this evening i think i made the start of something new. i'm really tired of being in this funk, i've been in it for years. i'm consumed with self-hatred to the point that i don't know who i am except that-- besides the moments of generous clarity-- i hate everything. i've gotten to this place where i don't even want to be SEEN by the world. i feel constantly burdened, emotional, rejected, incapable, and deeply, deeply depressed, which is basically what this whole stupid blog has been about from beginning to end (and i've had this blog for two years nearly). tonight i actually got on my knees and started praying for help. i need to get straightened out. i'm just so weary of being this person, so EXHAUSTED, SO EXHAUSTED by all of this self hatred. i don't understand the beginning of it and can't decipher where the knotty end of it might be. but i can't stand for it anymore. i don't have a gameplan, except to try. i'm going to try so hard.