when i'm up late at night and not super productive, i can't help but seep into a dark mood. i've been reading old emails and blogs from a rough time ago and its as though i'm back there again. what i wouldn't give to go back and to know to release my talons, that while it may seem worth it now for the support it may have been best for me to have simply walked away. i realize now that i was in a defining stage, a pretty impressionable stage where i was looking for people who could confirm or deny who i hoped that i was or might be. if i had only had enough awareness to stand by myself then perhaps i wouldn't have to've groveled. i have this mental image of me breaking my own heart, throwing it on the floor and then realizing i have to walk across said floor to get out. so i do, and the pieces of the glass heart get stuck in my skin. i don't say that to be dramatic. i just hate how i feel about myself, perhaps more than i hate my real self much of the time, and while i guess i've been working on that all my life there was a window of hope that was open for awhile. but it got slammed shut, and i've spent the last two or three years trying to get the fucking thing open again.
maybe i'm ayn rand's least favorite character, maybe i'm the person who thrives on other people, maybe i'm a vampire and i drain them to keep myself alive, can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em. oh why don't i fit? what a silly child my parents have.
in a monty python interview, john cleese says of graham chapman that he was BROKEN, he was DEFECTIVE. he needed to be sent back and fixed. that's how i feel when i'm like this, and i just wonder if there was a chance that i could have been better if i had just made the choice to walk away.