So none of the performances after opening night held a candle to that glorious Wednesday. It was a night of comraderie. We loved everybody and we smoked cigars together and strange embraces were exchanged. Suddenly, it was OK to hug Jesus, Judas was less stand-offish (haha.. funny but true), I could compliment my fellow performers without feeling obligated. I doubt my enthusiasm for their talent was grasped, but I shall now put it into print that must last here and forevermore- i was and will remain touched and incredibly impressed by the talent of these LMU theatre weirdos. They are amazing. I am sorry I am not one of them; I would be very enamored with myself indeed.

I'd like to give a description of the play here for posterity, but I haven't the energy, and I have so much else I must concentrate on. I have some things I wish to cry about right now. But I will only say one thing, and then onto my planned exercize.

one thing: no one came. well, that's not true. Marlena and Lauren attended, and it did my little heart good to see them, peering over Jesus's shoulder at the last supper and beaming with pride. Sadly, they vanished after my main scene. I am glad they saw it. But alas, when I later searched the sea of our audience a friendly face could not be found. I left the crowd quickly and began to clean up. This was to be my fate all 5 nights.

No one came.

There were reasons. For the most part, I understand. But there is still a nagging pitiful bummed-out little whiner in my head who pops up every now and again when I think of it, and she says something along the lines of "if someone wanted to be there, they'd find a way". In certain cases, there was no way. In others... Well. I am sounding petty. I think I am just angry that I ended up feeling "alone again, naturally" even after making a somewhat significant accomplishment for me. I was in a play. A Big Play with Strange Olde Language. I rehearsed every night and weekend since February. Hours. I helped put it together. I poured myself into it, just like everyone else involved. And now it's over and no one came to say, hey, you appear to have survived. I don't need good job. I don't need that. I WANT MY WORK TO BE WITNESSED. This is true of all that I do! This is why I would do anything (walk five hundred miles...) to support anyone I truly care about. If it is not, then what is the point? My effort is who I am. Ah. Life crisis. I am thinking too much about this. One must move on, and I have decided to try not to care about it. I am self-sufficient, I always have been.

Indeed. Perhaps it was technically wrong to wish it in the first place.

which brings us to.

EXERCIZE.

5 wonderful things. go.

1) The sunset here is amazing. I cannot believe that the entire student body does not rush to the bluff every evening to watch the tails of the day vanish into the purple dark, especially when the air is clear. You really can see forever- LA, the glint of building-tops, the winding roads, the hills in the distance, Hollywood in all of its teasing promise, and that beautiful, glorious sea that God has somehow seen fit to place so close to me. Why do I not go to it more often? It calls me daily but I ignore it.
Why is that?
2) 500 Miles by The Proclaimers
This is the most get-get-giddyup song in the world, and the best part is it's totally COOL and quirky. Yes, you can sing and skip along and feel not guilty but quirk-a-licious. You can also synchronize with your equally quirked friends by singing various parts together- DADADAHDAH! (dahdahDAHDAH) dumdiddlyum diddlyumdahdahdah! In fact my love for it has been reignited lately since during preparing for... well, I suppose it was opening night... a few of the theater people put it over the speakers and began to dance around wildly to it and sing. In Biblical garb. Okay. We actually all sang, even me. It could not be resisted.
3) My platform shoes.
These are crazy shoes. They are dying. They boost my height by two inches or so, and make my calves look nice. They are beaded. They are clonkers, but I can somehow walk in them gracefully as they have formed to my foot and are of a very specific shape that is rather unusual for your typical platform shoe. They make me feel vaguely attractive. I will miss them- I think come July they may have to retire. Oh, beloved shoes.
4)

This scene. This movie, actually, I found incredibly striking. Some scenes and characters far more than others, but I have to say I really felt like I understood it and it spoke to me very specifically. It's about, for lack of eloquence- getting over things. Trauma, hurt, pain, misunderstanding, life, death. And forgiveness, and moving on. This scene is so quiet and strange, but it brings me to tears and I can't say why.

I want to write/make a movie like this someday. I am afraid that I can't.

5) My best friend sending me a text message that reads: dearest friend. i just wanted to say how much i love you, and send you hugs and hopes that things will be better :) <3 you've always been just like a snorkel to me.

there is joy in struggle. the Lord is proved perfect in imperfection. human beings are so amazingly versatile. creativity is unstoppable. the thrist for knowledge can never be quenched.

dramatic? perhaps, but i know that even my loneliness can be my friend. and then we might be two on this road. once i figure that out, maybe we can walk side by side.

i hope so.