Tuesday, September 1, 2009

happy 50th blog.

aimless. no, not that, pretty productive, relatively. but i'm stalling. why am i so resistant? damn.

pondering standards, how i see people. will i become like my parents, will i stop trying to understand them and take them as is? i hope not, or maybe i hope so.

yesterday, and during points of today i have had the strangest sense of homesickness. strange. ventura must be home, i don't feel homesick there. but i do feel restless. maybe the restless feeling is just because i am young and clueless and haven't done or seen anything, or found what i'm looking for. maybe that's just natural, maybe that's just what CS Lewis is talking about on the subject of Faith in Mere Christianity. I wish I were more intelligent in regards to my own feelings sometimes. I see some people here, giving in to every whim and backpeddling at every moment, and I'm not like that. But it seems that with every altering of emotion I'm thrown into a turmoil. Anyway, point being I think my most significant comfort right now is knowing that Ventura is home. Ventura is home. And it's alright to feel homesick for it, even if it is unstable.

Though homesickness is never nice. Right now I feel strangely urgently needy, like I need a hug, someone to sit with me, someone to be with me NOW, but I don't want to be with or close to anyone. In fact I'm avoiding it, for the most part.

Going to the school shrink tomorrow. Probably not Christian, which would be my desire, but free, which is my joy.

I want to see Taking Woodstock. AND the Time Traveler's Wife. Suck it (I'm already talking like my room-mate. scary.)

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