FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
all this stupid fucking summer i've been trying to get work, to just convince myself that it's worth it to keep trying. absolutely everything has fallen through. every day it seems like something falls through-- i don't know what days are better: the ones that drag on bleakly or the ones that clobber me with disapointment.
in the meantime i've been forcing myself to edit the hell out of this STUPID script that I wrote as my thesis. I MADE myself perfect it. all this time i've known the only hope this stuff has for getting off the ground is getting noticed in contests-- you can't really get representation as an unsolicited screenwriter anymore. most of the good ones were back in spring, but I found the American Zoetrope one, which was open until tonight. That was my goal, it was my hope of light at the end of this STUPID TUNNEL-- delusional, yeah, but it would have given something for me to hope for. So tonight I get set to submit it, and the site repeatedly tells me that the account number I'm using (my mother's debit card-- yeah, i'm fucking borrowing 50 dollars for this stupid thing) doesn't exist. I tried 5000 times, the very last of which had me staring bleakly at the computer clock in disbelief as the deadline passed before my eyes.
so it's just a contest, yeah, there are others (in the distant future). but DAMN IT i really just needed to know that this was out there, in someone's hands, that i had done something to get it out. i could have that to think about while i toil away at nothing. or starve. or live in my fucking car. i didn't even realize how important that was for me until i saw that stupid clock hit zero. it WAS important, and it got fucked up and i'm so upset I don't even know what to do with myself. now everything just appears in the cold, harsh tones of reality. i don't think i've ever felt more... pointless. what good is there in trying? I KNOW THERE'S GOOD IN TRYING, just not perhaps in reference to ME.
I'm not even sad, just FURIOUSLY POINTLESS. I AM A FURIOUSLY POINTLESS GIRL. GOD DAMN and THIS IS OUR LIVES! DUST STORMS THAT KILL BABIES and bring in poisonous spiders and make us EAT PICKLED TUMBLEWEEDS! and little farmers with their spectacles still stand in the wind and smile and say we'll shine through in the end. i wish i could be that. i have no idea what i'm doing here.
and i was in a really good mood today, too.
i'd apologize for the excessive cursing but i think it's earned.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Monday, September 6, 2010
dear mad men,
So, my loyalty is still with Breaking Bad, however Mad Men is just absolutely killing me (in a good way) this season which is already hands-down it's best. The slow-build and character development of the show has paid off big time (though never explosively, which no one really wants). AMC really is where it's all happening right now-- I'm already daydreaming about working there. Anyway, the episode aired this evening, called The Suitcase (I think) was one of the best episodes of any TV show, ever. It took place all over one evening and consisted of conversation, funny and tragic, between Don and Peggy, probably the most interesting characters of the show (aside from Joan. but Joan never really gets good episodes!). Nothing happened and yet everything happened. Towards the end Jon Hamm finally got a chance to dig into a really heavy, beautiful actor's moment (we all knew he could do it) that lasted for one single long take, and the whole thing was topped off by the two characters' acknowledgement of appreciation for oneanother. It was really fantastic, somewhat like Breaking Bad's loved/maligned episode from last season that took place in one paranoid afternoon between just Jesse and Walt (The Fly), which to me was phenomenal, but what. I think Mad Men's topped even that.
[I mean, I'm writing about it which either means I'm really bored (maybe) or it was THAT GOOD.]
I LOVE that. I LOVE witnessing the creation of REAL people-- characters and relationships that we can deeply invest in. That's what makes this type of production WORK and that's what we're seeing more of in television lately! I LIKE this trend. I wish it extended to mainstream film, which is on its downside right now. Maybe all the good characters migrated.
Incidentally, Jon Hamm. I love you.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
geniuses.
Today I got the hankerin' to read about Hello Kitty and how and when her reign began, and exactly how much she's worth (I don't know why, I've never been into HK). Fascinating stuff for such a simple little cartoon cat. However, I thought this tidbit was especially interesting:
A spokesperson for Sanrio says that Hello Kitty is not normally given a mouth because "without the mouth, it is easier for the person looking at Hello Kitty to project their feelings onto the character" and that "the person can be happy or sad together with Hello Kitty."
geniuses. these people are GENIUSES.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
ps,
is it just me, or is Joseph Gordon-Levitt, one of my favorite future husbands, super graceful in this scene?
were you a dancer, Joe? Were ya?
were you a dancer, Joe? Were ya?
Inception
I finally saw Inception this week. Though it was not exactly what I had hoped it would be, it definitely left me in awe, especially in regards to Chris Nolan's mastery-- mainly in the construction of the story, regardless of the deft filmmaking. How did he manage to think up something like that, let alone present it in such a logical, easy-to-follow way (well, relatively easy to follow. i'm not sure I took in certain meanings and rules about the constructs of the dreams-- my ADD once again distracted me-- but I followed the plot, the levels of subconsciousness, very easily). I have further thoughts on the matter, long, rambly but organized thoughts, over at Cinephile.
i forget things. like labor day.
Labor day weekend has snuck up on me. Of course, it doesn't really mean anything to me except for the continuation of this perpetual summer of 2010. What a drag of a summer. I feel like I did so little.
Now now, Katrina, let's actually think of the nice things that happened. First of all, I graduated, and that is still the ultimate joy. Secondly, I have nearly finished my thesis which will be submitted to the Zoetrope contest soon (the Coppolas are my homeboys, obviously, so I expect great things from that). I've written a few short stories and submitted them for publication consideration (though of course I've been rejected from each publisher), I made two short films that I find somewhat satisfying to watch, and I had a job for a little while.
Oh, have I not mentioned what happened there? Well, it took me forever to go through the hiring process at the Santa Barbara job, and in the meantime I did some independent work for one of the clients, a woman with CP. A very infamously difficult woman, as it turns out. Anyway, once training was supposed to start I told the woman that I needed to complete training before we went any further (her parents were determined to get her going as early as possible, but without involvement from the organization that I was supposed to start working for we were floundering around without a game plan of any kind). TWO WEEKS LATER (yeah) I finally got into training and shadowing for another girl that I would be working with (whom I loved, I will miss her). But I was then told that the CP woman as well as the other girl were going to be on long vacations. Ok. I tried to hang in, though it got to the point that I had no money to even commute to SB to work. I was then notified that CP woman would be even longer than expected, and I was asked if I still wanted the job. I took it as a sign-- I did not want this job, I did not want this job from the start. I had had bad dreams about it, for heaven's sake, and I've been paranoid about how I would get out of it once I found a preferable job (these sorts of special needs people jobs of course want committment, which I couldn't give). Anyway, I was given the easy out and I took it.
Lately I've been interviewing for a very cool shop in downtown Ventura (5 minutes from where I live). It's a writing job, and it would consist of me writing newsletters, articles, salesletters, blurbs, and blogs. I really want this job, but it's taking a long time as well. I felt as though it was meant to be but now I've had enough time to start worrying about it.
In the meantime I've been trying to write, but of course sans structure I am not a dedicated little person. I've watched alot of TV lately, though I like to think it's good and inspiring television. I've become more of a TeVee-er than I ever have been, and I think it's because television has really gotten great lately. I would love to write for television, for something like Breaking Bad (of course) or Mad Men or Deadwood or even something like Criminal Minds (the only good cop show on these days). Or even the HBO stuff like The Big C or Weeds (which I haven't seen much of, but still) or United States of Tara. And How I Met Your Mother, which is a shining example of the sitcom's refusal to die! Oh yes happiness.
Anyway. Yes, okay, alot of TV recently. I really should probably dabble in the real world some more.
I'm in the midst of reading a number of books, as per my ADD usual (I actually wonder about my ADD qualities sometimes-- I don't want to read too much into it, but I certainly have concentration issues), two being East of Eden and The Heart is A Lonely Hunter. EoE hasn't grabbed me yet, though I always like Steinbeck's writing style. Lonely Hunter doesn't really flow like a story, just a set of characters getting older in a southern town. It's quite good thus far, and reminds me alot of To Kill A Mockingbird. Both books were written by southern women, which I find interesting. Anyway, the only thing I notice in Lonely Hunter that ticks me off is the dialect-- when certain books try to capture a certain way of speaking, be it deep southern or cockney, I tend to shut down or skim. Their Eyes Were Watching God is an example of this. Obviously, there has to be some way of expressing that manner of speech, but that's so difficult in print. All of the "black folks" in Lonely Hunter annoy the crap of out me and I have no patience for reading their dialogue. If they were characters in a film, I would probably feel differently, as I do like the feel of a southern accent and certain odd or backward phrases, like "over yonder" and "fixin' to" and "'first place..." Anyway, I suppose what I'm trying to say is that I think writers need to be careful with dialect and their expression of "sound" as it can distract from what the words actually mean. Also, it is quite enough to notify the reader that the subject speaks with a twang rather than sounding out the sound of the twang in the subject's speech. I don't like it! I don't!
Now now, Katrina, let's actually think of the nice things that happened. First of all, I graduated, and that is still the ultimate joy. Secondly, I have nearly finished my thesis which will be submitted to the Zoetrope contest soon (the Coppolas are my homeboys, obviously, so I expect great things from that). I've written a few short stories and submitted them for publication consideration (though of course I've been rejected from each publisher), I made two short films that I find somewhat satisfying to watch, and I had a job for a little while.
Oh, have I not mentioned what happened there? Well, it took me forever to go through the hiring process at the Santa Barbara job, and in the meantime I did some independent work for one of the clients, a woman with CP. A very infamously difficult woman, as it turns out. Anyway, once training was supposed to start I told the woman that I needed to complete training before we went any further (her parents were determined to get her going as early as possible, but without involvement from the organization that I was supposed to start working for we were floundering around without a game plan of any kind). TWO WEEKS LATER (yeah) I finally got into training and shadowing for another girl that I would be working with (whom I loved, I will miss her). But I was then told that the CP woman as well as the other girl were going to be on long vacations. Ok. I tried to hang in, though it got to the point that I had no money to even commute to SB to work. I was then notified that CP woman would be even longer than expected, and I was asked if I still wanted the job. I took it as a sign-- I did not want this job, I did not want this job from the start. I had had bad dreams about it, for heaven's sake, and I've been paranoid about how I would get out of it once I found a preferable job (these sorts of special needs people jobs of course want committment, which I couldn't give). Anyway, I was given the easy out and I took it.
Lately I've been interviewing for a very cool shop in downtown Ventura (5 minutes from where I live). It's a writing job, and it would consist of me writing newsletters, articles, salesletters, blurbs, and blogs. I really want this job, but it's taking a long time as well. I felt as though it was meant to be but now I've had enough time to start worrying about it.
In the meantime I've been trying to write, but of course sans structure I am not a dedicated little person. I've watched alot of TV lately, though I like to think it's good and inspiring television. I've become more of a TeVee-er than I ever have been, and I think it's because television has really gotten great lately. I would love to write for television, for something like Breaking Bad (of course) or Mad Men or Deadwood or even something like Criminal Minds (the only good cop show on these days). Or even the HBO stuff like The Big C or Weeds (which I haven't seen much of, but still) or United States of Tara. And How I Met Your Mother, which is a shining example of the sitcom's refusal to die! Oh yes happiness.
Anyway. Yes, okay, alot of TV recently. I really should probably dabble in the real world some more.
I'm in the midst of reading a number of books, as per my ADD usual (I actually wonder about my ADD qualities sometimes-- I don't want to read too much into it, but I certainly have concentration issues), two being East of Eden and The Heart is A Lonely Hunter. EoE hasn't grabbed me yet, though I always like Steinbeck's writing style. Lonely Hunter doesn't really flow like a story, just a set of characters getting older in a southern town. It's quite good thus far, and reminds me alot of To Kill A Mockingbird. Both books were written by southern women, which I find interesting. Anyway, the only thing I notice in Lonely Hunter that ticks me off is the dialect-- when certain books try to capture a certain way of speaking, be it deep southern or cockney, I tend to shut down or skim. Their Eyes Were Watching God is an example of this. Obviously, there has to be some way of expressing that manner of speech, but that's so difficult in print. All of the "black folks" in Lonely Hunter annoy the crap of out me and I have no patience for reading their dialogue. If they were characters in a film, I would probably feel differently, as I do like the feel of a southern accent and certain odd or backward phrases, like "over yonder" and "fixin' to" and "'first place..." Anyway, I suppose what I'm trying to say is that I think writers need to be careful with dialect and their expression of "sound" as it can distract from what the words actually mean. Also, it is quite enough to notify the reader that the subject speaks with a twang rather than sounding out the sound of the twang in the subject's speech. I don't like it! I don't!
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
this makes me incredibly homicidal:
I realize that most of my posts lately have consisted of whining, however I really just had to share my sense of injustice after I read this on Wikipedia:
Meyer had never written even a short story before Twilight, and had considered going to law school because she felt she had no chance of becoming a writer; she later noted that the birth of her oldest son Gabe changed her mind, saying, "Once I had Gabe, I just wanted to be his mom."[14] Before becoming an author, Meyer's only professional work was as a receptionist in a property company.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! anger.
ps, this woman is a BAD WRITER.
Meyer had never written even a short story before Twilight, and had considered going to law school because she felt she had no chance of becoming a writer; she later noted that the birth of her oldest son Gabe changed her mind, saying, "Once I had Gabe, I just wanted to be his mom."[14] Before becoming an author, Meyer's only professional work was as a receptionist in a property company.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! anger.
ps, this woman is a BAD WRITER.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)