Saturday, January 23, 2010

but slowly, slowly!

That's the quote i keep hearing in my head as i try to build myself back up and pull it together. nothing is going to happen overnight, but change must occur. it must. i have been productive so far- not as much as i'd like to be, as i determine i must be late at night or when i wake up in the morning, but still. i'm making progress. i'm applying for jobs and internships and reading like mad, i'm writing somewhat, i'm spouting ideas, i'm not wallowing in loneliness. i'm not psyched to be back but i don't feel wretched and desperately lonely as i have at the start of semesters past. this is partially because i have decided that i don't care, that i have no expectations from the people of this school, and only, really, of myself. the other part is that i have lessened- well, maybe not lessened, perhaps more like brought into a realistic light- my own load, my own demands of myself. things will change, the snail will climb mount fiji, but slowly, slowly! these are decisions i made over break, and they are good ones for me. i came back to school with thoughts of "yes, it's time to do things. it's time to work. and that will feel good." also, i will be done, done with school by May 8th (O fateful day)... so perhaps that's the only reason. i like to think not, however.

here are things i am thinking for my future as of tonight:
this summer: work in ventura while job searching elsewhere; mainly LA and NYC
fall: move to NYC. work in NYC. if no job in NYC, then a trip to NYC is in order. continue to work.
spring: continue job in nyc or in la.
summer 2011: leave for europe. travel. work. whatever.
fall: grad school in europe.
while in europe, travel. see everything. run away. once done running, come back to ventura. get job in la. travel someplace ridiculous every year. write screenplays. write stories. write books. make movies. maybe fall in love, maybe not.
probably not.

By 26 or 27 I should be back in Ventura after gallavanting, unless I decide to stay someplace along the way. Yes.

In the meantime, work hard. Pay off debt. Lose weight. Write, write, write. Go to concerts, read, learn music, work on languages, grow hair out, take care of self, become better organized, take every trip that I may take in good conscience. I want to live and make up for the life that I've unwittingly wasted, either due to my father, my sister, my mom, my financial situation, my appearance, my silly unrequited heart, my own self-imposed boundaries. I realized recently that my father is a fearful man and has made me think that that sort of life is the norm. It is not. I will form myself into an adventurer, I will shake the dust from this town from me. Of course, I will revel in it again as well, I will set up shop and like it. But only after I've become this person I'm in love with. I think I see her in the mirror sometimes, but only for a fragment of a second.

another thing i've realized is that my problems have become so boring. i'm sick of them. i want them gone. easier said than done, but entirely possible.

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