Friday, April 17, 2009

I have spent alot of this week in bed. I have woes. Money Woes- of the purse and of the penny. I have been literally counting my pennies- i realized today that i have not had spending money since late january and i am sick of it. i hate mooching, i hate borrowing, i hate not having even though i work and don't spend, for the most part. i have partaken in no crazy spending all year, i haven't even seen a movie in the theatre since the fucking Reader. I have to keep borrowing and saying no to cups of coffee even when i really want one. i have to beat around the bush about not contributing to things not because i don't want to but because i-- literally-- cannot. i don't know what to do. i don't know what to do about next year, i don't know what to do about living. i don't know what to do about what i owe.

this also encourages dependency, of which i will have none.

i suppose it's not a revelation, but it did dawn on me tonight that i flee people in order to protect my independence and my pride. fear of rejection runs so deep. i'd rather be detached and odd than be somewhat known and misunderstood or sneered at or disrespected.

i've been very good this semester about being on my own. of course i don't always do well, but fear and incapability have turned themselves inward rather than outward, which sounds unhealthy but actually seems to cause more introspection and less desperation, less need. Yes, I've spent alot of days in bed, covers over head, slipping in and out of conciousness, but at least I have not spent alot of time calling people late at night, writing letters, fretting, begging friends for their companionship. Not that I ever did that specifically, but one gets that feeling at times. Anyway, I haven't done that, though occasionally i do feel the sadness and the want to have someone familiar hug me, the desire to treat a family's home as my own even though the home does not belong to me; the family does not belong to me. I don't regard those feelings as weaknesses, but in context I see them as problematic- they must go away. i want to be very good at being alone.

seems i always write about these things, and rarely come to a conclusion.

opening night for the play was wednesday. tonight was round 2.
[introspective-ness [iamthedecIder] continues to strike as i consider the effects all of this has on me.]
it has been a rewarding experience. i want to do drama next year also, but not one with this schedule. this is madness.
i think i made someone cry in the audience today.

i'm not sure if i want friends to come see it. i think i just want them to want to come.

does everyone second guess their own motives like me?
or are there really just three types in the world? (those who are blind to their own motives, those who have motives and are fully aware and plodding every moment, and those whose intentions are usually plain and pure]
or is it that i care what people think?

sleep. next time hopefully i will speak happy words on a happy topic, and may that topic be a simple one.

No comments: