Sunday, January 16, 2011

This is a hammer, this is a hill.

My goodness, I was in a fairly good mood when I wrote my Christmas post there, and I still came across as whiney, ungrateful, and bitchy. That's just no good. Sometimes I take a step back and I realize that my actions and a good deal of the things I say do not and should not reflect who I must be-- but of course they do. Anyway, sometimes I look back on things I've said and I hear them with a little too much clarity.

All this is to say, I made it sound like I wasn't enjoying myself in Texas or that I had had a terrible party. Both are falsehoods. The party I now look back on with a smugness that I, I pulled off such a smashing business. Cocktails! Dresses! Faux-elegant conversation and cigarette holders! Well, no one had a cigarette holder. But I pretended. Also, Christmas was nice and warm and fuzzy, and weird and occasionally sad as my parents can be, I love them. I miss my mom so much, so much of the time. She really is a great friend of mine and I like going home and having her basically take care of me. It's rotten to be back home now and to feel like no one's looking out for me.

Strange how I can't figure out if I'm solitary or dependent. Maybe none of us are strictly one type. I certainly don't like living with people but when my safety net of people I love is removed I get crazy. I almost feel like it's pointless at the moment to abide in Ventura because there's no one here anymore. Everyone's gone home or back to school. I don't do well without support. Then again, that scary feeling always reminds me of that brilliant Mother Teresa quote, "If we feel alone, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to one another." I always find that inspiring and convicting. Of course you're going to feel sad and alone and broken if you wallow in your confinement. All of your problems will become huge, stifling, evil. They will crush you. And there's something to be said for thinking about yourself and confronting your issues, but often there's only so far you can go with that until you begin to become too absorbed in your own mind. At some point I think you need to take on the problems of others. Not only is it distracting but it's sorting and resolving of your own problems. We belong to each other. That's something some Jesuit speaker talked about during my Welcome Week at LMU, and I still value it, even if I haven't quite figured out how to practice it yet, how to serve people. I feel like I pay attention to others, and I listen, and I appreciate most people for what they have to offer, but I'm not sure how to be a part of them yet or how to help them. I am so continually disgusted by myself and then the world and then myself again that I get so frustrated and anxious, but I hardly ever do anything to improve matters. Usually because I feel like I just freaking can't, but that's a lie. A lie that is probably the result of being too much in my head, a result of forgetting that we belong to one another.

That's a good thing to keep in mind, I think, with the new year and all. I made some resolutions the first weekend of the month and wrote them in the copy of Ulysess that I'm still wading, sloshing, trekking through (a literary swamp, if you will). They are as follows, though of course I don't expect to keep to them attentively, I hope to give all of them my best shot.

"Things I will conquer this year:
. This book.
. Burning 500 Calories a day (best to be specific, I suppose)
. Improving my German.
. Paying off very much debt. (IE be thrifty.)
. Eating healthily and really learning how to cook.
. Learning 11 songs on the guitar.
. Write every day possible. Finish 3 scripts at least.
. Make Short movies.
. Get Fucking Published.
. Get certified to teach English.
. Brush teeth twice a day.
. Internship. Some cool internship.
. Shop scripts.
. Volunteer.
. Acquire driving/subtitle-reading glasses, argh.
. Go to the beach once a week. How stupid to not appreciate what we have.
. Volunteer. Even if it's just a little bit.
. Finally, chase God. We need to talk more. I need to read more about Him. We gotta connect more, because I keep lazily passing Him up, avoiding Him like eye contact with someone whom I know is waiting for me to speak. I would also like to study more about the differences between Protestant denominations, for at present I am nondenominational and attending a Presbyterian church. I dig the Presbies, however the whole predestination thing is something I cannot believe. Research this.
. Read (at least) these books: (i list a few of them, more to be added)"

Above all, my character resolution is to simply improve my dedication to service. I do want to be better, and I want to be better joyously. I want to get better at loving people.

My semi-plan for this year is, basically, to stay put. I am not going to go to school. I am not going to go to Europe. I can't, I have to stay here and make some money and save at least a little bit. It'd be nice to keep a job for a bit, too, just for the sake of building an impressive resume. Ever since I went to school I'd start a job and drop it quickly because I'd refocus on school (actually I'd just get depressed and refuse to do anything, ahm..), so it'd be good to stick with what at least appears to be a writing job for a year/nearly a year. However I do plan on looking for other jobs. I sincerely need something with benefits, or at least some extra cash coming in. As it is there is a mountain of debt in front of me and it's a little frightening. I'm also too scared to just tally up what I owe. Ugh. ANYWAY. I plan on staying here and paying up, saving up. However. As I'm abandoning Europe until January of next year (I think I'll au pair and then attend school, perhaps in Ireland), I am going to attempt to see the states. I want to spend at least a little time in as many states as I possibly can. I'll start small-- Greyhound is the way to go. I'll travel by night bus and get off in the mornings to explore. Anyway, I'll take those trips whenever I can and write as I go. All of this will culminate in the fall when I plan on finally, finally, finally seeing NYC.

After that, in the words of Mary Bailey, who cares!

1 comment:

Sonja said...

I feel sort of like you - in need of people-support that's not too stifling, but I don't know if taking on the problems of others is the right answer. I'm not saying we shouldn't - because what are friends for? - I just don't think it'll help with the loneliness. Maybe if it was a two way street it would...but that so rarely happens.

Like - I listen to my neighbor and her troubles, I offer her advice, I try to help her talk through her own personal issues, I've offered to watch her daughter, to do stuff with her when she's feeling abandoned by her bf - and usually I'm met with a big resounding wall of No cushioned with excuses for not doing whatever it is that will get her out of her own head and depressive state. And that is draining after a while - but I'll still be there for her because I'm her friend, but I'm definitely not getting the Mother Teresa vibe from the situation.

Maybe I'm doing it wrong. :p

I like your resolutions. They're nice. And I wish you all the luck with your greyhound travel, though I hope we'll have time to hang before you go to Europe next year.
Au pairing is something I've thought about doing myself, despite how vaguely frightening I find it to be. Actually, I am so in awe of you for your big travel plans - I can't imagine just hopping into a bus and going places. I envy that boldness of yours.