Life is a strange thing, and as much as I think I'm in touch of it most of the time I am beginning to wonder if I really am at all. Oh, no, another layer to life that must be peeled away.
Such discoveries always lead me to question my own sanity, but after reading some Hamlet tonight I have decided against going down that road- I am too tired. For now it's tipping my toes into the notion of a dual understanding- perception and fact, self perception/image and self actualization. The world is vast, but the mind even more so.
So tonight, I put away these thoughts and concentrate on my pride at being creative, at being quite a powerfully creative person. It will be a shame if I cannot overcome myself and make something of this power-- I am starting to see it for what it is, and if it can only get out- if it only has enough time and memory to be let out- then it would build itself (and then comes the problem of introducing it to a public, but no matter, perhaps it will introduce itself too.. perhaps it will walk and talk by its own little self!).
Also, I have thought of setting aside a separate blog where i will write only about film and books and television and music and stuff. but then i thought, meh. why not write about it here, start keeping things in one place for once?
Books I am reading: The Journals of Sylvia Plath (! Remarkable, strangely helpful and encouraging, a new favorite, more on everything I love about it soon; but as I said a few entries ago I strongly identify with Plath and women like her, and I hope and probably incorrectly interpret that the meaning behind that feeling is my own brilliance), All Men Are Mortal (strange, interesting writer that Simone. It's existential and so far I like it very much, though the beginning feels superior to the rest of it. funny anecdote on that + mechanic someday soon), Mere Christianity (still, I know, though I shall mention a bit he wrote about Faith that I find very encouraging), and a few other things. But those are the ones I'm determined to finish.
Films I have seen recently: Public Enemies (i'm christian bale wah wah i enjoy NOTHING), in which I mostly enjoyed the gunfire and the romance between Depp and the French woman who happens to have a lovely name that I would hate to misspell. Yes, wildly romantic story tucked inside of an infamous legend, and I have to admit I loved it, as the filmmakers knew I would. It was strangely sincere, passionate, and surreal as it did not function in the real world but rather in the movie world that Dillinger had mapped out for them (they don't particularly touch on it in P.E. (ehe) but D was verrry much into the flims and undoubtedly got many of his best lines from the screen...) It gave me a strange ache, to be honest. But then again I detest such honesty--
anyway: Desperate Hours (one of Bogie's last, and I have been so fascinated by the man and his persona lately... what an interesting character! i must read his biographies), Face in the Crowd (creepy masterpiece, unbelievably ahead of its time, if i were a film teacher i would demand my pupils study it), Stop-Loss (frightening also, i did not know about stop-loss, nor do i know much of the military in general: should change that), In Cold Blood, Basic Instinct (regrettably... wow, softcore much??), The Muse (dull but clever, rather what I needed I suppose... oh god, though, two Sharon Stone movies in one day??), The Beguiled (really interesting! i loved the ending, and i loved Eastwood ALOT. first time i have seen him play a character quite like that... almost a villian, almost), and Confessions of a Super Hero (highly recommended. i LOVE docs that explore character and counter-culture... the nooks and crannies of the US are just full of interesting stories). Last week I saw The Fall, which is my new favorite [OH MY GOODNESS just as i was typing "new favorite" the very phrase "new favorite" was sung in a random song on pandora.com!!! what does that mean? i am befuddled!! the song is apparently new favorite by allison krauss. i must look up the lyrics now, though they do not sound divinely applicable right now, as one would hope]. Anyway, yes, the Fall, beautifully poetic. And Confessions of a Shopaholic, which had a scene featuring one of my directors last semester, Jim Holmes. Worth it just for that-- though, silly as the movie was, I found it endearing for its timeliness.
Tonight, because I spent the whole day dragging about I have been struck with that guilty creative impulse. COMMIT TO RECOMMIT!!!! LET THAT BE YOUR MANTRA! You will always have bad days, probably more than others, because you are depressed, and you have gotten weak, and you have allowed the tricky devil into your head and your hollow bones and I wish I could say no more but it will be a steady process-- this we can do, we can do it, we can make a life. BOTTOM LINE: this life must change. THIS LIFE MUST CHANGE!! Please God, through You, let me change it. Through writing, change it for me.
A rant and a prayer and 50 film reviews later, i bid you adieu.