Tuesday, September 14, 2010

i was afraid i'd eat your brains.

It has only just come to my attention that alot of people I know are married, getting married, or bloody well on their way to getting married. I think most people I know probably know the person they are due to marry. Hm. This is both very nice and very disconcerting, as I love weddings and happiness and knowing people are going to be together and taken care of, but I also worry about them and their decisions as well as feel the panic of that tick-ticking reminding me that there is no Jim Halpert waiting around to marry me- which, as I've said, I've never thought about or- god forbid- fantasized about-- but the comfort and security of that now seems very far away, and the realization of that makes me sad.

It makes sense that I'm alone/will be alone, at least for awhile, but I wonder often now if that's what I want. It certainly won't kill me not to be married because obviously I don't know what I'm missing and I've never felt destined for it. I never played "wedding" and if i did i was usually roped into playing the compliant husband ken doll because i could do the manly voice much better than my non-imaginative friends BUT ANYWAY. These are things to ponder. Apparently, I try not to, because I don't know how it makes me feel, exactly, but when I think about my friends getting married it makes me really happy and then terrified, usually for reasons that don't involve my own life at all, but still. tick tock, as the gay guy says in Pieces of April in the creepiest way possible.

Tonight I'm thinking about my friend Julia's wedding- she was married last February and is now living as a wife and mother and it freaks me the heck out. She's doing a good job but she's still very HERSELF, which is refreshing and alarming at the same time-- she cares for her family but she still has the habits and wants of the teenager that I think she'll always be. Then there's my friend Emily, who I'm fairly certain will be next, and who will probably certainly make me her maid of honor. I can't wait, I have so many plans. On the other hand, I worry about Emily, and as she is my dear friend, even though I love her boyfriend, I sometimes think she could do better. Her parents have also gone through alot of rough patches lately, and I see how that affects her sensitivity and her needs. She does need alot, and I when I see that need I fear for marriages. Her marriage will probably have to be constructed around her rather than the two of them. Not that I'm criticizing-- never, I love them together and I want them to be happy-- I just worry. I have another friend who's girlfriend is made for him, and seeing them together is the most shocking thing because even a stranger could pick them out of a crowd and say "they're going to get hitched." It's nauseating and pleasant at the same time. Yet another friend who I expected to see search for a long time until they managed to find someone suited to them has managed to maintain what appears to be a strong and weirdly loving relationship for sometime. Many of my very old friends from ancient times have been married off already. The idea! The idea of these people that I feel I know so well going off and building their own bonds-- they may as well be founding their own countries or planets. I don't understand it and yet I think it's fantastic. Such a whole new galaxy of sorts to experience-- or create, I suppose. So much uncertainty that I can't fathom it--- but I suppose they're together. That part must be nice, sink or swim.

Anyway. I don't know what I was trying to say there except I guess attempt an explaination for the weird, happy yet grave jitter I get when I think about it. But then I like to think about details. When it'll happen. If I'll be able to help. The champagne toasts. Being a member of the wedding party. Being able to hug someone so dear to me as they truly go off into uncharted territory-- that's happened already, with mixed results, but that doesn't stop me from smiling with giddiness at the idea. I'll admit-- one of the weird, tick things that I do is make up wedding toasts like they have in the movies. I have the rough drafts for many of them in my head. There are many ways you can go with a wedding toast-- talk about the one member of the couple that you know well and what a good person that member is, talk about that person in relation (and now completion-- YAWN) to their new spouse, talk about marriage or love in general... or read a poem or somesuch thing. Naturally, I have accumlated an array to choice from, according to who marries whom and what sort of wedding it will be.

Of course, all of these plans will be quite dashed if no one ever lets me make a toast. how sad i shall be. still, better to be dashed about a missed wedding toast than your own nonexistent wedding, eh?

incidentally, i have long related to Julia Roberts's character in that movie. if only my own hair were so fabulous.


Laura Allyson said...

I like this. Well, perhaps not so much "like" it as agree with it, and know exactly what you mean. People getting married is weird. I don't think I'll ever get used to that.

Sonja said...

It seems like everybody I know is getting married or getting together or something "couple-y". For example, I was telling one of my classmates about my summer of doom (right after I found out she had a boyfriend!) and one of my other classmates waltzed by, asked me how my summer was (I just answered fine, didn't know her that well), she flourishes her hand in my face and, as she's dancing out the door, "I GOT MARRIED!" My classmate just burst out laughing and told me that I could have been a total bitch if I had wanted to...but I was feeling too lazy.

"talk about that person in relation (and now completion-- YAWN)" -- yawn indeed...I actually hate that idea of people completing other people. Meh.

Well, if I ever marry again (doubtful -- I honestly don't think I'm cut out for it at all, I was a wretched wife) I'll let you make a wedding toast.

Emily Gant McGuire said...

Speaking as someone who's engaged, I understand how you're feeling. I often reflect on how strange it all is. Parts of me are still afraid of marriage, even though I live with my fiance, there were many things, including him that I didn't account for in this period of my life. But this is part of what it is to be in your 20's ... watching your friends get married, or yourself. Before I was with James, I had a few friends that had already gotten married, and I couldn't believe. Marriage to me, was so outside my scope of reality. It was like we're just kids, why are we getting married? And while I've obviously accepted it, it's a transition to adulthood.
I never played wedding, and due to my father, I had an over-inflated, idealistic idea of what men were supposed to be like. Fairy tale esque, boy was I in for a shock. Marriage was something I thought that wasn't for me, and I definitely never wanted children. I guess people think that sounds strange since I am engaged, but really before James I was single for long amounts of time. I could never even picture myself married to anyone. But things happen.
You shouldn't be in a hurry to find that person, but I do know what it feels like to be alone and see everyone around you marrying off. When it's your time, it will come. But I also support a woman's choice to never marry or reproduce.