Days like today, fog-filled days, are thick and delicious. When you can see the air it's as though the atmosphere is tangible and edible and a reminder that we are all a part of something. We all live here and the mist is like some weird strand of yarn tied to all of our ankles. It's cozy, and I love it. However, there is that special something else about it and the darkness that it brings with it. It's mysterious. While it feels like an enclosure that we all belong within, it is also like a shield or a screen. I guess that's obvious. Anyway, the mystery that comes from that is both quietly thrilling and sad. On days like today when the evening starts to come on (early), a part of me feels butterflies from the inside. I don't know if that's because it takes me back somehow to matching the autumn weather with feeling that odd, jittery first love experience, or if it's just the promise of something exciting in general. Something great is going to happen, the possibilities are endless, we can go anywhere so long as we have a warm jacket, we can light candles, we can look darkness in the face and instead of feeling the laziness of a calm summer night we have the bristle of cold shocks of wind. It's more immediate, like that feeling when someone is going to KISS YOU RIGHT NOW. It's that Halloween-time feeling, without the horror part.
The other part of me feels that odd thrill and shrinks from it. It makes me feel anxiety, especially when I'm by myself. Right now I'm in a coffee shop that's a few hours from closing and my friend has left me. I feel oddly abandoned and, though I'm loving the cold I have this overriding, bizarre worry. I want someone who smells good to sit with me. I'm suddenly really afraid of the world-- not of anything specifically, not of being hurt, not of facing the cold, probably not of being alone, but just... afraid. I feel cut short, as if something deeply satisfying should be happening right now but it's not, and all of my fall-fog-jitters were for naught. I will go home, clean my room, and watch TV, meanwhile an epic, dark and haunting classical piece of music will play in my head. I wish I knew what it all meant.