Wednesday, September 8, 2010

FUCK.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

all this stupid fucking summer i've been trying to get work, to just convince myself that it's worth it to keep trying. absolutely everything has fallen through. every day it seems like something falls through-- i don't know what days are better: the ones that drag on bleakly or the ones that clobber me with disapointment.

in the meantime i've been forcing myself to edit the hell out of this STUPID script that I wrote as my thesis. I MADE myself perfect it. all this time i've known the only hope this stuff has for getting off the ground is getting noticed in contests-- you can't really get representation as an unsolicited screenwriter anymore. most of the good ones were back in spring, but I found the American Zoetrope one, which was open until tonight. That was my goal, it was my hope of light at the end of this STUPID TUNNEL-- delusional, yeah, but it would have given something for me to hope for. So tonight I get set to submit it, and the site repeatedly tells me that the account number I'm using (my mother's debit card-- yeah, i'm fucking borrowing 50 dollars for this stupid thing) doesn't exist. I tried 5000 times, the very last of which had me staring bleakly at the computer clock in disbelief as the deadline passed before my eyes.

so it's just a contest, yeah, there are others (in the distant future). but DAMN IT i really just needed to know that this was out there, in someone's hands, that i had done something to get it out. i could have that to think about while i toil away at nothing. or starve. or live in my fucking car. i didn't even realize how important that was for me until i saw that stupid clock hit zero. it WAS important, and it got fucked up and i'm so upset I don't even know what to do with myself. now everything just appears in the cold, harsh tones of reality. i don't think i've ever felt more... pointless. what good is there in trying? I KNOW THERE'S GOOD IN TRYING, just not perhaps in reference to ME.

I'm not even sad, just FURIOUSLY POINTLESS. I AM A FURIOUSLY POINTLESS GIRL. GOD DAMN and THIS IS OUR LIVES! DUST STORMS THAT KILL BABIES and bring in poisonous spiders and make us EAT PICKLED TUMBLEWEEDS! and little farmers with their spectacles still stand in the wind and smile and say we'll shine through in the end. i wish i could be that. i have no idea what i'm doing here.

and i was in a really good mood today, too.

i'd apologize for the excessive cursing but i think it's earned.

2 comments:

Sonja said...

Cursing is the encapsulation of emotion for when words are insufficient. Or well, that's how I imagine it should be, but considering I have a mouth like a sailor, for me it's more of a laziness thing.

Yours came off more as the former though.

I am so sorry that you have gone through these frustrations, that you missed the contest, that work has been unsuccessful. I wish there was something that I could do for you.

*biiig hugs*

<3

Katrina said...

haha. my cursing comes in phases. i'll be at it for months on end and then i'll stop and it'll seem strange to curse at all. but i rarely go to the effort to TYPE it out. it's like a glaring reminder that i went to all that trouble to over-use lazy language. anyway.

thanks, sonja. <3 i know you've had it much harder this summer than i have. anyway, i feel OK now, just... cynical. but then something nice'll happen and i'll stop bitching for all of two seconds to smile about it. hopefully.