I've been thinking alot about the dynamics of friendship lately, and what makes a valuable one. I could discuss each one at length here, but I really am too tired at the moment. However. Yesterday was interesting for me because I had to apologize to someone I knew for something fairly petty. Not like, sorry, I didn't mean to drink your water, but an actual "I apologize" moment. It was odd and took me back a few years.
I was sitting at my desk, grumpily, with my back to my room-mate's bed. My roomie, bless her sincere little heart, has been talking on her cellphone until it dies and then switching to skype every night to talk to these two boys/men in her life. She has been torn between them and only recently made the choice to become the girlfriend of one. So she's had the drama plus the twittery addiction of early possibilities (oh to remember that. it's been three years since i knew what that was). I get it. However it's been getting to me as the girl really is a talker 24/7, and is x10 in her current state, and her stress becomes my stress, and frankly due to my own somewhat anxious nature I cannot accept that lovingly. So I was feeling generally annoyed at the constant jabber and inane cutesy talk, as well as disappointed and disgusted with myself in general, as it goes sometimes (ever since the Creepy Old Man of the summertime I have felt massively disgusted with my looks and level of attractiveness, which was never high in the first place). I was feeling this and of course the stress of knowing I must stay up until at least 5AM to finish a project. I have my headphones on, and suddenly Aly, my suitemate, appears at my side and says in that blunt way of hers "WHERE DID YOU GO?" She asks these questions out of curiousity, but the way they lunge out of her mouth always makes them sound demanding. Her question jerked me out of my "zone" and suddenly I felt generally gross and mad that anyone was allowed to be near me or to judge me and I snapped at her to knock on the god forsaken door before she comes in, ever. I could see her eyes soften at that and she trailed out of the room, mumbling. I stewed for a few more minutes, listening to my room-mate in cutesy mode, talking about how tiny her hands are and how big her new boyfriend is, and I finally joined Aly outside. "I'm sorry I snapped at you," I said. "I didn't mean it."
I feel both mature-ish and 11 again when I think about it.