You know, not to look at things as simply as my Bible-Belt Loving mother does, but for lack of better terms I must say: the stronger my resolve to change or do something good, the stronger I am struck down, Brought Down, I suspect, by something beyond my power, something that's got It's Eye on me and knows how to affect me.
In the past week I've made huge leaps and bounds in my life towards my betterment and my mental health and my relationships. But in my resolve to change and keep full speed ahead I've been stopped with urgings to slow down, to fall down, to relapse. I have been steadily down for many months. This week, following my resolve, I have felt decidedly suicidal. I have no reason for this, and as I am too rational it is of COURSE not a threat to me, but it IS amazing to me that it has struck out at me now. Why now? Nothing bad has happened. Quite the opposite. All quiet on the homefront. Depression is such a fucking monster.
One thing that calms me down when I get like this is reading about other people who have suffered. It's good to know someone can relate, someone could put my own feelings into better-formed sentences than I could even begin to attempt. Elizabeth Wurtzel, the notorious bitch and depression poster girl, happens to be unbelievably relateable. Everything I've read of hers resonates. Amazing that reading about something so depressing can have the opposite effect.
Right now I am very tired of being alone. I would like Elizabeth or Sylvia or Susannah or someone else completely different to come and pat me on the shoulder and say... well. I don't know.
I wrote the following while in "a mood". I fell asleep before I could finish it.
I always thought when I finally did it I'd make it look like an accident. Ultimately, I kind of wanted something more dramatic and obvious-- images of me hanging from a noose in the corner of an attic somewhere were hauntingly horrible and entertaining. Drowning myself in my own bathtub. I always thought the easiest, kindest way to go would be the sleeping pills bit, though to help oneself along you should slit the wrists- not across the street but down the road, maybe just a little bit, just to expedite the journey. Just a little bit. A part of me wanted to do that, so people would know. The typical "dramatic effect" idea, that show 'em all concept. That's weird, I think, because there's really no one I wanted to show. I was not particularly bitter at/with anybody. I guess I just wanted to make my point that I was capable of it, that I was serious, that I had that darkness in me. That I was not a joke, that this pain was not imaginary. I wanted them to know that, I wanted myself to know that.
ugh. i am being tough and telling this to take a hike, but right now i feel spectacularly unsatisfied.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
i am tortured, ever tortured.
because i have an urge to declare my love for musicians who don't care about me. ah tom waits, does not the fact that i love you mean anything in this world?
writing agenda for the next couple of weeks:
1. reconstruct rusty. adhere to screenwriting rules. adjust structure a bit and tweak dialogue a tad. submit to final draft by the 1st. party.
2. work on new script. hurrah. finish.
3. reconstruct rhymes with orange. make amazing shot list. assemble places. organize. do not sleep through existence.
4. look at one scholarship thingy per day.
5. write on fantastic novel.
6. at end of each week, send off various stories to various places. hurrahhhh..
7. write some excellent emails
just keep swimming...
writing agenda for the next couple of weeks:
1. reconstruct rusty. adhere to screenwriting rules. adjust structure a bit and tweak dialogue a tad. submit to final draft by the 1st. party.
2. work on new script. hurrah. finish.
3. reconstruct rhymes with orange. make amazing shot list. assemble places. organize. do not sleep through existence.
4. look at one scholarship thingy per day.
5. write on fantastic novel.
6. at end of each week, send off various stories to various places. hurrahhhh..
7. write some excellent emails
just keep swimming...
Monday, May 4, 2009
can't do right tonight
I am fascinated by the middle class.
I also had screenings today.
Gotta pack
Gotta move out.
hurrah.
I also had screenings today.
Gotta pack
Gotta move out.
hurrah.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
don't you think we oughta know by now
"the harder you work to attain something the more you change."
quoth me.
"Rebellion is modern heroism"
quoth my favorite teacher, Pendleton, on the topic of the Beat generation.
I love finding old paper scraps. :)
More:
I found somebody's cellphone in the parking lot the other day. Not thegym parking lot, because I never go to the gym. Which is probably why... nevermind. My mother has more muscle definition than I do, mostly from hefting my sister, a retard who can't really mobilize herself without some assistance (or wipe her own ass).
...The science building parking lot. I was only only in that parking lot because my history class is hled in the science building- though I am taking biology, thre. And failing. But that's mainly because I never go, which is why I was in the sicence parking lot after history class and not biology, which would make more sense bu I feel the need to set you straight, you see. It was blue (the cellphone) and one of those that feel like a brick and take up very nearly your whole hand.
quoth me.
"Rebellion is modern heroism"
quoth my favorite teacher, Pendleton, on the topic of the Beat generation.
I love finding old paper scraps. :)
More:
I found somebody's cellphone in the parking lot the other day. Not thegym parking lot, because I never go to the gym. Which is probably why... nevermind. My mother has more muscle definition than I do, mostly from hefting my sister, a retard who can't really mobilize herself without some assistance (or wipe her own ass).
...The science building parking lot. I was only only in that parking lot because my history class is hled in the science building- though I am taking biology, thre. And failing. But that's mainly because I never go, which is why I was in the sicence parking lot after history class and not biology, which would make more sense bu I feel the need to set you straight, you see. It was blue (the cellphone) and one of those that feel like a brick and take up very nearly your whole hand.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
you're a cow- give me some milk or else go home!
There's always something so thrilling about class registration (especially when it goes well...)
So far I'm registered for:
1 Screenwriting-- Directing for Screenwriters (which means I can keep my toes in production, yaaaaaay)
2 Screenwriting-- Writing the Sitcom. I had to take one TV class. Eh.
3 Philosophy and the Arts-- Core. Had to take philosophy. Scared.
4 Film-- Women in Film
5 English (elective)-- Chaucer (!!!! an entire class on Chaucer!!!! HURRAH!)
The theology offerings were weak this next semester. Hopefully they will offer that Dante class next Spring. Anyway, I still need to add 2 classes... Irish Cinema and something else, depending on what's available. Sigh.
These past couple of days have seen a strange rise in productivity for me. Sure, there's alot of procrastination going on, but it's the kind of strangely productive procrastination- where you end up doing things you actually needed to do just so you can avoid the one thing you really REALLY should do, but at least something's getting done. I stayed up two nights in a row.... very interesting results. Sure, I was dragging today but I wasn't actively "tired"... and I was pumped.
Good things happened today... films were edited. Finanacial things were straightened out. My check finally came a few days ago! So that was a lovely load off. I got word about places to stay in Ventura...
In order to function in the summer, I still must: get in job app + call CISS, call back ladies about houses, find an internship, register at VC, call the storage people and get my stuff packed and outta here. I was also thinking of applying to work at Firefly again...
summer goals.
work. alot. at ciss, at firefly, where-ever.
make Rhymes With Orange, finally, once and for all.
lose. weight. go running in the morning. do not look at scale until august. hurrahhh.
paint.
work on screenplays... clara bow, or ophelia, or wilson....
work on short films by swiping dillon's cam.
read alot.
guitar.
paint.
juggle.
... yes well.
So far I'm registered for:
1 Screenwriting-- Directing for Screenwriters (which means I can keep my toes in production, yaaaaaay)
2 Screenwriting-- Writing the Sitcom. I had to take one TV class. Eh.
3 Philosophy and the Arts-- Core. Had to take philosophy. Scared.
4 Film-- Women in Film
5 English (elective)-- Chaucer (!!!! an entire class on Chaucer!!!! HURRAH!)
The theology offerings were weak this next semester. Hopefully they will offer that Dante class next Spring. Anyway, I still need to add 2 classes... Irish Cinema and something else, depending on what's available. Sigh.
These past couple of days have seen a strange rise in productivity for me. Sure, there's alot of procrastination going on, but it's the kind of strangely productive procrastination- where you end up doing things you actually needed to do just so you can avoid the one thing you really REALLY should do, but at least something's getting done. I stayed up two nights in a row.... very interesting results. Sure, I was dragging today but I wasn't actively "tired"... and I was pumped.
Good things happened today... films were edited. Finanacial things were straightened out. My check finally came a few days ago! So that was a lovely load off. I got word about places to stay in Ventura...
In order to function in the summer, I still must: get in job app + call CISS, call back ladies about houses, find an internship, register at VC, call the storage people and get my stuff packed and outta here. I was also thinking of applying to work at Firefly again...
summer goals.
work. alot. at ciss, at firefly, where-ever.
make Rhymes With Orange, finally, once and for all.
lose. weight. go running in the morning. do not look at scale until august. hurrahhh.
paint.
work on screenplays... clara bow, or ophelia, or wilson....
work on short films by swiping dillon's cam.
read alot.
guitar.
paint.
juggle.
... yes well.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
So none of the performances after opening night held a candle to that glorious Wednesday. It was a night of comraderie. We loved everybody and we smoked cigars together and strange embraces were exchanged. Suddenly, it was OK to hug Jesus, Judas was less stand-offish (haha.. funny but true), I could compliment my fellow performers without feeling obligated. I doubt my enthusiasm for their talent was grasped, but I shall now put it into print that must last here and forevermore- i was and will remain touched and incredibly impressed by the talent of these LMU theatre weirdos. They are amazing. I am sorry I am not one of them; I would be very enamored with myself indeed.
I'd like to give a description of the play here for posterity, but I haven't the energy, and I have so much else I must concentrate on. I have some things I wish to cry about right now. But I will only say one thing, and then onto my planned exercize.
one thing: no one came. well, that's not true. Marlena and Lauren attended, and it did my little heart good to see them, peering over Jesus's shoulder at the last supper and beaming with pride. Sadly, they vanished after my main scene. I am glad they saw it. But alas, when I later searched the sea of our audience a friendly face could not be found. I left the crowd quickly and began to clean up. This was to be my fate all 5 nights.
No one came.
There were reasons. For the most part, I understand. But there is still a nagging pitiful bummed-out little whiner in my head who pops up every now and again when I think of it, and she says something along the lines of "if someone wanted to be there, they'd find a way". In certain cases, there was no way. In others... Well. I am sounding petty. I think I am just angry that I ended up feeling "alone again, naturally" even after making a somewhat significant accomplishment for me. I was in a play. A Big Play with Strange Olde Language. I rehearsed every night and weekend since February. Hours. I helped put it together. I poured myself into it, just like everyone else involved. And now it's over and no one came to say, hey, you appear to have survived. I don't need good job. I don't need that. I WANT MY WORK TO BE WITNESSED. This is true of all that I do! This is why I would do anything (walk five hundred miles...) to support anyone I truly care about. If it is not, then what is the point? My effort is who I am. Ah. Life crisis. I am thinking too much about this. One must move on, and I have decided to try not to care about it. I am self-sufficient, I always have been.
Indeed. Perhaps it was technically wrong to wish it in the first place.
which brings us to.
EXERCIZE.
5 wonderful things. go.
1) The sunset here is amazing. I cannot believe that the entire student body does not rush to the bluff every evening to watch the tails of the day vanish into the purple dark, especially when the air is clear. You really can see forever- LA, the glint of building-tops, the winding roads, the hills in the distance, Hollywood in all of its teasing promise, and that beautiful, glorious sea that God has somehow seen fit to place so close to me. Why do I not go to it more often? It calls me daily but I ignore it.
Why is that?
2) 500 Miles by The Proclaimers
This is the most get-get-giddyup song in the world, and the best part is it's totally COOL and quirky. Yes, you can sing and skip along and feel not guilty but quirk-a-licious. You can also synchronize with your equally quirked friends by singing various parts together- DADADAHDAH! (dahdahDAHDAH) dumdiddlyum diddlyumdahdahdah! In fact my love for it has been reignited lately since during preparing for... well, I suppose it was opening night... a few of the theater people put it over the speakers and began to dance around wildly to it and sing. In Biblical garb. Okay. We actually all sang, even me. It could not be resisted.
3) My platform shoes.
These are crazy shoes. They are dying. They boost my height by two inches or so, and make my calves look nice. They are beaded. They are clonkers, but I can somehow walk in them gracefully as they have formed to my foot and are of a very specific shape that is rather unusual for your typical platform shoe. They make me feel vaguely attractive. I will miss them- I think come July they may have to retire. Oh, beloved shoes.
4)
This scene. This movie, actually, I found incredibly striking. Some scenes and characters far more than others, but I have to say I really felt like I understood it and it spoke to me very specifically. It's about, for lack of eloquence- getting over things. Trauma, hurt, pain, misunderstanding, life, death. And forgiveness, and moving on. This scene is so quiet and strange, but it brings me to tears and I can't say why.
I want to write/make a movie like this someday. I am afraid that I can't.
5) My best friend sending me a text message that reads: dearest friend. i just wanted to say how much i love you, and send you hugs and hopes that things will be better :) <3 you've always been just like a snorkel to me.
there is joy in struggle. the Lord is proved perfect in imperfection. human beings are so amazingly versatile. creativity is unstoppable. the thrist for knowledge can never be quenched.
dramatic? perhaps, but i know that even my loneliness can be my friend. and then we might be two on this road. once i figure that out, maybe we can walk side by side.
i hope so.
I'd like to give a description of the play here for posterity, but I haven't the energy, and I have so much else I must concentrate on. I have some things I wish to cry about right now. But I will only say one thing, and then onto my planned exercize.
one thing: no one came. well, that's not true. Marlena and Lauren attended, and it did my little heart good to see them, peering over Jesus's shoulder at the last supper and beaming with pride. Sadly, they vanished after my main scene. I am glad they saw it. But alas, when I later searched the sea of our audience a friendly face could not be found. I left the crowd quickly and began to clean up. This was to be my fate all 5 nights.
No one came.
There were reasons. For the most part, I understand. But there is still a nagging pitiful bummed-out little whiner in my head who pops up every now and again when I think of it, and she says something along the lines of "if someone wanted to be there, they'd find a way". In certain cases, there was no way. In others... Well. I am sounding petty. I think I am just angry that I ended up feeling "alone again, naturally" even after making a somewhat significant accomplishment for me. I was in a play. A Big Play with Strange Olde Language. I rehearsed every night and weekend since February. Hours. I helped put it together. I poured myself into it, just like everyone else involved. And now it's over and no one came to say, hey, you appear to have survived. I don't need good job. I don't need that. I WANT MY WORK TO BE WITNESSED. This is true of all that I do! This is why I would do anything (walk five hundred miles...) to support anyone I truly care about. If it is not, then what is the point? My effort is who I am. Ah. Life crisis. I am thinking too much about this. One must move on, and I have decided to try not to care about it. I am self-sufficient, I always have been.
Indeed. Perhaps it was technically wrong to wish it in the first place.
which brings us to.
EXERCIZE.
5 wonderful things. go.
1) The sunset here is amazing. I cannot believe that the entire student body does not rush to the bluff every evening to watch the tails of the day vanish into the purple dark, especially when the air is clear. You really can see forever- LA, the glint of building-tops, the winding roads, the hills in the distance, Hollywood in all of its teasing promise, and that beautiful, glorious sea that God has somehow seen fit to place so close to me. Why do I not go to it more often? It calls me daily but I ignore it.
Why is that?
2) 500 Miles by The Proclaimers
This is the most get-get-giddyup song in the world, and the best part is it's totally COOL and quirky. Yes, you can sing and skip along and feel not guilty but quirk-a-licious. You can also synchronize with your equally quirked friends by singing various parts together- DADADAHDAH! (dahdahDAHDAH) dumdiddlyum diddlyumdahdahdah! In fact my love for it has been reignited lately since during preparing for... well, I suppose it was opening night... a few of the theater people put it over the speakers and began to dance around wildly to it and sing. In Biblical garb. Okay. We actually all sang, even me. It could not be resisted.
3) My platform shoes.
These are crazy shoes. They are dying. They boost my height by two inches or so, and make my calves look nice. They are beaded. They are clonkers, but I can somehow walk in them gracefully as they have formed to my foot and are of a very specific shape that is rather unusual for your typical platform shoe. They make me feel vaguely attractive. I will miss them- I think come July they may have to retire. Oh, beloved shoes.
4)
This scene. This movie, actually, I found incredibly striking. Some scenes and characters far more than others, but I have to say I really felt like I understood it and it spoke to me very specifically. It's about, for lack of eloquence- getting over things. Trauma, hurt, pain, misunderstanding, life, death. And forgiveness, and moving on. This scene is so quiet and strange, but it brings me to tears and I can't say why.
I want to write/make a movie like this someday. I am afraid that I can't.
5) My best friend sending me a text message that reads: dearest friend. i just wanted to say how much i love you, and send you hugs and hopes that things will be better :) <3 you've always been just like a snorkel to me.
there is joy in struggle. the Lord is proved perfect in imperfection. human beings are so amazingly versatile. creativity is unstoppable. the thrist for knowledge can never be quenched.
dramatic? perhaps, but i know that even my loneliness can be my friend. and then we might be two on this road. once i figure that out, maybe we can walk side by side.
i hope so.
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