Friday, September 10, 2010

this is what comes of.... well, whatever.

You know you're an old cat lady before your time when you spend much of your evening watching cute cat videos.

like that.

the other night i just sat in my room, feeling super crappy and alternated between crying and reading (i finished The Heart Is A Lonely Hunter. which was wonderful but also... so depressing), and at one point i just thought, ah, all of this would be so much better if i had my cat with me. of course, she's dead, which still makes me really sad. i loved that cat so much, and she loved me. it's interesting how you can feel for animals sometimes more than people-- i think it's because pets are so basic, especially in their love, and humans are so complicated. we have generally complex feelings of love for human beings, which are sometimes hard to fathom, even in our own hearts, whereas with animals, like my little cat, we know we love them directly and sincerely and simply. thinking about her absence sometimes makes me feel sadder than what i feel when i think of true tragedies, or people who i know who have passed away. those are complicated, clouded feelings as compared to the sadness following my expectation i have some mornings to hear my cat's funny breathing, to observe her sniffing around me in hopes that i will get up. it would be nice to have her sit in my lap while i read to myself. i still sometimes find myself settling for sleep as i used to, my legs strictly on one side of the bed so she could curl up at the foot of it and sleep undisturbed by my twitching feet. i used to get such amusement out of just watching her pussy-foot around my messy room. in the really "dark months" when i was deeply depressed to the point of what i know feel was mental illness, i stayed in bed all day and Tiggy rarely left me alone. the really sad thing is that my old cat could never know what i did for her and how much i loved her.

oh well. i have reinvigorated my desire for a Scottish Fold kitty. Ever since I read The Cat Who Went To Paris books I've been obsessed with the idea of their intelligence. They're so weird-looking but also so dang CUTE. when i am able to get a pet, that is what i intend on. and goodness, the videos of the SF kittens nearly kill me with cuteness. schmack their furry little heads.


Sonja said...

I hope you're able to get your kitty soon. Your post made me miss my other cats...I feel so greedy since I still have Munchkin.

(what happened to your facebook? Also, I've been listening to your's awesome...I'm also still reading your script...after this round of essays I should have more time to devote to some serious critique)

Katrina said...

aw, the bummer thing is my living situation is kind of unstable so it would be cruel to get a kitty at this point because i might have to give her away when i move on. :( aren't cats wonderful though? goodness i love them.

facebook: i was getting really obsessive about being on it, which i think was because of my anxiety about everything right now, so i really needed a break. the only way for me to take a break, though, is to deactivate it for a bit. i'll definitely be back later this week, i just needed to be away for a few days. don't worry too much about the script. i realized yesterday that it needs alot more work and i kind of hate it.

yay for playlist, though :} anyway songs in particular? i just looked at it and it looks like alot of them are dead, bah.