You know you're an old cat lady before your time when you spend much of your evening watching cute cat videos.
the other night i just sat in my room, feeling super crappy and alternated between crying and reading (i finished The Heart Is A Lonely Hunter. which was wonderful but also... so depressing), and at one point i just thought, ah, all of this would be so much better if i had my cat with me. of course, she's dead, which still makes me really sad. i loved that cat so much, and she loved me. it's interesting how you can feel for animals sometimes more than people-- i think it's because pets are so basic, especially in their love, and humans are so complicated. we have generally complex feelings of love for human beings, which are sometimes hard to fathom, even in our own hearts, whereas with animals, like my little cat, we know we love them directly and sincerely and simply. thinking about her absence sometimes makes me feel sadder than what i feel when i think of true tragedies, or people who i know who have passed away. those are complicated, clouded feelings as compared to the sadness following my expectation i have some mornings to hear my cat's funny breathing, to observe her sniffing around me in hopes that i will get up. it would be nice to have her sit in my lap while i read to myself. i still sometimes find myself settling for sleep as i used to, my legs strictly on one side of the bed so she could curl up at the foot of it and sleep undisturbed by my twitching feet. i used to get such amusement out of just watching her pussy-foot around my messy room. in the really "dark months" when i was deeply depressed to the point of what i know feel was mental illness, i stayed in bed all day and Tiggy rarely left me alone. the really sad thing is that my old cat could never know what i did for her and how much i loved her.
oh well. i have reinvigorated my desire for a Scottish Fold kitty. Ever since I read The Cat Who Went To Paris books I've been obsessed with the idea of their intelligence. They're so weird-looking but also so dang CUTE. when i am able to get a pet, that is what i intend on. and goodness, the videos of the SF kittens nearly kill me with cuteness. schmack their furry little heads.