself, too, which I don't mind talking about anymore:
The scene that most gets me is towards the end, when the mother is dying and needs a transplant and the little girl steps in to offer her blood. The dad wants to talk to her for a minute, so the doctors leave and he starts talking about how it's a big decision and that everything's going to be okay. She cuts him off, angrily, and tells him to come off it and stop "little girl"ing her, that she's been carrying the family on her back since Frankie died. Though the whole film is super emotional, that scene made me nearly break down. Afterward, my teacher singled out that scene as being the only unbelievable part in the movie. No little girl would talk that way, she said. Maybe not. But lots of little girls wish they could.

2. Toy Story 3. SPOILER. At the end, Andy, who is symbolic of every kid that grew up watching those goddamn movies, gives away all of his precious toys to this little girl who he knows will be good to them. When he gets to the bottom of the box, Woody is there (he meant to take Woody with him to college), by Woody's own choice. When the little girl reaches out to take the cowboy, Andy pulls back, for a minute unwilling to relinquish his childhood, gazing at the toy and understanding his significance. EVERY YOUNG ADULT'S HEART BREAKS, because this is the end of our childhoods too, all encapsulated by this animated college freshman and his old cowboy toy. He says goodbye. Big fat tears.

3. The Royal Tenenbaums. About 5000 scenes in this movie kill me. The ending, once the inscription on the stone is made visible, and Richie's attempted suicide were the first things that pried the well, but since then there are so many scenes that provoke me. Now it's the scene with Margot in the tent after Richie tells her that he wanted to die because of her, but it wasn't her fault, and the part where Chas's son climbs down the ladder to sleep next to him, and the part where Chas tells Henry that he's a widower too ("I know you are, Chas.") But most of all is the bit towards the end, in the marvelous uncut scene moving across the destruction of the wedding and the death of Buckley:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k4MRk_TJZAg (at 04:00):
"Thank you," "You're welcome."
"I've had a rough year, dad--" "I know you have, Chasie."

4. Finding Nemo
I don't even really like this movie. It's cute and all. But I was never a huge fan. Dammit, though, the part where Marlin leaves Dory and gives up and Dory's all alone.... I saw that scene about a year ago at a TV in Sam's Club and I just stood there in the aisle with a trail down my face. I must have looked like the most overgrown lost child.

Dory: No. No, you can't... STOP. Please don't go away. Please? No one's ever stuck with me for so long before. And if you leave... if you leave... I just, I remember things better with you. I do, look. P. Sherman, forty-two... forty-two... I remember it, I do. It's there, I know it is, because when I look at you, I can feel it. And-and I look at you, and I... and I'm home. Please... I don't want that to go away. I don't want to forget.

Marlin: I'm sorry, Dory. But I... do.

5. Passion of the Christ
Most people cite this scene. I used to cry just thinking about it-- it's beautiful and sad not just because of one's connection to Mary's story, but for anyone who understands what it's like to care for someone like a mother does for her child. (Mel Gibson, you is crazy, but you is one talented filmmaker)

6. Darjeeling Limited
One line: "I didn't save mine."

7. Little Miss Sunshine

.... if you are a part of a dysfunctional family, you just get it. there are no words. I don't know that I've ever had a theatre experience where I was laughing and crying so hard at the same time. When I think "Catharthis" this is what I mean.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

a post-script on style....

...though I did just confine myself to Annie-Hallism, I must say... Mad Men is airing a series of their best reruns before the new season starts, and dang it, I still adore the late 50's early 60's style, and everything Joan wears.

I have such a style-crush on this woman. But again, maybe it's the red hair.

Monday, July 5, 2010


Books Read:
Crime and Punishment- Read. Loved. What an astonishingly good book-- I feel so much the better for reading it. More to come on that subject.
The Little Prince- My god. I don't know how many times my heart can swell, explode, and then be pieced back together, but that cycle happens about 15 times every time I read this book.

The Heart is a Lonely Hunter- halfway through
Persuasion- A few pages in.
East of Eden- About a quarter in.
American Psycho- About a 4th to go.
Snows of Kilimanjaro
The Dubliners
May Day (by F. Scott Fitzgerald)
The Diving Bell and the Butterfly- About a 4th to go.
Invitation to a Beheading
(I always read many books at a time)

More from Emily's demands:
Spoon River Anthology- Edgar Lee Masters (Poetry)
-Water for Elephants
-Keeping Faith, Jodie Picoult (I have my doubts about this one)

Essays by Twain:
Advice to Youth
Sea of Galilee
The Pilgrim's Landing on Plymouth Rock

Paid off what I've been behind in for the Sallie Mae loan, but still way behind on credit debt. Job is stalled, so I am making no money. Resubmitted my resume to BB, will be commencing with training for PCS finally, as well as calling Blockbuster back and continuing to look for other jobs so that I will not have to stay at PCS for long (I've come to the conclusion that I'm too emotionally fragile right now (much as I hate to admit it) to be working with someone like this client I have been assigned to). I have no rent money for the first time, which is, uh, bad?

Spiritual Life: I've been getting a bit more in-touch and a little less delusional about the reality of it. I go through distant phases when I seem to think that it'll all take care of itself and that my participation in life and in the spiritual world (my relationship with Christ and my pursuit of Truth) will come together without action from me. This is wrong, and beyond than that I need direction now, more than ever before.

Films finished:
Bernie 2
Buckeye Jim

Mostly satisfied with both.

Shorts yet to be made:
The Autographist, Rhymes with Orange, Black River, Hadley
This are the major ones. They are all longer and contain dialogue, which I will have to have nice sound for, various settings, and decent camera operation. In short, they are more refined projects that require proper planning. I want a bit more practice first.

Short-shorts (eheh) yet to be made:
Ghostly: story about a girl who almost becomes a ghost
The Artist: story about a creator
Alice Noir: a series of short(!) bits of Alice-In-Wonderland through a noir lens. Some funny, some creepy, some tragic, all coming together to form a semi-coherent story.
Western stuff: I'd like to film a few short scenes from feature scripts that I've written. I have some very solid monlogues and short scenes that I would like to have on video.

I've written two short stories and a film short, nothing special, but I'm starting to work on my New York novella again and I've reassessed two of my full length scripts. My goal for the week is to polish off my thesis script and make it as perfect as I can get it so that I can start considering solicitations and stalking Clint Eastwood (because I know as soon as he reads it he will want to make it his next project (ala Gran Torino), his Last Western (ala Unforgiven)). I also want to get back to submitting some of my stories to publications every week.

Baaaaah. I haven't been eating very much because I haven't very much. I sneak off what I can from the kitchen, but none of it is very healthy. I ran for a few days but stopped. Buuuut I have had the bright idea to borrow a bike, so perhaps that will kickstart something and at least make it easier to get out and get pumping. I really want to start good habits. When I start to get some kind of money, then I can put together some type of eating plan. As of now, it's take what you can get.

I've been thinking about my style lately. Funny thing-- I have always had a certain style. There is a shabby chic, purposefully disheveled look that I have long been able to pull off. It's not the style that I want, necessarily, but it is what I can make work. There are times when I've slipped away from the chic and just wallowed in shabby, but chic can still happen. Anyway, I was thinking about that and about how I would like to perfect it and understand it better-- make better choices when shopping etc (when I do shop-- IE no time soon, but eventually... before I go to New York and Spain). And I realized.... hum. All this time I've been working on the Annie Hall look and I never knew it. Conservative, frumpy, scarves, trousers, dresses over pants, vests, coats, jackets and occasionally ties-- egad. How nice. I suppose I have something to work towards now.

Friday, July 2, 2010

there will be an answer.

terribly, blanket-over-the-head, cannot-do-anything-including-taking-out-the-trash, self-loathing-and-hyper-aware-of-profound-loneliness, sleep-all-night-and-10-hours-a-day depressed. cyclical. will get better. hate everything. hate self. hate world. frustration because i don't actually hate world. annoyance because maybe, in the slightly paraphrased words of Oscar, "You don't HATE you, you LOVE you! You think no one else has problems LIKE you!!" which, in the end makes me hate me all the more. terribly, deeply isolated in a way that is familiar but is becoming progressively more intense. need to dig tunnel in order to escape.

but at points all that melts away-- and right now is actually one of those points, thanks to this:

the old fallback. i would be literally dead were it not for this funny, rough and sentimental album, and that song, oh that song that belongs to everyone but feels designated for only only only this girl.

"and when the night is cloudy, there is still a Light that shines on me-- shine until tomorrow, let it be."

that part always gets me.