Tuesday, August 2, 2011

let this whole town hear your knuckles crack.

At my coffee place of choice, I sit always in a little alcove beside the door. I guess it's where people congregated before marching down the aisle or where folks hung their coats and whatnot when this place used to be a church. Who knows. Anyway, they can't see me from their register/backroom when I sit here, so every hour or so they send someone to come and nonchalantly check the tiny garbage can by the door. If I happen to visibly notice them mentally check-marking me, sometimes they'll get fancy and do something weird like open the door and check the sky or adjust the doormat. I feel like we should be beyond this by now, since I'm here every day. They should just be able to yell at me from where ever they are. "Writer girl, you still there?" They'd ask. "Yep," I'd say. "Bring me more coffee." "On the house!" They'd say. Oh yes.

Well. Predictably, I'm no longer in love with myself (or, incidentally, charmed by anyone else at this juncture. suddenly the weird attraction that I had for the aforementioned whoever has dissipated, I realized that while said person has good character, ultimately, there was no reason for me to fancy him other than boredom and that flailing fear of failure that I get. Romance is not and has never been that big of a deal for me, but achieving a comfortable romance seems to be included in the whole "success" package, especially, I hate to admit it, so far as my personal image goes. I've said this before-- I get worried that my parents think that maybe they've produced this unlovable schlub of a girl-child. I imagine that since I'm the "other" child- IE the supposedly capable one with whom their only hope lies (because goodness knows nothing is ever going to come of Child #2, the special needs one)- that other people tend to politely ask my parents about me. And all of my cousins are married. And my parents probably have nothing really to say. And now my friends are getting married. And there's still really nothing to say. It's almost like I fear the inevitable pity, but really it's probably just imaginary pity. It's not that I mind being alone. Sometimes it sucks but it would probably suck more to be stuck with someone I didn't understand and vice versa. And I don't think I'm very good at that. So, what this comes down to is being bothered by imaginary pity.

But still. What if it's not imaginary?

ANYWAY. On the more optimistic track, my good friend of 6 {nearly seven!} years is tying the knot in four months or so. He proposed to his girlfriend (also my friend) of two years {or so} a week or so ago. We all knew it was coming, perhaps even down to the week, but the news was still so enchanting. This is it, this is the very first of my peers to go {and he's YOUNGER THAN ME. wtfshutup}. An old friend of mine in Tejas was married a few years ago, some months after her preemie baby was born, and that was an amazing wedding, I was so pleased for her and continue to be. However, though we grew up together and love each other we are not close, so I was still a bit cut off from the concept. I also have a friend who went to live with her boyfriend and tied the knot quickly and subtly in another state, but I had no insight into the relationship whatsoever. But now. Now, this is madness. This is someone I would count among my closest of close friends heading to the block! I'm so excited but I also can't even wrap my mind around it. They are going to be married, and have a life together. What. How. I don't even... what? How do you DO that? How incredibly incapable of human insight I am sometimes.

Anyway, this is all manner of excitement. I am going to go to this wedding in November and party the heck out of it. I'm going to behave as though I am the best man (though I'm obviously not, damnedable tradition and those that adhere to it). I am going to dance at this wedding and cry and be one of those people who stays for hours after the newly wedded couple drive away. Also I am looking forward to having a reason to be in California again. I miss the Ocean. It's one of the very few things that I actively miss right now, just the feeling of being close to the open sea. You laugh, but there is definitely something less claustraphobic, more comforting about being close to the water. Inland you know there's no escape. Not that my #1 escape plan would be to jump in the water, but I think that's a normal human comfort. An escape route. My escape routes here are somewhat limited. Which brings me to a short mean-spirited list about things that I dislike about North Dakota:

1. Their word for "soda." It's pop. But not just pop. The way they say it, it comes out sounding like "pap." Which is gross.

2. Too many trucks. They like to threaten me and bully little Ringo. Not appreciated.

3. The staring. NORTH DAKOTANS STARE. It doesn't matter where you are. If you are toodling around town, they will stare at you. They will stare at you as you drive past. They will stare at you as THEY drive past. They will stare at you in Wal-Mart. God forbid you be wearing something noticably colorful or unusual, because then you will get the full on STARE DOWN. (Also, the oil guys will eye-rape you but that's another matter.)

My theory for the reason behind this is as follows: Dickinson (and South Heart, obviously), is so relatively small and with so few hot spots that it is always highly likely that you will spot someone that you know. That's why it's best to avoid places of ill repute here, or to not lie to anyone about where you might be going. You can't really avoid folks. I don't know hardly anyone but I've started to see the few people I DO know every-bloody-where. Which actually I kind of like. POINT BEING, the staring occurs because the NDers are trying to discern whether or not they know you. But still. The staring must end! What's worse is that the staring is occasionally accompanied by judgmental expressions. Not to say that NDers aren't friendly-- I think they may be some of the most genuinely friendly people I've ever encountered, however I can't count how many times I've locked eyes with a starer and smiled to avoid awkwardness, ONLY TO BE MET WITH A BLANK FACE. Way to up the awkwardness, NDers.

Also, I have these bright orange short boots (hiking boots, more or less. very nineties and admittedly eye-catching, however...). People here CANNOT get the hell over these boots. Although the other morning when Dave Foley and I were walking through a coffee-shop parking lot a woman yelled at me from her car that she liked my shoes.

So that's a point for the friendly ones with good taste, I guess.

4. I've been really good at not being a movie/book/music snob, but... but.... but...............
On the upside, sometimes this makes me feel like the hippest person alive.
On the downside, if a hipster falls dead on a North Dakota farm, did he ever really exist?

5. Finally, the ultimate pet peeve: There is a man-made lake here. It's impressive somehow because it's one of the biggest man-made lakes. I am not enthralled by man-made nature. What's worse, everyone goes to this famed man's creation. What's heinous is they call it THE BEACH. Let's go to the beach, the locals say!! IT'S NOT THE BEACH, LOCALS!!!!!!!!!!!


In other news, my little car has continued to be plagued by all manner of illness. He is once again parked in front of my place of work. I hope I do not get in trouble for that. In otherother news, Amanda (my room-mate and probably sole friend here) and I are preparing to go apartment hunting. She has been given a huge promotion to assistant manager at her caretaking facility (which is huge), so she'll need to be alot more available at work. And mostly, I'm scared of driving in the snow, which I feel is imminent. Anyway, this may be really hard to pull off because getting an apartment around here amidst the oil boom is VERY difficult and somewhat expensive, relatively speaking. I don't want to contribute to expenses and wind up making exactly what I did in California. On the other hand. An apartment with the best room-mate I've ever had? Dreams of colorful decor? Making our own choices completely? Cooperative cleaning? Actually having people over if we ever make any friends here? YES PLEASE.

I have fallen behind in my book-reading challenge for the year, but I'm back on the wagon with some crazy reading this week. I've started to dig into The Talented Mr. Ripley, which I am 100% INTRIGUED by. Highsmith was a VERY talented writer and I can't say what exactly it is about her style that pulls me in, but she's got me now.

I also finished The Alchemist in 2 days. Although the fable-style annoyed me (I can't help it. I don't like fables!), I came around, and I thought it had incredibly clear and comforting things to say. Quotes later, when I'm not too lazy to find it in my bag.

I've also started Sybil, the first documented "official" case of a woman with multiple personalities (I think she had 16). But I'm only a few pages in. Regrettably, it's one of those books that dramatizes a true event so it suffers from being... too... dramatic, perhaps?

Also, anyone who isn't already, please get on Goodreads. Fuh real.

I haven't been doing too much writing lately. I've been tired. Two days this week I spent sleeping, utterly, 12 hours of valuable reading/writing/daydreaming time GONE. I wonder if that wasn't depression creeping in a little bit. Be gone, dark cloud, we want none of your kind here. The Coppola script contest that I completely failed at entering last year is open at present and I want to enter my Western script this time. Which means, Western script, you are going to have to be perfect.

I've been listening either to VERY BAD MUSIC or very ethereal stuff. Like this:

I feel like I have alot to say today. But it may just be the coffee talking.

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