Sunday, June 20, 2010

admitting this is like sand-papering my face, but...

I've never been one to really, truly want a boyfriend. Though I kind of always assumed I'd be married with kids, when I really thought about it, it never seemed all that necessary. I mean, it's a nice thought, but... yeah. Ho hum and all that. I've never been afraid of being in bad relationships, but I haven't seen alot of really solid, wonderful ones. I always figured that planning to be alone for most of life was fine, and if someone came along, great. That's also how I think of men in general-- I never zero in on them the way girls seem to do naturally. I don't "like" guys often at all-- really, truly, I only give in to that notion when I sense that there's something compatible with them. I don't cling to the idea of a certain man, a boyfriend, husband-- more the individual, whoever he may be. There hasn't been alot of those. Only two or three, really (individual-wise), and those, for what it's worth, didn't turn out all that well.

But. but but. Despite all of this, this rejection of concept (which is probably in part earnest and in part fear of rejection itself or just good old fashioned cynicism [ie men suck, romance is dead or stupid, bla bla bla])-- despite this, and the fact that I can't even imagine myself being someone's better half/counterpart/whatever... lately I have this feeling when I come home to my messy little room that, ah, it would be nice to have someone there who is happy to see me, to let me recharge, to say, hey, let's make some food and watch a movie or read together or something. Your day matters to me.

Lately I've been thinking... that might be nice.

1 comment:

Sonja said...

I've never wanted a romanticized idea of a relationship -- I never understood when people said that someone or other was a "catch" - what the hell does that even mean?

Your last sentence there -- that last bit, is really the only thing I've ever wanted too.