Sunday, December 7, 2008

Thursday, December 4, 2008

you cut me down to size.

Hard-drive wiped. All fledgling stories, newish pictures, and some screenwriting GONE.

It's finals week. I cannot eat right. I am gaining. My grades for certain classes for once in my life may not be so good. I am so disapointed in myself.
Birthday. Pack. Accept offerings and sacrifices from the professors and student body. Make them bow to me.
Have cake. Maybe a cosmopolitan.

I'm not looking forward to my birthday this year. Well, it's been like this the past three years. I think after 25 I'm going to stop acknowledging it. It's cause for more depression than joy, and on top of that very little celebration can top what I've already had.

i am so frustrated with life.
so frustrated with me.

Thanksgiving was mostly fun. Saturday was bad. I can appreciate Maureen's boyfriend as my own friend, now, though, so at least something good came out of it. i shall write a story about it one day.

I'm really liking Raymond Carver's stories right now. I think I'll go and read them now. That will be nice.

Friday, November 21, 2008

One eye was made of a pinwheel. Not a spinning toy that protruded out from his face, of course, but rather a tiny spinning wheel inserted into the eye-shaped socket.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

it's a motherfucker

"living here without you"

i just started listening  to that and all sad thoughts of last year came dancing back to taunt me. i remember dragging myself across the patch of grass to the theater building by myself, headphones on, listening to that song, feeling like such a massive fuckup, praying that i wouldn't have to see anyone i knew and just feeling like i was about to cry myself into oblivion all the time. 


new song.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

i am thinking

About Lambert the Sheepish Lion

Stories I Want to Finish Someday:

1) Story about the Whales.
In a little fable office somewhere in California, the entire floor of office employees decide to use their off-time on the same day in order to go see two dying, beached whales nearby. They have a picnic.

2) Story about Dentist
Girl goes to new dentist after her family goes on medicare. Dentist sucks. Dentist attacks teeth with great vigor, girl cries.

3) Dory
Memory about going to Dory's classroom.

4) Funeral Home
Girl works in funeral home since age 15 with close male friend. Male friend's friend comes to work there too, but the home is outdated and suffering from competition from other more hip homes. As the Funeral Home struggles to stay alive (haha) Girl ponders romantic interests.

5) Story about Election Day.
Young, pro-VOTE activist college student loses her virginity on election day and forgets to vote.

6) Story about Heath Ledger

7) Drunk Dial Story
Girl drunk dials her old friend while waiting for her sober ride at a party. Through dialogue only, she asks him why he never reciprocated her feelings

8) Girl labors over the idea of a Self-Portrait

9) Cat Story
Guy's room-mate kills himself. Guy is left with room-mate's cat, whom he hates but cannot just purge from the apartment. They become semi friends.

10) Owl Fable
To fit my owl drawing.

11) Elephant Fable

12) Story form of Cowboy movie

13) story form of Jackson Hole movie

14) Wine- functional family downs glass of wine over an evening

15) Joel- making friends with friend's significant other

16) the date- boy gets paired with unattractive girl while his attractive girl-friend is attracted to the fourth member of their party.

17) Black nail polish rebellion

18) downtown Ventura- Nell & guy with nose

19) super hero living in a vent.

apples survey
moving day christmas sea of boxes, first snowman on tiny car
man opening pornography box to find crazed cat
marianna talking about gustavo
stopping car in middle of beautiful road to breathe in
getting liscence and crying
the appeal of owls

Thursday, November 13, 2008

so... tired

Sooo. Up all night basically, studying-ish for a test that I'm too distracted to do really well on (how promising). I have much to do. But I am feeling very positive and dedicated this week. By Thanksgiving I should feel semi accomplished. Here's hoping.

I still have quite the problem getting to class. And it seems I may have encountered my first writer's block in a lonnnng time in regards to my short for screenwriting tonight. Not sure what to do about that. I'll work around it.

I just have so much to do and so little organizational skills. But I'ma tryin'.

Here's the exciting bit, and what I was feeling motivated about today-- registration, weee!

I have a minor, and it's name is, of all things, theology. For real.
I was going to go for German but my advisor said maybe not such a good idea as it's been so long, I'd have to take 5 courses rather than 4, and many of them are not offered at good times. Sooo. theology just worked out well. And moreso-- one of the classes offered is on Dante's Inferno. I am so very psyched. And weirded out by my psychedness?

Anyway, also, taking theology as a minor is allowing me more room to take other electives- mostly theatre and conversational german. I'm happy about that. I want to get back to German and I want to conquer it. And then I want to learn French. And then I can rest for some tea. Theatre is just something I miss.

To do:
Cake concert on Saturday. Buy ticket for said concert.
Jon's play next week. Buy ticket for said play.
Send bill & call to cancel card
Send card to parents
Take poor dead computer (yes, more on that one day) to IT guys.
Email supervisor dude

Get started on Theology Paper (women)
Get started on Lit presentation
Finish Second Act of Jackson Hole script
Read/Skim Reading Lolita In Tehran-- basically the only interesting book we 've touched in class.

Enter American Short fiction. And that one on craigslist.

That I may love the right way, the way they need to be loved.
That I may do the right thing.

To catch one up, I must briefly speak on things that occurred one or two weeks ago-- I don't really remember when, but--

Monday Night- The film department offers us filmees a special, free screening of certain movies, often accompanied by Q&A from someone involved in the filmmaking. We get to watch the movies in the theatre here and tis a lovely thing. Anyway, my first experience was REPO! THE GENETIC OPERA. Which was definitely an experience. I was pretty much grossed out by the whole thing and felt pretty ick sitting through alot of it, but that said it definitely had its moments, I was impressed by the cast, and I really, really liked the music alot. The best part, however, was observing the Q&A with the writers, producer and director. They had a great sense of humor and are very passionate about their project baby. That made me happy. And almost forget how ick the movie was. Anthony Stewart Head, though, woo. Very cool man.

Tuesday Night- yeah, nothing happened. I drank a milkshake and fell asleep in the study room. My RA finds me a strange person.

Wednesday- I was invited randomly by this girl in my Survey of Mass Media Class to go to a taping of Ellen, so we took off to Burbank for that. We waited for about ever, and only got into the riff-raff room, but as a result we got guaranteed tickets for January (our pick), and the season 2 DVDs for Heroes. And the people there are very upbeat and fun, so it was a pleasant experience.

Thursday- amazing. A theatre kid here, Sam, passed away (not sure the details) this time last year, and his friends organized a memorial concert for him this year. Sam was a Beatles fan so they played all- Beatles songs. I was very curious about it at first, and was quite dissapointed by what I first heard- many amateurs who apparently just learned how to play the piano or guitar struggling through The Long and Winding Road or Across the Universe (whyyyyy), orrrr dudes who just flat-out cannot sing to save their lives crucifying Lady Madonna and I Am The Walrus (Lennon cries). After that, though, the acts got better and better. Some sang Because in three-part harmony, a fellow played Goodnight on the piano. An amazing band did the ENTIRE MEDLEY at the end of Abbey Road (from You Never Give Me Your Money all the way to Her Majesty!!).. and they were amazing. Another band played all of George's, including Gently Weeps with GREAT success. It all wound down with the whole group singing Hey Jude and us, the audience, singing as loud as we could and clapping right along to the endless refrain- and even after that we sang All you need is Love. That was terrific. It was all outdoors with slight but funky lights and quite a few people sprawled on the grass. It made me fall in love with that music all over again and made me feel like perhaps I had stepped through time for a few hours. Yeah. It made me feel happy to be here.

All of that happiness is of course encased in a yo-yo that dives where it may, but I'm getting a grip on it. We're gonna be okay, she loves you yeah yeah yeah.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008


i just want to be a good person, but i want to be a normal person, too. i want to be wanted just as much as anybody else.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Strange Day

There is definitely change in the air. It's refreshing, enchanting, but also dark and terrifying.

Today is/was election day. For all the buildup and hype and as much as I've always valued the voting process as a duty and a privelage, I had actually forgotten about it over the weekend. The frenzy over Obama and McCain took its toll on me much like the massive amounts of candy I consumed over the past three days- it's all really too much. When you become saturated in something, when you listen to the same song over and over hour after hour you become sick of it or sick in general.

I dislike both candidates. I have from the beginning, even though I'll admit Obama is alluring in a sense. People might call me a one-issue voter, as I am strongly pro-life and drawn to any decisions being made on that issue, but I'd like to think I'm more intelligent than just that. I have my reasons for making the choice I did in at the (packed) polling place this afternoon. I am a registered Independent, and I voted for a Republican. This will not make much difference at all this time around, but it puts my concious at rest. I made an educated decision and one I feel correct about morally. Anyway, that was a rabbit trail: my original point was, I am not behind a single candidate this time around. While I don't think McCain is bland, he is not strong. While I don't think he will be more of the same in any sense, he will not provide change. He will not energize our country. But I think he would have protected it. And I think he understands it, and he's unafraid to get his hands dirty. Still, I would compare him to the unexciting democrat, Kerry, of the 04 election. He is not sensational, or interesting, he makes no remarkable promises. He will be forgotten quickly. What is Kerry even doing these days? Ok, another rabbit trail, back to the point that I'm trying to make: the red and blue parties have destroyed politics and divided our country. Their mudslinging is ridiculous and grows more so the further left or right you get. Their power has risen to unbelievable levels, their spending in tow. They have each become about image, and as much as the liberals would deny it, no one paints outside of the lines. As far as I can tell, folks have been under the impression that what's going to happen is going to happen regardless, and that the power of the two parties is too great to stray into more independent territory. Americans have been chosing the lesser of two evils for as long as they can remember (except for Christians involved in Bush's initial election, or for some of the liberals dedicated to Obama this time around--- clearly, in their eyes, their respective heroes are saviors, come to transform America). Passion, for the most part, has vanished. Independent thought has vanished in the shadow of fear. What about the other candidates this time around? Were you even aware of the other candidates? Nader, hiding in the backseat as per every year in memory? Anyone else? How come every issue falls under a blue/red umbrella? We're scared! I know at least on the republican side most people seem to be saying "Well, McCain kinda sucks, I mean, he's OK, but he's not Obama, soooo..." and folk who are wary of Obama are casting their vote for him because of one issue or two that they feel is important. I'm not one to judge, I'm doing the same thing. But come ON folks, if that's the case we're in a sad state. As Dominic said to me recently in regards to the debates, "if these two men are the best of the best, handpicked by their parties as the BEST in all of AMERICA to lead us ALL--- then we are living a tragedy. We need something radical, some incredible change. We need to take some of this tremendous power away from the donkey and the elephant (and where there's power, btw, there is ALWAYS corruption), we need a third party, we need to move on from all that is outdated and make every single person's vote count. We need new campaign methods, we need honesty.

This sentiment isn't worth much at the moment- as I said, I did my duty, I cast a vote for the red, I got a sticker and I'll be quiet but respectful when everyone's partying in the name of O-bam- and furthermore I will be respectful of his person and his office- but I will be praying and looking and acting (if i can) for REAL change, for REAL hope, for all those things that Obama's reign claims to offer but which I fear will not come to pass until we the people do something. I just want to know what that something is.

Friday, October 31, 2008


you don't have to be beautiful if you're brilliant enough.

better get on that.

Monday, October 20, 2008

I finished!

I finished my Western Purgatory Short!!! In one weekend. How fabulous is that? Obviously, it's just the first draft, but the majority of it is done and dealt with.

I don't find it brilliant, but I think it's fairly significant. Woooooo. DONEDONEDONE.

This makes 3 short films written, one feature, and another short on its way! Happy day, happy happy.

Friday, October 17, 2008


I can’t say there’s been much excitement here, but I continue to grow and try and fail and try again. It seems to be the way things are always for me, and that’s alright, so long as there’s some sort of inching forwards. I suppose it’s going to simply be slower for me than the rest. I want to be OK with that, but it just simply doesn’t sound wonderful at this moment.

Maureen came to see me a few weeks ago. We had the best day I’ve enjoyed in a long time. I’m attempting to write a short story on the subject, in fact.

Midterms are mostly done, for the classes in which I have them. I did spectacularly in my screenwriting class (figures), and probably decently in the Westerns class as well. Theology is becoming a major issue- first of all I misread the syllabus, which led to a late paper, but on top of this my teacher is now telling me that she has no record of my taking of the first two quizzes we’ve had in class. This is BS as I KNOW I took those quizzes. Unfortunately I have missed a few classes, but definitely not that many. I have major concerns for my grade at this time… but I’m thinking the struggle is perhaps not coincidental. Tis a THEOLOGY class, after all, one in which I read and learn a lot from scripture, and I don’t suppose that anything can really undo my personal progress, but everything can be against me, otherwise. Anyway. I am praying about that. Survey of Mass Media is picking up… we are studying motion picture history at the moment and it’s chock-full of stuff that I already know. Basically I could have taught the class over the past three weeks… unfortunately the class is all lecture and completely restricts me from showing off. Alright. I suppose that’s a good thing. When one raises one’s hand simply to mention that a demonstration of the propaganda film at its peak was Triumph of the Will, directed by a woman, one is probably guaranteed to be at odds in the friend department.
I saw Neil Gaiman at his spectacular reading for his newest book, The Graveyard Book (which I also just finished… it’s not bad, but it’s not my preferred Gaiman style). He was amazing, exactly the kind of person I always pictured him as- incredibly witty, insightful, and of course British. Honestly, his off-the-cuff humor was so satisfying I felt light as a cloud for the whole night and took total delight in his readings. He read for a good 45 minutes, I think, and made his already witty literature about 10 times funnier (the man’s creativity blows my mind). When he was done with that he showed us clips from that Coraline movie (meh… but cool that we got a first viewing), and answered questions from the audience that we had written out and turned in beforehand (he didn’t get to mine… but it wasn’t that original anyhow). He chitchatted a bit about his beekeeping business, and future projects (he said he plans at least two more American Gods books, ANOTHERRRR NEVERRRWHERRRRE!!!!, and “at least” another Stardust story). He mentioned he was “intrigued but fundamentall worried” about the Watchmen movie, pleased with the internet because young people seemed to use it as a tool to further their writing (amen), said that it is his joy to write in a gazebo, that one year his daughter Maddy dressed up as her father for Halloween, and made a remark that the cold in Minnesota is the stuff that science fiction is made of. He ended the event with a reading of one of his more obscure works that has recently resurfaced- Prayer for a Blueberry Girl, written for Tori Amos’s daughter before she was born. He was lovely, it was all lovely, and I’m glad I went.

One night here we had a comedian, that dude that does The Soup on E!, come and do his act. McHale I believe his name is. Anyway, he was surprisingly hilarious and a nice diversion from life.

Last week or so Ariel and I were sitting in our room, at our respective desks, working on our HW until rather late, 2ish. At one point Ariel’s friend came in and they were chitchatting while she worked, so I just put my big headphones on and listened to that horrible MIA song (which, yes, I’m liking) over and over until, to my startlement, I heard a male voice in our room. I turn around and there’s this bum-weirdo dude who lives on our floor just… in our room. I do not know how he got there. I swear. Anyway, turned out he was in my screenwriting class (Which I only vaguely remembered when he mentioned it), and once I took off my headphones to say a bewildered “hi” he looked at me with this lazy, mocking expression and asked me about stuff for our midterm. Obviously he didn’t care about the midterm, though, or anything. He is also in Ariel’s class. But he wasn’t there to study. His presence just really creeped me out in general- as it was 2, our door wasn’t open, and we were both in our freaking pj’s, thank you, so I was really put on edge by the whole experience. And ever since I have not stopped seeing this guy around. He is everyfreakingwhere, and now he sits RIGHT NEXT TO ME in my screenwriting class and WATCHES me. He knows he bothers me is the thing. Ugh. I hate his face. On the upside I did compose some nice doodles last class as I was avoiding said face.

Actually, after class last night I did have a great time- the tiny asians and Marlena and I were all supposed to go out, but that fell through, so Marlena and I just hung out at Iggy’s and ate bad food. I felt bad about the food, but the conversation was really rich and enthusiastic and I really appreciate the friendship that we’re growing into. It’s odd how we’re not alike at all but in other ways totally similar- it makes me wonder if we’re all like that, if I just simply found a revoltionary way to get to know everyone if I would find how much I could connect to them… naah. But it’s a nice thought.

Right now we’ve got this three-day weekend thing going on, which is nice for everyone but me as I am staying put. I’m trying desperately to get some things done for myself but I can’t seem to do it. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me all the time… if I’m not depressed I’m anxious, I’m always messy, and I can’t seem to do what I need to do! I’m going to drive myself completely insane one day.

“Run from crazy snake man, they’ll shout!”

Alright. I have nothing insightful to say, I’m just too stressed by my lack of perspective at the moment. I did hatch a brilliant idea last weekend for a short film- a Western Surrealist Film. All caps. J It’s about purgatory and purpose (and purposelessness, while we’re at it), and I’m very into it at the moment. That is all.

Speaking of purpose, I’m going to watch the rest of Memento now and not feel bad for myself. At all.

Monday, September 29, 2008

You're not allowed to be cagey around me.

Am I cagey?

Tomorrow begins my intense fitness program. I am unprepared as I have spent most of the day massively regretfully overeating and driving and not studying at all.

It was great to see Josh. I brought him a cake and presents and we talked for a few hours. Every time I see him at first I have doubts that I can be sincere with him, but usually at least some true part of me comes out when we relate. Most of the time though I just feel like he's needing something desperately and whatever it is I'm not the one that can give it to him. I'm rooting for him to get a girl, but I think even then he will have his inconsolable moments. I want him to be happy. I don't want him to keep himself down, like I do to myself. I think that's one thing we have in common- it's more and more obvious these days. He's still such a guy though. I cut and served the cake, packed it up, put it in the fridge, cleared the table and washed up without him moving. Not that he should have to on one's birthday, but his total lack of concern in hindsight is hilarious.

Had some random scraps of life recently that I'd like to incorporate into something--

bed sharing- ending with empty bed.
3:30 AM I see you....
3:00AM sweat
2:45AM arm against face. cannot feel arm.
2:30AM go to sleep go to sleep now
2:15 oh god I need to pass gas.
2AM rotating motion
5AM "stop it stop it make it stop!"

"Why are you going that way, we're going this way."
"No... I'm actually going back to my car."
"I know."
"Did you?"
"Being cagey. That's not right. You're not allowed to be cagey around me."
Call me sentimental and all that hogwash, but it's nice to be able to take comfort in knowing someone.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Oh, September!

I am not a blog person, or a journal person. I think my stance against these therepeutic devices is actually to my detriment, however, and it's only too often that I go hours contemplating to myself a peculiar thought, story, or event that has happened at some point in the day. I should have started this thing a long time ago, or at least at the very start of the semester so I could have documented my orientation with this University Life, but better late than never. A blog will also serve my memory, which is poor, and help me keep track of writing ideas and poetry and random sayings that I try to jot down in my school notebook but which seem to lose their humor and punch about a week later when I finally re-read them. This blog isn't for anyone but me, but it's not private. I think I'm a pretty honest person so in the end I do not care who happens to read this, but on the other hand I'm not going to publicize it because then I am essentially aware of other's attention and I will become paranoid that every entry is for someone else's benefit. This is not the case. This is for me.

Last Tuesday I went to a Fleet Foxes concert and wore my first official pair of earrings (aside from the pair my ears were pierced with). The concert was beautiful and otherwordly- as if I'd stepped into an entirely different part of the country in an older time. Of course the Fleet Foxes have that sound, but it was more than that. It was a feeling and a mood- interesting too, because it was drastically different from the DeVotchka concert I went to a week before. The Fleet Foxes bantered and chatted onstage and interacted with the audience, while DeVotchka seemed to feel as though we didn't even exist (which was fine too... interaction might've taken us all out of the moment). Then again, Devotchka had whistling and a tuba with christmas lights on it. I'm lucky to be in LA, aren't I?

Anyway, Jon came to both said concerts with his New Possibility, a very artsy girl, and his new gang, which made things kind of stiff... strange. Although they were all perfectly nice people I find myself facing the same exhaustion I seem to have to deal with everywhere. There is no earnest familiarity or relatability. We all feel as though we should be as nice and friendly and funny as we can to each other so we smile too widely and throw each other bones (or rather they throw me bones because they sense my exhaustion. which makes me hyperaware, which makes the entire situation miserable) and pretend that we get what each other happens to say. Sadly, this is the way one makes friends. Usually, the facade fades and you begin to understand each other on a very REAL level, making the initial stages worthwhile, and I guess I have to accept that. With everyone. The fact is I just don't want to do that anymore. If we have nothing to talk about, if I find myself smiling vaguely at everything you say or just asking you endless questions about yourself without feeling comfortable talking about anything that relates to me, then ding ding ding. Next. I don't want to work hard at this any longer. I did that too much in Denton, in Ventura, here. I just refuse to do it anymore. I'm too self concious and too tired. I miss my friends- I worked hard enough for their friendship, I shouldn't have to let them go and seek foriegn shores.

But I suppose we all must.

Maybe I am too lazy.

Anyway, the bright spot of this event is that I least discovered that there are people in my vacinity who do like decent music. Of course they're all very hip but I will so take that over interests like Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers and whoever does that song "you can have what-eva you lyke". Ohh and Disturbia. Perfectly tolerable song intially, then came the replay button. Plus I question any music that is inspired by a Shia LeBouf movie. Unless it's Transformers. I'd listen to that.

You know what the best part of the concert night was, though? The first night, that is, DeVotchka. When we all parted ways- the three of us, Jon with his New Possibility and me by myself- I sat in my car for awhile and watched them go- NP with her handmade headband of feathers and her French shawl and Jon with his new hip ways- and felt panicked and sad. It was a great realization, though, as I thought there, when I understood that she being his NP (though as the night wore on I began to detect that she was much more interested in her, and his interest seems to be chiefly curosity... but then the boy has grown weary, I can tell, so one never knows.. point is:) in no way made me sad. A year ago it would have crushed me. Now, sure, it makes me sad in a distant way if I think about it too long- she's got most of the qualities that I don't, and how is that fair and why couldn't I have been like that and bla bla, and it intensifies the feeling that everyone is going to move on in their lives and pair off but me (something I'm fairly sure of and don't have that much of a problem with)- but it doesn't make me jealous or tragic. It makes me happy for them. I told Jon what seems like ages ago on my driveway, before all hell broke lose, that when he found someone I'd be so happy for her. And so I shall. And that's a reassuring feeling- I can be a good friend after all.

I'm thinking of a theology minor.

Or German, though that's probably a bad idea.

Josh's birthday is tomorrow. I don't know what to get him. Maybe a Bible. Hahaha. I think I'm going to go to Vons and get him a cake and stop by Toys R Us to get him some WallE stuff, just to be cute.

Filming on that spoof show ended for me yesterday. Again, felt dreadfully self-concious the entire time but the director seemed pretty pleased with what I did for the character so that was fairly encouraging. It did make me all the more disapointed that I didn't get a part in the Rabbit Hole, however.

A kid who plays the nerd on the show who shall remain nameless because at the moment I can't particularly remember his name, has formed an attachment to me. Alright, this is fine, he's a really funny little freshman who knows he's a geek and goes with it, and I'd like hanging out with him from time to time, but alas he is very socially weird and clingy. And, like any other "guy" who's ever been interested in me the source of his interest is obvious: I am safe. I'm not some hot girl that's going to turn him down. I'm not a first choice, clearly, but I will do for the desperate. First of all, kids, don't think so little of yourself. If you find someone truly attractive, don't put them on a pedestal out of your league. If Candi with an I is the coolest girl around, go for her and don't "settle" for girls like me. Secondly, I will never be someone's alternative or fallback or safety school. Sue me. If you want me then Candi with an I isn't even in the picture.

It's situations like this that are going to make me a grouchy old hag.

On the upside, again, Marlena and her boyfriend and I went to go see Burn After Reading last night and I loved it. It's not really a movie I think anyone can really connect to or praise to the sky, and I believe the entire point of it is life is a clusterfuck. Wee. Wen, M's boyfriend, argued that the entire point of the movie was just to fuck with you, but I know the Coens don't necessarily operate that way. Of course they wanna mess with you at every turn and boy do they, but I can't think of a movie of theirs that didn't have some deeper theme or subtext. Have I mentioned I love character actors? I do.

Ah this felt good.