write.

it's what a writer does.

“The life so short, the crafts so long to learn”.

in the words of Daniel Plainview, I'M FINISHED.

she's got a garden and we're plantin' it together.

i am seriously dragging this out.

just finish it, katrina. gosh.

for the record, the song i was listening to most at the time of my completion of my college career was Upward Over The Mountain by Iron and Wine. Someday I want to make a movie that makes me feel the way this song does.

you needn't remind me of vulnerability, it's everywhere i look.

Mother don't worry
I killed the last snake that lived in the creek bed
Mother don't worry
I've got some money I saved for the weekend
Mother, remember being so stern
With that girl who was with me?
Mother, remember the blink of an eye
When I breathed through your body?

So may the sunrise bring hope
Where it once was forgotten
Sons are like birds
Flying upward over the mountain

Mother, I made it up
From the bruise of a floor of this prison
Mother, I lost it
All of the fear of the Lord I was given
Mother forget me
Now that the creek drank the cradle you sang to
Mother forgive me
I sold your car for the shoes that I gave you

So may the sunrise bring hope
Where it once was forgotten
Sons are like birds
Flying upward over the mountain

Mother, don't worry
I've got a coat and some friends on the corner
Mother, don't worry
She's got a garden we're planting together
Mother, remember the night
That the dog had her pups in the pantry?
Blood on the floor and the fleas on their paws
And you cried 'til the morning

So may the sunrise bring hope
Where it once was forgotten
Sons are like birds
Flying upward over the mountain.

At this moment this song crushes me and inspires me at the same time. My screenwriting teacher does this really cool thing when she teaches thesis classes-- she goes to an art show every semester and then selects art cards that somehow relate to each student's script to give out as parting gifts. the above is the one she gave me, by Renoir, to remind me of the vulnerability of the West and the women in it. Wonderful.

But Karol, I wanted to say, vulnerability is all I see.

way up yonder above the sky, a bluebird lived and a jaybird died.

Hmm, so it would appear that things seem brighter today. Still feeling a bit overwhelmed but the sense of exhaustion has passed and I'm feeling optimistic again. I finished my Shakespeare final today, a few hours ago, thank God, and thank God also for acting on my desperate pleas to spare me even though I hadn't studied. I opted to take it early so that I could attend my friend Josh's film screening, but upon waking this morning and bemoaning my existence I began to rethink that plan. Still, I reread some key quotes on sparknotes and flipped through The Tempest (of which I am not a fan. stupid play. stupid magic island) and sallied forth. The test was not hard. In hindsight I'm kind of kicking myself for forgetting to add some specific examples in some of the essay portion, but i think I'm in solid territory. Anyway. A shower later and I'm feeling better. Or something. The insignificant things fade away.

I think part of my problem is that, as someone who has such extreme inner reactions to most things, I don't always have an outlet to do so, so emotions can get backed up and just burst out when given the proper nudge. This is why when I really laugh, I laugh till I cry, and why if I'm moved by something it will haunt me for awhile.

I was at church yesterday, which seems like a long time ago, just beaming happiness about existence, when Pastor Mueller outed me for being an almost-post-grad. Later, a kindly, loveable old fellow that serves as one of the elders in the church (one of my favorite people there) approached me, cornering me, and I waited, confused, half-expecting to hear sage advice about life post-college or questions about what I was going to do. Instead he looked me in the eye and said "On the condition that you don't tell anyone where ya got it," and crammed a tidy sum of money (though anything is a tidy sum for me at this point) into my little fist. I had no idea what to say except "Noooooo!" and "THANK YOU" and "NOOOOO." It was completely unexpected. He said he was going to use it for seed money for something he wanted, but thought that I would probably be just as good of an investment.

It was nice. And then what do I do? I come back to school, bitching and moaning about feeling like crap. How stupid. People can be so kind.

Howl, howl, howl, howl! O, you are men of stones:
Had I your tongues and eyes, I’d use them so
That heaven’s vault should crack. She’s gone forever!
I know when one is dead, and when one lives;
She’s dead as earth.
-King Lear

In other news, I jinxed myself. I've been so damn happy for weeks, on a high. I don't remember the last time I cried but all evening I've been stopping and halting and starting again at the drop of a hat, like it's PMS or something but I know it's not (that was last week, and anyway I don't really get PMS). Like I'm exhausted, but I can't be that exhausted. The chronic dissatisfaction is being chronic again. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? My god, am I really truly this moody? Am I as bipolar as they said I am?

I refuse! I refuse to let the good wave die and let little things that don't mean anything eat away at me. I just don't know how to prevent feeling this emotionally tired. When I wake up tomorrow, I'm doing my best to change it. Destroy the little buggers. Smile. Only good things. It was such a good wave, kid, don't let it die.

Incidentally, I had very little internet access this weekend. Responses to everything forthcoming, as soon as my last 3 finals are out of the way, IE Wednesday.